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Problems after death
An_242149 posted:
One of my little brothers died a few months ago and since then my husband has said that 75% of the time he thinks we'd be better off not together in the long run. Since my brother died I know that I have not treated my husband very well at all, so I asked him he has been feeling this way more since then and he said "Yes, but before my brother died he would feel this way whenever I would make him mad." I feel that all couples go through times when the spouse has done something to really irritated them that may make them think "I'd be better off without him/her." I have felt this way about my husband when he has done something that I found really irritating, but it's maybe once a year that I feel this way, and it's only for a few minutes. Is this true for anyone else?
tmlmtlrl responded:
I am very sorry for your loss.

It sounds like going through all this has only brought this issue to the surface and isn't the cause of the issue.

Being mad at your spouse and feeling as though your better off without them are on two different ends of the spectrum for me. Those are harsh and strong words that I would tend to believe have more meaning behind them than being upset. Especially since he feels the need to bring it up at a time when you need him to be there for you and be kind and loving. Where's the compassion and empathy?

Is it possible for you two to go to counseling? I would think that's your best option right now. You need to get to the root of this and see what your next steps should be.
Anon_596 responded:
I'm very sorry for your loss. Were you very close with your brother? What do you think was the reason behind how you were treating your husband?

I'd like to ask how long the two of you have been married, how old the two of you are, are there any children and have either of you been married previously?

Yes. I'd say my husband and I both have felt this way at some point or another. And on more than 1, 2, 3 occassions. The reasoning behind these feelings or thoughts may vary from time to time or for each of us(man vs woman). Sometimes it's linked to irritability or being angry with one another, other times it may be lack of certain freedoms like with money, friendships, personal time, responsibilities or accountability to one another. This includes our selfish sides, not taking eachother into consideration, lack of empathy.

I think the biggest contributing factor to having these feelings or thoughts is our emotional maturity and ability to regulate that.

Life is not a bed of rose petals, and even if it were there would surely be some thorns mixed in. That being said, I hope the bigger picture is being looked at and no rash decisions being made.
An_242149 replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
He didn't bring it up, I did. I think counseling sounds like a good plan. Thanks.
An_242149 replied to Anon_596's response:
I was very close with my brother. I knew that he was struggling with depression and had that he had talked about killing himself many times. I tried to help him, I really did, but it was enough because now he is dead. I think I was being mean to my husband because I am jealous that he has all of his family and I don't anymore. I am just so angry with myself and I try so hard not to let it show to anyone else. I told my husband that I was sorry for treating him poorly and in the end we came to the conclusion that we both need to treat each other with respect. That if we are wanting a happy long marriage we need to think of each other and not try to irritate the other when we are mad for something they did. We've been married going on 7 years and going on 13 years together. He is in his early 30's and I will me 29 soon. I know that marriage easy and that there are many hard times that we will go through together, that's the price we pay for living long lives. We aren't making any decisions right now. There is a lot of stress, not just because of my brother but because of work right now. I pray that God will help the two of us during this time and thank you for your words.
Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to An_242149's response:
I'm glad to hear that you and your husband are talking this through, and I hope you follow up on couple therapy. It might really help. It also sounds like you need to talk more about your grief, maybe with your husband or someone else you trust (or maybe in therapy).
dfromspencer replied to An_242149's response:
I am so sorry for your loss!!! Just this past winter, I lost the best'est friend I ever had. (I know there is no such word as "Best'est", but I couldn't think of anything else that would work.) He was more like a brother to me, than my own brothers! That's how close we were! So, I know what it is you are suffering thru. Loss of anyone, be it friend, or family can be devastating! That's normal. It will take time to get past this, but eventually, you will. I can now smile at the things my best buddy would do. Where as befor, all I could do (it seemed), was cry at just the mention of him. It gets better, it really does.

I hope your husband and you, eventually succeed in a long and happy marriage!!! I believe that, with counseling you can have just that, a long and happy marriage!!!

Trust each other, give each other space, and most important, talk to each other! Communication is a major key to a long and happy marriage! Enjoy each other!!!

I wish you a long and happy life!!!

An_242149 replied to dfromspencer's response:
Thank you, I am sorry to hear that about your friend. And thank you so much for the positive words about my husband and I. That means a lot. Take care
dfromspencer replied to An_242149's response:
No problem!!! And thank you, also!!!
An_242149 replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
I think I am going to go to some therapy. Thank you for your opinion
Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to An_242149's response:
You are welcome. I wish you well.

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