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Can I Rebuild Trust With My BF? Am I Insecure?
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An_251403 posted:
My bf moved to NYC from FL to be with me. We had been in a long distance relationship since 2010. He's been up North for a yr. He came here with only $40 in his pocket & no job. I was stressed bc I was living with my mother at the time & had to put him up in hotels, rooms until he finally moved in with my sister's ex husband. When he first moved here, he would make comments about how many single women that are in the area, break his neck to look at other women & would show pic of other women to my ex BIL. Because I loved him, I couldn't understand how he could do this to me when he moved from FL to come marry me & build our family. This broke my trust in him & I broke up with him for awhile to clear my head & went on a few dates. I was honest & upfront with him bc I didn't want to lead him on & felt confused about our relationship. Our hiatus lasted for 2 months. He has never got over me dating other men & he doesn't think he was at fault for making me insecure in our relationship. Even though we discussed what happened & agreed to work on us, he turned vengeful, abuvie & mean. He would call me names, tell me I was ugly & my body didn't please him, send me pics of himself & other women, sexy pics of other women he's met & told me he had sex with them & even gave his # to a bus driver who had a crush on him. Every evening after work, I would catch her bus & she would smile in my face until I asked her about him. She said they were just friends & he said nothing is going on with them & he just gave her his # bc he was angry at me for dating other men. I still held on even though my heart was broken bc I was pregnant. I miscarried in Feb & he has told me he is happy the baby died. I cut all communication with him after a weekend of him sending abusive texts & calls. He is begging for me to come back & wants to work things out but IDK if I could ever trust him again. He has told me that he had sex with other women when he was angry at me but now says that he lied about it. That isn't something you can easily take back. I'm unsure bc I feel he has to a lot to prove to me & I can't let him move in with me without knowing he won't hurt me anymore. I'm starting to think there is something wrong with me because I have let this man make me feel low & unloved. I feel that other women are better than me & I don't want to open up my heart to anyone anymore. He wants us to get therapy but it's all talk bc he hasn't done the footwork & it's been a month. Talk is cheap. Love is action. I'm confused bc I still love him. This may sound immature but I wish I could go back to 2010 before I met him bc I was very happy & content with my life without knowing him.

**He found a job in Aug of 2011. He's a truck driver & cldnt pass the medical because he had blood in his urine but he's been working ever since.
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rohvannyn responded:
Please, stay away from him. You can love an abusive person but that doesn't mean they are right for you. Ignore his pretty words when he tries to get you back. Love yourself, take care of yourself, grieve if you need to, but above all, stay strong and stay away. Remember this: you are a worthwhile human being, worthy of being loved by a good man. I can understand wanting to go back to before you met him, I would probably feel the same way. Good for you, recognizing that this guy is toxic.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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Kloudnine responded:
Roh is right..you need to walk away once and for all and not look back. Read your own post, and do it over and over again until it sinks in what he has done to you..get angry, be upset, do whatever it takes to help you walk away and realize that you are worthy of being happy again and deserving of a better life! He is never going to change! He will say and do anything to control you, and as long as you let him, you are pretty much saying this is acceptable and okay. So far he has proven to you that he can't change time and time again, and not only that, he proved that he doesn't love you. Love is not abuse. Do yourself a favor and move on..you need it and you know it. This can't be love you have for him, you are just accustomed to him and familiar and that is what scares you out of leaving. Like you wished for yourself to go back and be happy and content before you met him, you can do that after him too!! Good luck and best wishes to you! Please keep us posted!
 
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fcl responded:
Why on earth would you want to rebuild trust with an oaf like this? He came to NYC and sponged off you. He has insulted you, disrespected you and cheated on you.

I cannot imagine what kind of a low life would tell the mother of his child that he was glad she miscarried. He is selfish, ignorant, overly jealous and controlling.

If I were to make a list of all the things that should be avoided in a man, your ex would fit the bill perfectly. Do NOT move back in with him. Do NOT contact him again. He is not going to get any better. You have seen what he truly is. You don't love him, you're just used to having him about.

Chalk this up to experience and spend the next year getting your self esteem and confidence back. This man is POISON!
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
Please read your post again. Then read the responses. Finally, please consider this question: What would you tell a good friend who shared this story with you?

Once you know the right choice for you (not just based on what you feel, but also on what you think), then it's just a matter of finding a way to make that happen. And, with the support of this community and others in your life, you can do that!
 
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dfromspencer responded:
NO, NO, NO!!! Do not let this idgit back into your life!!! YOU cannot change him, unless he really wanted to change. He doesn't! What you have in him, is an abusive little boy! He has a lot of growing up to do! Stay away from this guy, he is toxic!!!

YOU are a human being, not a door mat. You deserve to have love, and respect!!! If someone truly loved you, he would never put you down, or be abusive!!! No, he would put you on a pedestal, and love you for who you are, not something he made up in his mind!

What you need to do is, go back to doing those things that made you happy! Whatever it was, a hobby, a sport, what ever!!! Surround yourself with your friends, especially the supportive one's. Go out and have fun! You deserve to be happy, and you never will with this guy!

Stay away, forget about him. Do whatever you have to, to be rid of him!

Go find yourself, and the happiness you once had!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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QiWiNYC replied to dfromspencer's response:
Hi Everyone. I'm sorry it took me so long to respond but I forgot my password & couldn't log in.
Thanks for your advice. I'm very depressed & suicidal right now. I'm still with him because I love him but he's very abusive to me. The name calling has stopped but he's abusive in other ways...he wants all of my attention & time, he got angry when I had to take a call from my mom about my 7 yr old...I don't know what to do. I know I'm in control of myself but I'm so depressed, I don't have any strength.
This weekend I had to go to my niece's 21st bday party but he couldn't come with me because my family doesn't like him because he's done too much. He stayed in his truck. Of course I feel bad & I wish he was nicer to my fam so they wouldn't feel this way. He made himself an outcast because of his nasty attitude. Yesterday was Mother's day & he made no plans to take me out or gave me a card. He called me & I jokingly said, Thanks for wishing me a HMD. He angrily said, I don't have to wish you a HMD...you aren't my mother & we don't have any kids. I was so hurt. It felt like he punched me in the stomach. I cried & I couldn't sleep.

I know staying in this relationship will cost me my self esteem & life but how can I find the strength to get back on my feet & not call him again?
 
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QiWiNYC replied to QiWiNYC's response:
I go through period when I'm strong & weak. I honestly just feel like dying but I have a 7 yr old son & I wouldn't want him to be hurt from my suicide.
 
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QiWiNYC replied to Kloudnine's response:
My self esteem is low because he has made me think that no other man would want me. I know it's wrong for me to stay but I'm at my lowest & feel as though I need him. I have nothing positive to hold on to right now. How do I go back to the place where I was before I met him?
 
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dfromspencer replied to QiWiNYC's response:
How do you go back to the place you was, befor him??? YOU LEAVE HIM,THATS HOW!!! YOU do NOT "NEED" this man! You have made yourself believe that, only! You must have self talk! Talk yourself into being the strongest person you know!!! I did it, just two weeks ago, I told myself I could quit smoking, and guess what? I DID!!! And you can to!!! Start talking, say it to yourself over, and over, "I AM THE STRONGEST PERSON I KNOW"!!! SAY IT!!! Over and over, till that is what you believe!!!

You do indeed have something POSSITIVE to hold on to!!! YOUR SON!!! You have to be strong for the both of you!!! How can you allow this around your son? Do you think he don't know, or understand? WRONG!!! He understands more than you give him credit for! You have to get out of this situation, and the sooner, the better!!!

You may be depressed now, but you have to get strong! Self talk can do amazing things, if only you can believe!!! Believe it will, and it will!!! Start now, and do it quickly, for your son, and yourself!!! You don't deserve to be treated like a piece of trash, hell no, get away from this boy! He's no man, he is an idiot child, masquerading as a man!!! PLEASE, get yourself, and your son out of there!!! Go to a womans shelter, I know there are many of them around where you live!!! GO! GET OUT!!! NOW!!! You will thank yourself, and your son will thank you, also!!! Hey, even your family will thank you!!! If you leave this bum, "I" will thank you!!!

Please get away from this thing, now, PLEASE!!!

Dennis

P.S. You deserve to be treated with love and respect! His answer to your HMD question, proves he cannot be a real man!!! Don't wait another second, get out of there, now!!!
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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QiWiNYC replied to dfromspencer's response:
Thank you. You're right. After he accused me of seeing other men last nite & this morning, I blocked his #. He can't call or text me. I feel stronger & I hope it lasts until he leaves me alone & he's forgotten. He doesn't deserve my friendship or to be my bf. He's a toxic person & a BAITER as Dr Phil calls people like him who prey on other people to get what they want. I will not be his doormat anymore. I know that I feel strong right now but I hope I will remain strong & rebuild my life for my son because he needs me for his growth. I can not raise my ex to be a better man. He's on his own with that.

I'll keep in touch. We are moving back to NYC by next month & I'm focusing on our move.

Q
 
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dfromspencer replied to QiWiNYC's response:
Fantastic!!! You did, and are doing the right thing!!! And, this move will be a good thing, a fresh start, so to speak! You feel strong now, and if you keep telling yourself you are a strong person, it will make you a stronger person, I guarantee it!!!

There will be times, lonely times when you will want to call, or text him, DON"T!!! Instead, call a friend, or take your son out somewhere. Do anything but contact him!!! YOU are a strong woman, and you will succeed!!!

Please remember this, YOU can always come here for help, and reassurance!!! If for any reason you feel weak, come here and let someone help you feel strong, again. I know I will always be around to help you!!!

I wish you all the strength you need!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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rohvannyn replied to QiWiNYC's response:
Good for you. You are laving him. Be strong for your son and for yourself. But please, I beg you, don't wait till he leaves you alone... don't leave anything up to him. Take control. If you need the help of the police, they are there. If you need us to talk to, we are here. Keep it up, this is a great start, and best of luck in your move. If you need to get a restraining order against him, don't feel ashamed, just do what you have to, and know there are people who care.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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keepingitreal2 replied to QiWiNYC's response:
Hi QiWiNYC,

When I first read your concerns regarding your uncaring BF, immediately, I connected to you because I foolishly married a DISRESPECTFUL man for two and a half years. Anyhow, after reading great advice from others, followed with you stating how you went back to him and experiencing worse pain, makes me wonder, if this post is real. It is sad to read how you are in pain, suicidal, yet you finish your comments with...I love him, he treats me bad, he's terrible, I am sad etc.

Unless this man is keeping you as a hostage, you have to stop playing the VICTIM card. I know because I did it for years. The story gets old, while the problem get worse. Who do you expect to save you from your misery? Nobody, you have to save yourself. Expressing how awful he is, yet ending it with I love him and will stay with him is not a good look. The focus is taken off of him and placed on you.

I get the part of being familiar with his energy and space in your life, resulting in you feeling like having a need to be with him. In truth, you really don't love him. I think at times, when we are in a toxic relationship, we like to play the VICTIM for attention because we are not getting it from our mate.

Trust me, when you grow up mentally and demand respect by moving on, not only will you feel better, you will do better and expect better treatment either from him or the next person you date.

People can change, but THEY have to want to. Most males like your BF don't respect VICTIM, they respect and love women who will not tolerate their disrespectful behavior and have love for themselves. Speaking from experience.

If you continue to play the victim card, I guarantee, it will get worse. And in few months, you will send another post telling us how you love him, he keeps hurting you, but still lives with him, and people will turn a deaf ear. Not because we don't care, but it gets old.

Love yourself and stop telling and tricking yourself that you love him because you really don't. Stay Strong- Love

From Keeping it Real
 
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De_Real_Thing replied to keepingitreal2's response:
An_251403,

In reading the issues on your relationship, I feel your pain as I was partially there at one point in time. I just came out of another relationship that was a strain on me emotionally and had the potential to be a strain on me financially. So here's what I call some good advice that I found on you tube. It's reasons when to know that you need to get rid of your boyfriend. Yours definitely falls into that category.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Rprdk3_U0U


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