know this is going to get heated, but its the cold hard truth- cheating is fun as heck! WHY so? I would rather be a one man type of gal but my husband of 10 years isnt doing crap. he doesnt ever want to have sex, he doesn't cuddle or give me affection, ive told him about it- and still nothing. i have a married bf, and he calls constantly, is so affectionate, great in bed, text or calls me a lot.Ive never had such a caring guy. i think he lies about his wife, i dont think shes as bad as he says, but i dont care. im going to mess with him until i have to stop. just being honest. husband has no idea of this, would devastate him, but i think we should all take care of our home life or expect things like this to happen- they will, men and women have needs, if my dh would have taken car, listened to me, and done just a few things to show he loved me, i wouldnt have ever cheated with this guy.. but now, i'm in tooooo deep to let go, and i care about him- its fun too
I'd like to gently remind you that cheating is NOT fun for everyone. It wouldn't be fun for me, for example, and it's never fun for the person who is being cheated on. It's a selfish act, but that's beside the point. The question, though, is why is it fun? The thrill of the forbidden, probably. Getting away with something, the lure of the unknown. I can see how that would be fun in certain circumstances.
I'd prefer an open relationship with honest communication about both partner's needs. If other partners are wanted, arrangements can be worked out, in the open, if your bond is strong enough to survive that. Sneaking around is dishonest and cowardly.
To add to what Roh said about it being forbidden: When you're with the other person you don't have to deal with any of your daily life problems. You don't have to worry about money, or the kids, or reality. It's so wonderful to you because it's fantasy.
It seems so easy for you to pass the blame to your husband. Truth is this was your CHOICE and yours alone. It's really sad to think of all the people that you two will be hurting when this all blows up in your face. But it's just so fun right? Sad.
Fidelity is a two-way street. You say cheating is a selfish act, despite attempts to correct the original problem? Well, not doing anything--essentially, acting inert--is just as selfish. So, in a certain sense, silence is consent, as the saying goes.
The most elementary and valuable statement in science--the beginning of wisdom--is 'I do not know.'
Fun aside, I find this to be an extremely limited viewpoint. Religious dogma about what is "forbidden" notwithstanding, these two individuals entered into a social contract. Implicit in that contract is to meet each other's needs, within reason. He's apparently not doing that. And he, consciously or not, made a choice not to act. What's sad to me is the absence of action on the husband's part. This is just one of a myriad of ways that the marriage contract is abused. But this is the world we live in, where inaction is "okay." In reality, the fault--and failure--is 50/50.
On the other hand, I think a better route would have been to calmly discuss opening the marriage. Lay the cards on the table.
The most elementary and valuable statement in science--the beginning of wisdom--is 'I do not know.'
You are a CHEATER plain and simple! You have broken your marriage vows. (If you ever said them?) You have destroyed any chance of ever fixing your problem. You must tell your spouse befor cheating!!! Give them the opportunity to at least try and understand what you want, first!!! Just because you say you talked to him, means NOTHING!!! Hearing what your saying means EVERYTHING!!! Appearently, he did not, so, first chance you got, you jump in bed with someone who is not your husband, CHEATER!!! You have to make sure he hears what your saying, first! You are a selfish person, I don't care what anyone says!!! You did the biggest NO-NO I can even think of!!!
Fun, only in your wildest imagination!!! There is no fun in hurting another!!! And in this case, you are hurting TWO other's!!! Fun, sure it is, in your own selfish mind!
As far as I am concerned, YOU are less than human, you are sub human in your thinking!!! You never even gave your husband a chance, totally selfish behavior!!! I can't stumache people like you!!! My first, and only wife, (so far) cheated on me, without so much as a peep, and I considered her as less than human, also. I have forgiven her now, I had to, in order to let go of this anger, and resentment I held for her for over twenty five years. How long do you think your husband will hate you???
How long do you think your husband will hate, and resent you???
So she's "told him about it". Has she been clear? What did he say? Did she just mention it once? Did she try to work things through with him? You don't just run out and steal another woman's man because you can't be bothered working on your own marriage. Her husband is NOT responsible for her cheating.
Divorce is not always the answer? OK, but ask your spouse if they mind you going elsewhere for sex first. If they say no then be a decent human being and let them live their lives without you - divorce first, screw around after.
This person is risking two families because she hasn't tried to work through her dissatisfaction. There may be many causes for her husband's lack of interest - she didn't mention his reaction to her telling him she was unsatisfied so I assume she just told him and did not DISCUSS with him, didn't want to listen to him.
It's oh so easy to blame others for your own shortcomings...
people do not wake up one morning and say, "i'm going to have an affair today." The breakdown in marriages happens over a long period of time,, i discussed with dh for almost 2 years about my needs, i have cried myself to sleep because of rejection, lack of affection, and his coldness. I have worked hard to salvage and be happy. i tried to seek conseling, he wont go, I agree with all of the posts, I am a cheater, i am selfish, i am guilty, and I also want to tell you I am these things: I have been a good wife until now, I am frustrated, I am lonely, I am tired, I have headaches from stress, I cook all of the time, I work full time,, etc.. there is more to identifying someone by only the negatives, we are so quick to point fingers at someone for doing something that "we" feel is wrong.,, in truth, we are all failures, we ALL sin and are guilty of something daily. We may gamble, addicted to drugs, be envious, been in prison for murder, selling drugs, etc.. its easy to say that "they" are so wrong for committing adultry, yyet you do not judge yourself so harshly when you have sold drugs, or stolen something.. I agree, we do not face many of the problems that a marraige and family entales, maybe that is part of the fun. Truth is, I NEVER ever, ever would have cheated if i had felt loved and needed and not trampled on or used by my husband: bottom line, yes, he is guilty too..
are you not aware that even if that you only lusted on someone else you are already cheating on you partner?
she is having sex with her secret affair. and why stay on marriage if things dont work like what married people should do? it may be her husbands fault as well but she is old enough to know what is wrong or right. and whatever your reason is it is still wrong to be involved with someone else if you are already commited
Your husband is responsible and at fault for the breakdown of your marriage, this DOES NOT make him at fault at all for your CHOICE to step outside your marriage.
As far as your self righteous sad story, how does that make it alright for you to interfere with another family? Don't get me wrong, I sympathize with what you've went through. I just don't believe your ends justify your means.
You and this man are now responsible for tearing apart two families. I would love to believe that there are no children in all this, but doubt it seriously. I'm guessing that's one of the reasons that your both staying married and stepping out.
If your husband has checked out to such an extreme why are you still together? Why have you not told him how serious this is? Why do you think he would be devastated if he is so cold and checked out on you?
Dude, your pissed off at your wife. Your wife has checked out sexually. How would you feel if you found out it was because she was having an affair? Say, because you wouldn't communicate or have compassion for what she's went through.
I'm not saying that's happening at all. But maybe you should take a step back and look at it differently. Almost sounds like you'd like to be able to do the same thing.
Turning AWAY from your marriage is never the answer to saving your marriage.
agree with everyone, and NO, i am not blaming anyone for my decisions, BUT what he has not done to show me love, has affected me, and it did make me lonely, and when sppouses arent taking care of eachothers needs, it happens.. Dh has never been very affectionate, i used to ask him about it before we married, i blame myself for settling, and for trying all these years to get him to be, its just never happened.. It was my decision to cheat, and while its great and like a drug, he gives me what i need, what ive wanted my whole life, i dont intend to stop, and hope husband doesnt ever find out. thats just my risk and my decision. i will not apologize, i cant say i am sorry, what i am sorry for is the big breakdown in my own marriage long before this affair ever started. I would have loved to have made a differemnce in the marraige, and looking back on what"I" could have done to help it, i am 100% confident that i did all i could, i was there for the years begging and crying to dh, not any of you,, i can only tell you of it in a few short words and minutes.. the wholew picture is very very sad- i would actually give this man up, IF it would be like it was, and dh would meet me 1/2 way,, he wont, and my feelings have changed toward him now.. sad indeed.
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