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    An_251330 posted:
    Hi there,

    I wonder if someone could save my 1.5 year relationship with a wonderful man. We are deeply in love with each other and he loves my son so much as well. But it seems especially of late that whenever we talk we get wrapped up in an argument. It always ends with me putting the phone down or walking away. I react so badly to the way and tone of what he says because I feel attacked.
    I spontaneously suggested we go on a last min day trip and he said he was up for it but then threw it all back in my face when it turned out we couldn't book the accommodation that I thought we could. This is just a snippet. My friends are also concerned about how dominating he is and verbally aggressive. Although he swears he would never ever hit me and he hasn't. I do believe him on this. But his arguing style is too severe for me.

    Any help warmly appreciated. Our relationship depends on it.
    Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
    In order to really help, I think it would help to have a bit more information:

    I'm wondering what you mean by saying "how dominating and verbally aggressive" he is. Does he call you names? Threaten to harm you? Threaten to leave? Other things? Also, do you feel afraid when he gets angry?

    How old is your son? Is he present when your partner is verbally aggressive? How does your son respond?

    Has long has your partner been aggressive? If there's been an evolution, what has that looked like?

    Finally, does he tend to be controlling? In what ways?

    I ask all of these questions for many reasons. For instance, they can help distinguish between basically a communication problem and a deeper issue - and also consider the effects of your relationship on your son.
    dfromspencer responded:

    I'm thinking the same as the doctor, not enough information.

    However, if this guy is this way now, how will he be later? Do you really want to subject yourself to this way of life? And what about your son?

    If you ask me, your friends concern should tell you something!!!

    You need to think about yourself, and your son first, always remember that.

    Good luck!!!
    An_250579 responded:
    first think what makes the argument, avoid that. If he works,too many things on his mind, always choose good time to talk, dont talk like a child. Especially not in front of your son, choose the time when he is in school or send him email. try to do things he likes, like ironing his shirt, tidy up his office, cooperate with him, dont demand things, think what u did for family, what is your part first, never remind him his weakness,that allows arguement. always praise his work,support him after all he is a human too, hope this helps. good luck for your bright future.
    dfromspencer replied to An_250579's response:
    Wow, what kind of advice is that??? What you are telling her, is that she needs to be subservient to this man. I say NO WAY!!! A marriage is supposed to be a fifty/fifty proposition, not 70/30.

    Don't talk like a child? Where in her post did she mention anything like that? No where!

    I am starting to think you have a reading comprehension problem?
    rohvannyn responded:
    Agreed that more information is needed for us to help better. I don't think that someone who just happens to be loud or forceful about their arguing would necessarily become physically violent, so I know what you are saying. A good place to start with discussing your problems is to pick a time when you are both calm and try to talk about it. If you have an issue, clearly state your feelings on the matter and ask him if you can discuss this calmly because you are interested in finding a solution. It could be that there is an underlying communication pattern or other issue that is causing the arguments.

    'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
    An_250579 replied to dfromspencer's response:
    did u notice, she said he is a wonderful man, love each other, it happened late only, so she have to decide. it happened lately means, something bothering his mind or work or some stress, men are not built for to satisfy all your needs. they are human also. mostly men work get money for the family is the big thing, so women can accomodate, adjust with them, live a happy life. she needs to talk to him when he is quite. you can through away a glass vase quickly, then even if you want it again you cannot put it together.
    So she have to decide.
    good luck.
    dfromspencer replied to An_250579's response:
    Ok, I am mystified by your response. What does she have to decide??? She wants help with his argueing style, that's all. So, he works. So does she. Why would she have to be the one accommodating? A relationship is supposed to be a partnership, not a dictatorship! Fifty/fifty in all aspects of the relationship!!!

    Your reading comprehension amazes me.

    An_250579 replied to dfromspencer's response:
    yes, I did not read some of the sentences, while I was sleepy. And also I dropped my glassvase of jelly beans that time, but after I picked up, hopefully it did not break. I agree with fifty/ fifty in all relationship. i think he may need some threaphy. i am sorry for i didnot understand her feelings. so I decided ,i am not going to blog again.
    good luck.
    Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to An_250579's response:
    An_250579: I have the sense that you are really trying to be a helpful part of this community. Maybe instead of giving up - of not responding again, you can start a new thread, sharing a bit about yourself. Also, it might help if you read some of the other responses and take time to think more about your responses- making sure you understand the conversation- before sending them. Then, hopefully, you can feel more in sync with the conversations here and more a part of things.
    dfromspencer replied to An_250579's response:
    The doctor is exactly right!!! You just need to take the time to read, and understand what it is the looking for. That's all.

    Don't stop blogging because I gave you a little criticism.

    Channey replied to dfromspencer's response:
    Hi All,

    Just wanted to say thanks for all of your advice.
    We went along to relate counselling and yes we have a communication problem. My boyf doesn't appear to be listening to me very well. After I talk, my boyf can't remember what I've said because he is too busy planning his next verbal statement.
    Also, he feels insecure in the relationship and pressure from family to start a family of his own. I have my issues of getting close with someone since not having had any closeness with anybody growing up.
    We are working out our issues and I'm pleased to say, we are still together yay, making progress and still very much in love.
    Thanks for all your help and a great site.
    Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to Channey's response:
    I'm so glad that you are working on your relationship together and that this effort is paying off! Good luck.
    dfromspencer replied to Channey's response:
    Now that's the best news I've heard in quite a while, YEA is right!!! I'm so glad he decided to go to counseling with you, this gives you both an opportunity to get advice from a third party. Not just from us hacks, LOL!!!

    A relationship worth having, is one worth working on!

    Good luck!!!

    YounginHeart replied to dfromspencer's response:
    If this was in reverse would in be perceived as subservience or a nice gesture ? Subservience implies an expectation; there is nothing wrong with your mate doing something nice that is appreciated. Not a doctor but noting the hot button issues as well as what pleases a person likes can't hurt. Talk to each other, not "at" each other. The old adage if it have nothing good to say....holds true.

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