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My husband says I'm too fat for sex
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An_251338 posted:
My husband says I'm to fat to have sex with. When we meet I was about 30 pounds lighter but, the day after we got married (my second his fourth) he stopped sleeping with me and sex nothing. He sleeps on the coach says he sleeps there better. We've been married 3 yrs and when he gets drunk is when he says he wants sex with some one thin but wants to be married to me. He says he loves me but he can't stand to touch me (my fat) and he says sex is impossable because I;m too fat. Funny 30 pounds ago he had no problem except he wasnt me to do the things his ex girlfriend did. He says she spraid for him. Well after hhearing this so much I dont feel anything. she was cheating on him and I am not that kind. I married him, if I wanted sex with any one why get married. He is on line with women they talk sex and yes when tthese women text thier saying when there coming here and have I left so he is telling them lies about me. I love him but don't know what to do. I eat when I'm stressed and that is every day now. I never know when I get back from work if I will find him with someone here. When his phone rings is it another women. He says he loves me but I need to lose weight or he's going to bring one home. You know who sleeps with me and doesn't care about my weight? My dogs. And all I want is my husband beside me. Now I said he gets drunk this is a everyday thing. I go to work (I work 6-7 days a week part time jobs) get back and hes drunk or an the way but never do I say I can't have sex with a drunk or you have a big gut. its simple I love him for him.

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What do I do to get him to see me as the women that stands by his side an d loves him as he is, why can't he love me as I am. Suport and stand by me when I am trying too lose weight?
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jimblack responded:
Are you sure you married the right man? From what you're saying, you're husband has a really big alcohol issue, you're weight isn't the "problem", he is.

Although you might want to lose a few pounds just to stay healthy, not because he says so, don't fuss much about it.

I wish you well!
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
As jimblack says, the problem is not in you. And, from what you've said, the problems in your relationship started before you gained weight - and in all likelihood before you were even marriage (even if you weren't conscious of it). Unfortunately, you cannot 'make' anyone treat you in any particular way if they are not motivated to do it. And, if he has a drinking problem, that's certainly not something you can make him stop doing.

While I can't possibly understand the details and history of your situation, but serious disrespect and contempt shown between partners in a relationship do not bode well. Many people in similar situations try therapy - either to try to fix their marriage or to get clear about their need to move on. Couple therapy can help the two of you together (though a therapist will likely require that he get treatment for his drinking first if that person assesses that he has a problem with it). Individual therapy can help you work through how to handle the situation.
 
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dfromspencer responded:
Hi

Hey, I've been there, done that. Only it was me who did the name calling, and the alcohol abuse, and the no sex part. So, speaking from experience, YOU can not, and never will change this guy!!! If he wants to drink, YOU can't stop him! However, YOU can move out, and leave his abuse behind! THAT is what you should do. Sure, you love him, he does not love you! No man that "Truly loves" a woman, would ever treat her the way he treats you!!! I know, I did that!!!

The very best thing you could do right now, is to leave him. Tell him why you are leaving him. He will have to know, if you ever expect him to treat you with respect. Don't just threaten to leave, be prepared to back that up. You have to give him a wake up call.

I'm guessing from what you say, he is not working? He gets drunk every day, and takes his frustrations out on you. I know, I did it too.

The only way he will wake up, is if you show him that you don't need him. Tell him that you are concidering a new boy toy, and if he could move out, so he could move in? You have to play your part very convincingly, or it may not work. That is why I said, be prepared to move out. You have to show him you mean business!!!

I hope this helps!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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An_250579 responded:
did u try to lose weight, mistakes from your part. And always men dont think about sex once they reach their 40/s, they think they want to achieve something before they retire for future. do u have any proof he is talking to bad women, may be he is talking with his coworker or good friend , dont always underestimate things, he works all the time, keep you and your kids safe for u, he must love you a lot. Maybe Is he working on nights or oncall, so maybe he is tired. so always trust your husband who gave you nice home, kids and of course love, he never demanded u to work.dont insult him and spoil your relationship, always trust him and respect him. good luck for your future. hope this helps.
 
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Mamihlapinatapai replied to An_250579's response:
I can't even begin to describe what spectacularly bad advice this is.
The most elementary and valuable statement in science--the beginning of wisdom--is 'I do not know.'
 
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Kloudnine replied to An_250579's response:
First of all, her weight doesn't matter. And who in their right mind thinks that gaining thirty pounds is a huge deal, or makes anyone unattractive! So don't go telling this woman that this is her mistake..bad advice on your part! Second, who are you to say that men don't think about sex once they reach their 40's?? First I have heard about that...they are men for crying out loud! Third, I am sure that she has proof that he is talking to other women. Yeah, sounds like he really loves her a lot just by the emotional and verbal abuse.. Wow Anon _250579, where do you get this stuff from?!! Where did you get that he works and provided her a good home, provides her love, and all the other crap that you are pulling out of nowhere?!! Trust and respect him, and worry about spoling the relationship, Anon_250579, I think this jerk already spoiled things a long time ago for her!! You give the worst advice, and like others have said, you obviously don't comprehend what people are saying...

As far as the original OP goes, you need to get out of this unhealthy relationship. He is never going to change..plain and simple. You deserve better and you know it.
 
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rohvannyn replied to An_250579's response:
I suspect that An_250579 is from another culture, it also seems English is not their first language. Agreed that this advice is not appropriate for this situation.

To the original poster, your husband is using your weight gain as an excuse. He is not tr If you do lose weight, you must lose it for your own health and no other reason. You must love yourself also. Don't let someone who is supposed to love you treat you in this way. Say "no" to it.

It's plain that you love him, but that doesn't mean you have to be a doormat. You can ask for respectful treatment and advocate yourself without being cruel or hurtful. He needs help, though you may not be the best one to give it, and it also sounds like he won't be able to be present as your husband and a good match for you until he stops living in the past. Good luck to you. Remember - you are worth good and kind treatment.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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An_250579 replied to rohvannyn's response:
are u a fortune teller, so grab the points not the person, as doctor said they need to go to couple threaphy first, not divorce.
 
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rohvannyn replied to An_250579's response:
You must be the fortune teller here, because I never said divorce.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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rohvannyn replied to rohvannyn's response:
Yep, just read what I wrote. Noticed a few typos, but nowhere did I say anything about divorce. It's important to know that you can ask for good and kind treatment, while still being a good spouse and supporting your partner. Divorce isn't needed if your partner who is treating you badly is willing to be an adult and work on their problems and try to be a better partner. Marriage is about communication and mutual respect. The only time when divorce is needed in this situation is when one partner is not willing to change and keeps harming their spouse.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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kaykillen replied to An_250579's response:
fortune teller is not necessary to guess that english isnt you first language. if you have comprehended well the original post you could have shown a little sympathy.

~they said you should love yourself first before anyone else and I'm scared to death because I hate myself more than anything in the world
 
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An_250579 replied to rohvannyn's response:
yes sir, i have a reading comprehension problem, but i am not from other culture neither my first language is other language. I born here, i was little sleepy, iam so sorry for her, if he continues he can to go to threaphy or marriage counselor. i agree my comment is not good judgement, so i am not going to blog again.
good luck.
 
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An_250579 replied to kaykillen's response:
sorry for my post without any sympathy, so i didnot read some of the sentences, i was sleepy. so i am not going to blog again
 
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An_250579 replied to Mamihlapinatapai's response:
sorry for my bad advice


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