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An_252199 posted:
So here is a little background to start off with, Im 23 years old married to man for a year and a half, we have one child together and my son from a previous relationship. We have all and all been very happy through out our marriage and lately we have hit a rough spot on both parts. A couple of months ago to begin with my tattoo artist made a move on me and kissed me, i immediately told my husband and didnt handle the situation very well, my mind was very confused at this point because old feelings had arose out of that kiss. i had made a promise to let my artist finish his work that i had unfinished on myself but promised my husband after that i would find a different artist and cut all ties with him as well. I do see the tattoo artist out and about sometiems if i do go out with friends i will run into him and conversate casually but nothing like how it was. I can admit my husband was in a very mentally stressful spot when this happened and i wasnt exactly the most supportive people, but i have been working towards it and truly believe ive made some signifigant improvements. well lately, i have found porn on his phone which bothered me at first because it made me feel like i wasnt good enough, we talked and got through it, i dont want him looking at it but if he wants to im not going to stop him and i try my best not to fight about it because i know he loves me. my husband has always been a very phone savy guy, he knows all about them where me on the other hand, i know nothing. He has always deleted all of his text messages, and all that, kept his phone pretty clean. didnt really mess with the history until i checked and found the porn, then he started deleting it. well this morning a woman called his phone and i answered it, she did sound very weird and caught of guard that i answered the phone but said she had the wrong number, and i dont know why but i got a weird feeling and went into his browser history again (i know im horrible hate that i did it but...) and i saw that he had been browsing the personal adds of craigslist. i didnt get past the first page of browsing history until i just put the phone down and got upset. but the add titales i saw said "looking for a dominant male" and "wife needs a bigger..." now when i confronted him, i wasnt exactly level headed but i was not exactly losing my mind either. He said he checked because he was checking for an add of ME. because his ex A YEAR AGO posted me on craigslist pregnant because she was jealous, i had to change my number and shut down my phone because of so many texts and calls, i have recently became civil and gotten over the past with the ex and ive had no indication of any one texting or calling my phone because someone posted me on craigslist. so i dont understand why he would even say he was searching for that reason and not only that but the titles of the adds he clicked on, would be of me or for me or ANYTHING to do with me. as soon as i handed him his phone he immediately deleted his browsing history and kept insisting he didnt do anything wrong. i have no proof hes actually done anything but i feel lied to. ive been honest with my husband about basically everything in my relationship. hes a pretty closed up person, hes always had kind of a wall up so we dont communicate as well as id like but we make do and all together i saw we have done amazingly good until now, im just mentally shut off and dont know what to think. a part of me looks at my husband and says he would never do that or try and contact someone esp off craigslist, but then i mentally take a step back and look at it from a strangers point of view and just think oh yea, hes cheating on me. if he resented what happened with my tattoo artist, my husband is not the person to hide that from me, if he was doing this for revenge i feel like he would just come out and say it because he is blunt about those things. and when it comes to our sex life, as far as i know both of us are extremely happy.
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amandabrown responded:
we have great sex, i know that we would both like more but we both have full time jobs, he works more than full time, so we usually try on the weekends, plus taking care of a 6 month old baby right after work for me is tiring, we have a lot of stressors in our lives, we are just young and trying to figure out how to establish ourselves. but after today mentally im just at a loss, i dont know what to do or what to think. i dont want to be blinded by love and stick with someone who would go get someone off craigslist, and take such a big risk...i mean the std you could be getting, the sneaking around and lying....but then again i have no hard proof and i will never get any hard proof as long as he continues to delete everything. hes always going to be smarter than me in the phone department and i accept that, this will probably be the reason i will never know. i cant control his phone and what he deletes and doesnt, and asking him to stop wont help because in the back of my mind, ill just think he can still delete anything, its easy and id never know. generally i have SO much trust for him but after today i find myself doubting things.. the way the situation happened this morning doesnt sit right and in my heart i feel like something is wrong. hes always at work and his pay checks reflect that, so i dont think he would even have TO go out and cheat but like i said i keep doubting myself, its like im having an argument with two different people in my head right now, i never wanted to be put in this situation, i never wanted to put my husband through what i did and i feel guilty about putting myself in a situation TO be kissed by my tattoo artist, idk if it all ties in or what but all together, im lost. my emotions are going crazy
 
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amandabrown replied to amandabrown's response:
well i did post annonymously but now i guess its out lol HI GUYS!!
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to amandabrown's response:
One of the most important parts of romantic relationships is communication. Good communication can get people through all kinds of rough patches in their relationships. When partners don't naturally have a style of being able to be open, honest, and respectful of each other - even during disagreements - then it is essential that they work on this. So, this issue might be one that you work through by also working on your communication style. (You might find it helpful to read my blog, Transformative sharing and listening )

I also wonder whether you have a history of being jealous in relationships. If you do, then that is something you need to think about. Have you tended to choose men who cheat or been jealous even when boyfriends were not cheating? This is something to work through in your own mind even as you talk through issues with your husband.
 
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dfromspencer replied to amandabrown's response:
Hi Amanda,

It sounds like you are trying to be both yourself, and the devil's advocate? Try just being yourself, and talk to your hubby!!! Like Dr. Becker-Phelps said! Communication is the key to a happy relationship!!!

It does indeed sound like you think/believe he has already cheated on you? Why would you think that? From what you have said, he works hard, and his checks show it, soooo? Where does he get the time to do this cheating??? When he isn't working, where is he? Didn't you say he was home, and trying to have sex with you, on the weekends??? If that's true, where does he make this time?

I think you are waaaaayyyyyy over examining this thing? Relax, take a chill pill, and call us back after you have talked this thru with hubby, ok? You will feel more secure in the relationship, I am sure!!!

Remember, communication is the key to a happy relationship!!!

Good luck!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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amandabrown replied to dfromspencer's response:
hello, and thank you for your replies. I have had bouts with jealousy but usually nothing comes if there is no reason. I really dont think he is cheating on me now taking a few days to clear my head, but the way the events had gone that day it did kind of seem like it in my head. we did talk, we are doing better, im not sure where we stand with personal adds, he says he browses them for laughs and i can get that, so i guess ill take it day by day, try communicating a bit better, and try to be understanding and supportful. I just needed to vent about the situation, it upset me very badly.
 
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amandabrown replied to amandabrown's response:
supportful??? thats not a work lol, supportive
 
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amandabrown replied to amandabrown's response:
give up on spelling anything right lol
 
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dfromspencer replied to amandabrown's response:
Hi Amanda,

Not true, use spellcheck. LOL!!!

I'm glad you two are doing better! Talking things through, as a couple, is one sure fire way to get things, both of you, to come to some kind of agreement. Once you get it, things don't seem so bad, eh???

As for his "ADDS" for laughs, well, maybe he does get a kick out of them, but, they are there for a reason and mean something to someone else. So, to laugh at them, well, what does that say about him? I have to lean towards cruel, or heartless? People put themselves out there, taking the chance that someone may choose them, love them, or for who knows what reason? Laughing at them, just seems so wrong, at least to me it does! Then again, I have never looked at any, so I can only go by what I've heard of them.

I'm sorry!!! I didn't mean to get off track, here!!! If that is your baby in the Avatar, BEAUTIFUL, absolutely beautiful!!!

Take care!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!


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