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    rootbeerfloat/no longer patient
    rootbeerfloat posted:
    I have felt unloved and under appreciated for almost 1 year. My husband is all consumed by his [newer> job. Yes, he does have a lot of responsibility at work, which takes all of his energy and time. We are both in our early 50 and our children are grown and out of the house. I thought when this happened we would have lots of time together. Not so. We have not had sex in almost 1 year. Is this supposed to be ok with me ? It is not. I understand are ages have something to do with lack of interest/difficult erections but....for me the whole work thing is becoming to much to bear. I have tried to talk to my husband about this issue. He says I work a lot, I am on call, get up at 4AM. I have gone back to school so I have something to do . But, not having much physical contact I am ready to move out and on.
    I have purchased a book on Tantra, left on the dresser - I did not get a reaction . I did the same thing with message oil, a message book and a message candle. All at different times and barely received a reaction if my husband noticed at all. We have been married 26 years and I am ready to pack it in. We have grown apart in other ways as well. My husband continues to smoke, eating a poor diet, not really managing his health - except to take his pills. I have talked to him about living better, moving to a place where we can be active seniors, he says it sounds good, but the effort to work towards that goal is not happening.

    Any advise I will read, but I am not dead and would like some physical contact. I work fulltime, went back to school and am looking into a yoga class near by. Just getting out and being social might help me and my mental health.I cannot move into a new career if I do not keep it together !
    rohvannyn responded:
    Sounds like it's time to be direct. Gently, but directly, let him know that you feel unloved. Resist the urge to hint or euphemize. Some men need to be smacked upside the head with the salmon of knowledge, unfortunately, and the more focused they are with something the more this is true. You might want to just ask him flat out "do you still love me?"

    Then let him know that him living an unhealthy lifestyle and not paying any attention to you is not only bad for him, it's bad for you. Do it calmly and in a caring way. If he doesn't respond positively, and make efforts to change, then it may be time to go. Also ask him if there is anything you can do to help him with this. You are in this together, for the moment. Let him know that it doesn't have to be sex at first, that massage or other forms of loving touch would be nice.

    I used to be on the other side of this, I had a very difficult time showing love. I would tend to do things for my spouse to show I cared and because of early training I neglected physical affection. It took quite a few "salmon whacks" for me to finally get the message. But I changed quite a bit and still try, because I really do care.

    'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
    Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
    In addition to what Roh has suggested, you might want to consider couple therapy before calling it quits. There may be some long-term patterns and dynamics at play here that could use the help of a professional to untangle.
    dfromspencer responded:
    Obviously, your hubby has put carreer first, love second? That's too bad! You need to do like Roh said, take him somewhere quite, and let him know everything. How this neglect makes you feel. Tell him you still love him, and that you are both in this, and you both need to come to some kind of agreement. Be firm, but gentle. Let him know how this hurts you, and is driving you to think of leaving. Ask him, "How do we fix this"? We men are fixer's from the get go, so, let him try to fix this. And hopefully, he will come around?

    If all else fails, do what Dr. Becker-Phelps suggested, see a counselor!!!

    Best of luck to you!!!

    rootbeerfloat replied to rohvannyn's response:
    Hello and Thank you ; Roh,Dr.Becker-Phelps and DfromSpencer : I read your responses on Wednesday night, I knew the next day my husband and I were dropping off my car for repair. Perfect time for some salmon-o-knowledge whacking.
    On the way home I began to tell him every thing all of you talked about and then some. Calmly and gently. But, made it clear I was nearing the end. He actually said "you must not love me or you would understand how demanding my job is" Really ? Are you telling me Donald Trump never has time for sex with his wife? I think not.
    I reminded him the oneyear-without-sex anniversary was coming up. He did not believe, but he also did not believe me when I took it upon myself to have my oil changed in my car because it HAD been a year and I could not wait any longer for him to make time.
    Then , again, he made the ignorant statement of "do you want me to quit my job?'
    I said today I'm checking with our health insurance and calling about marriage therapy, he was a little shocked he does not think there is a problem. I reassured him there very much is.
    I understand when he started this job, they were transiting into new owners, there were a lot of responsibilities on his part, getting up at 4am, home and asleep in his chair by 8pm - this leaves no time for us. Now , with a renovation coming I fear things will be worse - if that is really possible.
    I still believe being 51 years old has something to do with lack of energy and sex drive. So, I have also made a doctors appointment for a testosterone checkup, maybe some B-12. I really think he did not see a problem, even though I have voiced my concerns in the past. I again made it clear I am not his "roomie", I feel he has taken advantage because:
    We have been together so long I will put up with anything and will not leave.
    I care all the insurance for my family and cannot quit my job and leave.
    I have no where to go and no resources to go with. He is sadly mistaken.
    Believe me, masturbation is only getting me so far. I need physical contact. This is one thing I have not told my husband. That I have been "taking care" of myself all this time.
    So, I will see how things go, continue with my degree work and my "packaging" inside and out. If for no other reason then my own well being and future new career.
    Speaking of, DfromSpencer talked about :putting career first". My husband gets praise and awards from his work for performance, has gone out of town to help with a renovation and is looking to move up to a less physical job within his company, so he does the best he can and give all. I believe this is when all things started , with the new job and wanting to show himself and his abilities.
    But, now its time for the brakes to by applied.
    Stay tuned for further details.
    I'm calling about counseling now :}
    dfromspencer replied to rootbeerfloat's response:
    Good for you!!! At least you have started him thinking. Now, if he values you, and the life you two have built together, he will come around soon? Lets hope so!!!

    In the mean time, do the same he has done, put yourself into your school work. Ignore him, and lets see how that works? Sorta like "we can both play that game", you know? Just don't stop pleasuring yourself, even if he can't, or won't, at least you can still have some joy in life!!!

    Lets also hope, he doesn't have something medically wrong with himself? It's probably low T like you think, but it could be something else? Maybe he just needs a little blue pill, to make things go again??? LOL!!! I need one, myself, only its not blue, and its not Viagra, no, its vardenifil or lavitra if you will? And let me tell you, it works very well for me!!! I feel like i'm 18 again, in every way possible, yeeeee haaaaa!!! Sorry, I got carried away!

    I hope your insurance will cover counseling? If not, there may be a clinic around, that will take you on a sliding scale? From what you have written, I can tell you love your husband very much, and really do want to save your marriage. By checking your insurance sold me to that fact! I hope for your sake, he comes around, and very quickly!!!

    I wish you all the luck in the world!!!

    rootbeerfloat replied to dfromspencer's response:
    Hello DfromSpencer, LOL !

    Your post made me laugh - thanks. Yes, our insurance does cover therapy, I'm currently looking for one that will be convenient for us to drive to, decent hours {I'm sure this will run into my next school semester}, so there will not be any excuses from either one of us.
    And yes, I will continue to take care of me. I just ordered another book and kegel exercise balls;>...
    I really am looking into the low T options and will know what to talk to the doc about this week.
    He is thinking, and the suggestion about putting school, yoga etc. first and ignoring him a little I believe will be do able.

    Thanks for the luck wish !
    I'll keep posting updates.
    dfromspencer replied to rootbeerfloat's response:
    You are sooo welcome!!! Great, you have the insurance, now make sure he goes! If he is commited to you, and your marriage, he will be glad to attend.

    I have no idea where you live, but there must be someone close enough to be convienient to you? Unless you live in the country, or on an island? Just kidding, LOL!!! You should be able to find one in your neck of the woods. There's a marriage counselor out there, just for you two, i'm sure of it.

    Kiegels are cool, I've done them myself. Good for prolonging the sex without orgasming too soon. Premature ejackulation is never a pleasant experience!!! I hope the book is a naughty one? I've read some of those romance novels that are full of sex sceens, soooo cooool.

    I'm glad he is thinking, some men just don't. I know, I've been there, done that. Thankfully, I started trying to improve myself, and with the help of many here, I've made conciderable progress!!! Concider your hubby a work in progress, just don't give up!

    I do wish you tons of luck!!! Take care!

    rootbeerfloat replied to dfromspencer's response:
    Hello DfromSpencer,

    I did find a therapist nearby and am inquiring this week. The book is The Art of Sexual Ecstasy, another book to go with the Tantra I already have. The whole idea is to either bring us closer, because right now I feel COMPLETELY disconnected from my husband or set us on our seperate paths.
    Some major exploration on both our parts is in order.
    Someone told me if I go into therapy with the attitude of "this will help our relationship , but I don't know how this will solve the always working even when not at work", issue with my husband. Then I have already sabatoged the outcome.
    Maybe Dr. Becker-Phelps could also weigh in and give her thoughts.
    I am deffently looking for changes-in my lifestyle,and relationship w/my husband.
    will keep all posted.

    Have a great day !
    Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to rootbeerfloat's response:
    It sounds like you are off to a great start with changing things with your husband! Once you get into therapy, it will probably have its ups and downs, so prepare to hang on until you feel that it's really complete (whether that means you are doing well together or you firmly decide you will not go on with him).

    I don't understand how you would be sabotaging the therapy with your attitude. However, the way therapy can "solve" the always working issue is that it can help him re-prioritize - making the decision not to do this and instead to put more time into your relationship.

    If I'm missing something, please clarify and I'll do my best to answer your question.
    rootbeerfloat replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
    Hello Dr. Phelps,

    No, you did not miss anything- I believe you covered it all. But, I will say I am a little disappointed at the lack of conversation between me and my husband since the last week in-the-car conversation. Where I spilled my guts on the issues that need to be resolved.
    We are talking like usual, which is the problem... How is your day going, what's for dinner, big wigs coming tomorrow to speak to me and my boss-I need to press some clothes for this , blah,blah,blah.
    So, last night after we finished dinner at 7:15pm, he went and brought out the ironing board, his clothes and the ash tray - I got up and took my book into our room to read. Now, I have been smoke free for 18months , I actually thought this would help him quit. Cancer runs in both of our families so it makes more sense for us to quit, I did not have any issues with withdraw and have not "fallen off the wagon".
    He actually said, where are you going, I again told him I did not quit smoking so I can breath in your poison.
    He went right on ironing and smoking and let me know when he was finished. Your know, his father had skin cancer and died of brain cancer - this is just stupid !!
    I know approaching our/my issues in baby steps is happening right now but, I do not feel to be in a big rush. This week the doctor for some lowT advise, calling about therapy- next week going to the hot yoga place to continue with my journey to self improvement. Then ordering my school books.
    I am trying to be patient and let things develop , I already know our little lives are to short and having a good quality of life in this next phase of our lives is for me the ultimate goal, he really needs to get on board before the train leaves.
    I think I made the remake before about having one foot out the door, I believe this is because of the length of time of the neglect I feel. I am really hoping therapy will reconnect us together.

    Thank you for reading and all your advise. :}
    Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to rootbeerfloat's response:
    You are making steps to change your situation, which is great. I'm aware of what seems like a bit of a conflict for you. You say,
    "...I do not feel to be in a big rush" but you also say that "he really needs to get on board before the train leaves." Perhaps you are feeling enough strain that you do need this to move somewhat quickly; that perhaps you are running out of patience? If that's the case,I suggest that you just make sure that your efforts are strong enough to make change possible before you run out of patience. I wish you well.
    rootbeerfloat replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
    I hear what your are saying Doctor. I am conflicted as to work on my marriage or bail. I will be patient and take the steps to try and repair the damage. I understand also that therapy will not take of things overnight so I really have no choice but, to be patient and continue on with my steps to make changes.

    Take care, thanks for your advice.
    dfromspencer replied to rootbeerfloat's response:
    Absolutely correct!!! Think of your own self first. Your happiness is the issue here. And, it seems to me that, you are indeed taking the steps needed for your own improvement? That's great!!! As long as you do those little things for yourself, the ones that make you happy, will lesson the feeling of lonliness, I hope? Keep at it. Do the things YOU want to do while you wait for dear hubby to catch up. (I hope he does, for both of your sakes)

    As long as he is willing to go to this therapist, keep him at it. Who knows, you may get your lover back in more ways than one, eh?

    I wish you all the luck in the world!!!

    dfromspencer replied to dfromspencer's response:
    P.S. I forgot to tell you that, I myself quit smoking a little over a month ago, yeah me!!!!!!

    I also started a workout routine that really keeps me going, and I can already see much improvement.

    I hope you enjoy the "Hot Yoga" place!!!!


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