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Forgiving... myself?
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rohvannyn posted:
I decided to post this here because in a way, it's still a relationship. I have this dynamic where I am really hard on myself. When I make a mistake, it almost traumatizes me because it looms so large in my mind. When I'm in a bad mood, I dwell on my mistakes, major or minor, and really resent it when other people bring up those mistakes because I'm already being so tough on myself that I'm predisposed to be hypersensitive. I also think that others bring up my mistakes or shortcomings when they aren't neccessarily doing that, or aren't meaning to.

This is, of course, also affecting my relationships with people too. The other day my spouse said "stop making it about you" when I personalized something. That hurt a lot but I realized there was some truth to the words, so I decided to look at it. I know this is something that a therapist or some such would be better at handling, but we have been talking a lot about forgiveness in here so I wanted other perspectives on the matter.

So, any tips on forgiving myself? Not carrying the bitterness forward, but learning from the mistake and being open to change?
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
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An_250579 responded:
people make mistakes, thats the way they learn to correct themselves, we are old form of a child. be easy , enjoy workout with music, eat healthy, sleep good. nothing else life, we are being here to live happily without stress with family and friends. Be like a child, there/s a meaning in it, without worries, jumping high say hooray, thats it. if bored, take a weekend course to improve your skills, make a group in linked in, link with people like you.
Good luck for your bright future.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
Roh, You are absolutely right; your relationship with yourself is a relationship- really the most central one in your life! Forgiveness must start with acceptance; and in this case, self-acceptance. Add some compassion, and you are ready for forgiveness. I'm not sure if you saw my last blog, but forgiveness was the theme: A Role Model for Forgiveness . You might also find help in a blog I wrote called, Stand Up To Self-Bullying . In it, I address how to gain greater self-awareness related to self-criticism and how to approach yourself with self-compassion.
 
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rohvannyn replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
Thanks for the advoce, Dr. Becker-Phelps. I appreciate it. Thanks especially for pointing me to the Stand Up to Self-Bullying post, I hadn't read it yet and I think it may help. I've had folks tell me that I act like an abuse victim, or the spouse of an alcoholic, yet I am neither. So I wonder if I am actually the bully here, to myself! Onward in the quest for wholeness.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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dfromspencer replied to rohvannyn's response:
Hi Roh,

Yes, absolutely read those post/blogs from Dr. Becker-Phelps!!! They helped me forgive myself, and other's. She has this amazing gift of finding just the right thing to say, or where to find it for yourself.

You are self abusing. The more you review a mistake, the more you think you are at fault. Go easy on yourself!!! You yourself told me so many things that helped me, take your own advice. Don't beat yourself up, and don't beat the dead horse!

You brought up a therapist, have you thought of utilizing one? It may be of some benefit to you?

Always remember this, everyone makes mistakes, admit them to yourself, and then let it go!!!

I hope this helps in some small fashion? Good luck!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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rohvannyn replied to dfromspencer's response:
Thanks, Dennis! This is a case of me feeling pretty good and realizing I have issues, so I'm doing the work to correct some of them now so when I feel worse about myself I'll have proper ammunition against self-defeating habits.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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dfromspencer replied to rohvannyn's response:
Hi Roh,

You know, that sounds like something we could all do? Store some ammo for the next time, awesome!!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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An_249666 responded:
yeah I feel that all the time. making it hard for yourself which is already is. I would torture myself into thinking when I unable to do the things I want to be done.
 
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rikk54 responded:
Retired, worked with top notch people, read this somewhere, passed it on to a colleague who feared making a mistake ... "Mistakes don't necessarily imply incompetence. Competent people make them all the time, whether due to lack of attention, working too fast, or being too tired. But one thing competent people don't do is make mistakes because they don't know what they're doing."
 
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rohvannyn replied to rikk54's response:
Interesting insight, thanks for sharing that. I think the difference between a foolish person and a wise person is whether that person learns from their mistakes or not... of late, changing my behavior on the basis of past mistakes has seemed very difficult.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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dfromspencer replied to rohvannyn's response:
Hi Roh, I liked the quote from RIKK54, pretty cool!!!

I think most of us do, in fact, learn from our mistakes. Those that don't, are destined to repeat those same mistakes in the future. That is not YOU!!! You do learn from mistakes, even I can see that!!! I gleened that from most of your responses to others here, and myself.

You don't need to beat yourself up. Relax, let those mistakes waft through your mind, learn the lesson there, then let it waft on out into the ether!!!

Roh, you are one of the smartest people I know, let it go. Please stop torturing yourself, please, its not healthy. Who said you need to change your behavior based on the past? You told me that, the past is just that, your past! Take your own advice. If no one likes you for who you are today, it is their loss!!!

I wish you Peace!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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rohvannyn replied to dfromspencer's response:
Thanks, Dennis. I appreciate it. To give a little more specifics, I have a couple issues that I can't seem to fix- like interrupting people when I don't mean to, or getting really defensive, or misinterpreting someone's tone to be way more critical than it probably is.

The forgiveness issue comes when I recognize the mistake, understand why it happens, resolve to do better, and then it comes up again and I do exactly the same thing as before, despite knowing better. Then I feel bad about that because I know I just kriffed up and did it again. That's part of the bitterness I need to not carry into the future. If it were some mistake I made in the past that I'm not making anymore, it would still be hard to foregive but a little more doable.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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dfromspencer replied to rohvannyn's response:
Hiya Roh,

It sounds like you are being much more critical than you need to be? Everyone makes mistakes. How do you react to someone who is being defensive? Do you also get defensive? Most of us do, so its not just you. Don't other people sometimes interrupt you? Sure they do, its just normal, even tho you are not supposed to. And who hasn't misinterpreted something someone has said??? Or done???

You see Roh, you are just normal, you are just like the rest of us!!! Oh sure, we all strive to be better, and some even manage to do just that. Most of us will go through our lives being just like we are. And there is nothing wrong with that, right?

Peace!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to rohvannyn's response:
Roh,

I can understand your frustration and impatience, but change takes effort and time... and that's true for all of us. What's most important is that you continue in your efforts. The more aware you are, the better. The more you can think of realistically better ways to handle things, the better prepared you will be to respond differently. If you find yourself stuck at certain points, you might want to share those specific things here in the community- to talk them through, get support, and maybe get some pieces of advice. Take care.