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Becoming Obsessive?
An_251353 posted:
This is my first time posting in something like this, and I'm unsure if it may become a problem later down the road. To some things up, I'm not sure if my boyfriend is becoming obsessive or he's just moving too fast for me.

We met on eHarmony about 2 years ago, but at the time, he contacted me when I just found boyfriend. I told him this, and he kindly stepped back. We got along great, have plenty of similarities, and he friended me on Facebook. However, we didn't really talk to each other until September of last year.

He wanted us to date, but I wasn't comfortable with Internet dating alone, at least not until we met face-to-face. He surprisingly agreed to this, but neither of us had enough money on the side for plane tickets. So we just continued talking. Well, around October, we decided we would "see" each other exclusively. We managed to split the plane ticket costs around December, and he's fly in May. I was excited to finally meet him, but after that, he seemed to have changed.

I'm not sure if it's because those "lovey-dovey" first 3 months are over, and I'm starting to see the light of things now. However, he seemed to have changed. I don't have many friends, and the closest one I have is a guy (who's in England). I try not to bring him up in conversations because I know guys tend to hate it when their girls talk about another man. However, my boyfriend wanted him to help him with a project, which I thought was great of him to try and involve himself with my circle. Now, he doesn't want to talk about him, and when I say my friend has files for the project, he doesn't want to talk to him because, as he said, he "doesn't trust him". He did bring up the topic of marriage and kids rather early in the game (2-3 months after dating), which I thought was nice because I thought he meant he could possibly see a future with us. But lately, it's been nonstop talking about it. I told him when we started dating that I wanted to wait on marriage until we were both done with college and had steady jobs. He agreed to this. Now, it seems like he's rushing everything. He asked to get me an engagement ring (not even 6 months), and I told him I wasn't comfortable with that because it was too soon. I think he senses that I'm becoming a little scared of him, but he's been splurging money on things for me lately, and he does not have the money for it. This morning he came out and said that he lied about paying off his loans and that he used the money to buy the last thing for me. I told him to get his money back. To me, it feels like he's trying to buy me off. He's only had one serious relationship in his life, and they were going to get married, but she ran off. I'm wondering if he's starting to become obsessive or if he's just moving way too fast for me.

I'm sorry if this is appearing to be an advice scenerio, but I'm worried this might turn ugly, and if it has the possibility, I want to know what to do in order to progress it from becoming that.
dfromspencer responded:
It does seem he is moving a little bit fast? I have to wonder, if in his last relationship, did he do the same thing? I have to believe that, he does not know how to have a long term relationship? It could be that he is scared? He may be thinking he may never get married? His last girlfriend ran off, he may be trying (a little too hard) to keep you hanging around?

The best way I can think of to get this guy to slow down, is to talk to him. Tell him of your concerns, and ask him what he thinks he should do? Be gentle, try not to come on too strong. Tell him you want him to understand your position, you want to wait till after college to get married, and if he really loves you, and wants to be with you, he will understand.

Also, tell him he does not need to buy your love. If he is scaring you, make him understand that, and how it makes you feel towards him when he does that.

I hope this might help at least a little!!!

kronos34561 replied to dfromspencer's response:
Thank you for the reply!

I was worried that I might have been overthinking it, but I wanted to be sure. The only experience I've had with guys is them not wanting to settle down or they wanted to wait until they were comfortable. I've never had one where it seemed it was moving too fast.

I know he said with his last relationship, he was constantly wondering what she was doing and going as far as checking her profiles on different communities and driving by places she would normally hang out. I know some people when they just split up, they tend to do similar things for a little while, but I'm guessing since he was in relationship where there could have been a serious commitment (i.e. marriage), I tried not to think about it too much.

I'll be sure to talk to him about it though. Thanks again!

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