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venting about barely any social life
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DmndLife1984 posted:
I've already vented about how I was stood up by that girl and didn't like it, and much of the reason I didn't like it was because I've had almost no social life for a long time now. Many of my family and friends are far away, among a few different countries, and lately I can barely get ahold of any of them. I had a local death in the family, and while I still have a lot of family left around here, they're hardly available either. Some of them will be moving far away too. I had a good friend here of almost a decade, and his own circle of people, but over the last couple years I got bored with him, as well as very angry. When he tried to hurt me over something petty, I didn't let him, and I made very clear he wouldn't see me again, and that he wasn't welcome to contact me or anybody I care about (there's no going back on this, don't suggest I try and patch it up).

Otherwise, a few local ventures that might've helped me socially fell through not so long ago, and being stood up was the least of them, and any excitement I'd had has gone almost dead. Traveling is great, and I hope to as soon as possible, but it doesn't solve the local problem. Nothing else I'm looking into is promising so far. I have an answer for everything, so I'm not asking for suggestions, I'm only venting like I was before.
Sorry, forgot my pen.
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
Feeling as alone as you express that you are is incredibly difficult. I'm sure that there are many in this community who can relate - so on that level, you are not as alone as you feel.

If there is something we can do to be supportive, please let us know. For instance, many people find it helpful to share their feelings after experiencing the death of someone close to them - perhaps you would find it helpful to do that here.
 
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DmndLife1984 replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
I wish I knew what I could get out of a community about this. I posted this discussion because as you say, it's more relatable than what I usually post about.

Well, with this relative, I knew it was her time to go, and I really hadn't seen her for years. She'd become a burden in recent years, and I'd really lost interest. I didn't realize she'd lived a much more exciting life than either she or anyone else had ever told me about though. She seemed purely practical, like the type who sits at the same desk for 100 years, always on time, and then retires, and while she was very much like that, she'd apparently made a lot of time for adventure too.

Where I've had the adventure my entire life, I'm the opposite, where I show up late to my job every day, do the job my own way, and get defensive when someone tells me to do it differently, which is a very rare thing because they respect me as one of their best anyway. That's all anathema to her generation though, like buying a sports car the way I did would be considered "not thinking about the future" to them, but the retired life I'm supposed to save for doesn't seem like much of a life to me.
Sorry, forgot my pen.
 
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1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on responded:
DmndLife

I have read some of your posts in the past and to be honest man, if you had all the answers, you wouldn't be posting on here. I know your just venting and that's a great way to get things off of your chest. I know that our paths have never crossed and most likely never will. But you seem to pass judgement in a lot of the stories you describe. Not to sound harsh, but you need to take a look into the mirror and perhaps have a slice of humble pie. There is nothing wrong with being self confident, but there is a fine line between being conceited and confident. You claim that your great at your job and I don't doubt that you are, you seem extremely intelligent and well spoken. I myself, have issues making friends and being social, a few people I have become close with, have told me that at first they thought I a stuck up jerk. When they told me that I was floored, because I view myself as very kind and friendly, to hear that was certainly a shock. But as I dug deeper into the issue, I realized that I was acting like a stuck up jerk, to protect myself. Not saying that's what your doing, just trying to relate, because contrary to your belief, you are not the only person on the planet who has these issues.

I am sorry to hear about your loss, but glad that you found out some unknown things about how adventurous her life was, that she wasn't just a sit behind the desk kinda gal. But watching someone slowly pass, is tough to stomach. But saying that person is a burden? And you lost interest in her? That is extremely self absorbed, don't you think? Put yourself in her shoes, would you want people to feel you were a burden? I'm going to assume your response is something along the lines of, "I am already am a burden or their wont be anyone close to me, to care." I guess since she didn't serve as a benefit to you, who needs'em right?


And being stood up sucks, I am truly sorry that happened. No ONE and i mean NO ONE, deserves that. But maybe when you were chatting with this young lady, she caught a wiff of that arrogance and she decided she was better off. She probably assumed you'd never show or if you did, you'd never call again.

Again, sorry to sound harsh. You know what, I am not sorry. Since you have all the answers I am going to leave you with a quote from Socrates.

"The only true wisdom is in knowing that you know nothing."

Best of luck!
 
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DmndLife1984 replied to 1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on's response:
To clarify, when I said I have an answer for everything, I meant I've already considered what most people suggest. I didn't mean I have absolutely all the answers. Before I move on, despite what you suggested, there are plenty of people around me who care, even if not that close distance-wise, who would come to my aid if I were in the hospital, as it's indeed happened before. I don't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I feel angry.

Anyway, maybe you're right that she somehow found me arrogant, and that's why she didn't show, but I have to tell you that's the reason I hate to hear the most. How many people who are arrogant/conceited/stuck-up have so much more trouble getting girlfriends or friends in general? I really don't think there's much of a correlation.

Getting to my point, so many people have told me that maybe something on my inside is what repelled someone on the outside. I've heard this for years and it angers me every time. Yes, I do have this side that you describe, but I have other sides as well, and if women are so psychic, then how come so many of them are complaining about how horrible their boyfriends are, or being beaten to a pulp? How could that arrogant side of me repel so many women, and the negative qualities those other men have, whether it's laziness, or apathy, or violence, not repel them? Every time I hear how maybe it was something inside that might've repelled a woman, I always feel like I'm toxic to people, that I can't walk around in public without every single person seeing what I am, and knowing they wouldn't want much at all, if anything, to do with me. What the hell can I do about that?

Yes, I can be arrogant, as I know what I'm good at, and I've come to believe the best way to motivate certain people into doing something important is to get in their face and scare them. However, I'm not a hothead, I don't do that very much, very rarely. I'm also very playful, which my little nephew loves, and lately I've been sitting with some relatives from afar, laughing about over a decade of our practical jokes, some very elaborate. If you want to know how most people would describe me, it's as a very calm person. Since I don't socialize much, not one of them would think of me as arrogant, I'm very sure, they don't really know me.

As to the relative who died, the phone worked both ways the last years of her life, the way it still does. I was a medical burden once myself, and I knew what I was, and instead of killing myself to end the whole thing, I decided to see if I could live through it. Her case was different though, as her time had come, and I've got really good memories of her, but those times had passed, and I honestly was finding her boring, and with her not making much effort to keep in touch either, I focused on the rest of my life. I loved her, may she rest in peace, we had some wonderful memories, even when I didn't know that much about her.

I was a pallbearer at the funeral, only to find out the next day that the ex-friend I mentioned above had something vindictive in mind against me, which he didn't succeed in because he was in the wrong league (don't ask, it doesn't matter), should've stuck to pushing a pencil, which he's probably doing now.
Sorry, forgot my pen.


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