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Ex is using me!!!
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An_252261 posted:
I posted this on the couples coping board also. Loooong story short (this is awesome Lexie, for those who remember). I need help dealing with my very strong emotional response to my ex, who I can't seem to get away from!

I divorced my ex last year. While I was deployed 2 years ago, he cleaned out the bank account and cheated very blatantly. I filed for divorce the first full day I was home.

Well, it wasn't till the week of the court date that I discovered my separation agreement had been lost somewhere between southwest Asia and my house. I was so sick of being married, and we were on amicable speaking terms, and he really valued the respectful way his parents handled their divorce, that I just went ahead and got the divorce without anything saying how we would distribute the property. Yes, I know.

I am reaping the wonderful rewards of this hasty decision monthly, to the tune of a mortgage payment that he put solely in my name while I was deployed. The title deer is in both our names.

I have moved for work so physically displacing this 'squatter' is not an option.. He lives in our house rent free because I happen to enjoy my credit score not being ruined and by default, my security clearance and career not being affected.

I havent seen any money from him although verbally he agrees it is all his responsibility. With careful planning, he is able to stretch his meager salary to cover the basic necessities of his life, such as his iPhone, satellite TV service, and online dating service membership.

I have a lawyer. My state offers a petition to partition option where the house would be a court ordered private sale, the money would go to pay off the bank. I am pursuing that. However, housing prices have fallen; at best the house is worth $10K less than I owe. He also has sold the trees on the land (no kidding) but not cleaned it up, so that will probably affect potential offers. My lawyer said this is evidence of co-tenant misuse of the land.

Best course of action my lawyer and I can think of is going to court and requesting they evict him, putting the house on the market and renting it out (rental market is very strong in that area) until the mortgage is paid down some, and the housing market starts to rise some, and selling when I can.

I dont want anything. I just want out of this link to him

Does anyone else have any other advice? Even ones like asking the internet to donate to the free lexie fund. Every time I have to deal with this, I have nightmares of being chased and tricked and trapped. They are getting very old. Actually I am feeling exhausted and desperate. I am asking sincerely for any ideas or recommendations. Thank you so much in advance.

Thank you!
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An_252261 responded:
I guess what I also really need is ways to distance myself from the emotional impact. And to grieve. It follows me around in my head and I feel trapped like I can't get away. It triggers the times I was sexually assaulted and stalked (not by my ex). I just couldn't get away and couldn't feel safe.

I am a Christian so keep trying to give it to God but I am noticing I don't know what that looks like in practical terms. Any ideas are very appreciated!! Thanks!
 
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dfromspencer replied to An_252261's response:
Hi Lexie,

If you want him out so bad, make it hard for him to stay there. Charge him rent. Or can't you do that? The court knows that you no longer stay there, so, why not make him pay rent??? I suggest you do anything you can, to make him pay for something, till he can no longer stretch his meager cash to the end of the month! Then, he will have to move to a cheaper place, and you will be free to get a good renter in there.

I wish you a ton of luck, squatters are hard to get rid of!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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An_252261 replied to dfromspencer's response:
Thanks! I can't charge him rent because his name is on the house as well as mine, so we both own it. The only thing is that I am (thanks to his sneakiness) the only one on the hook for payment.

I'm going to ask the court to evict him but also wanted to see if anyone had ideas for dealing wth this both on a practical level and an emotional one!!!

Thanks for your well wishes!
 
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fcl responded:
Please forgive my ignorance of this kind of thing but ... how in heck did he manage to put the mortgage into your name only without you signing anything? Is that legal?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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gator1980 replied to fcl's response:
He used the Power of Attorney that I gave him to finish the mortgage process, because I was going to be deployed when the final signatures were scheduled. He just signed only my name, and not his.
 
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dfromspencer replied to gator1980's response:
Gator1980?, An252261?, and Lexie, wow, you have a lot of names going, which one do we use to reply? I hope its the one you used to answer me? I did, however, click on this one, so I will use it.

Is there any legal thing your atty: can do to prove he was supposed to sign both of your names on the contract/Deed???

As for emotional, hate him like the dicken's for a short time. Then forgive yourself, then forgive him. You can forgive him, but you will never be able to forget how bad he treated/cheated you!!! By forgiving him, you will be able to move on, and get past this. Hopefully, your heart will heal quickly, and you find real love, again? I have to hope so, you seem to be a very smart young lady? Good luck!!!

Take care!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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gator1980 replied to dfromspencer's response:
Haha yeah I lost my old password when I signed up as awesome lexie years ago, and tried to post anonymously so that I wouldn't cause this mixup...but forgot lol.

Anyway, thank you! I appreciate the support.

I am not mad at him, interestingly. I just want him to go away!!!! I feel trapped because I am still paying every month and don't know how much longer I will be in this position. I am supporting two households!! When I am not even married to him! So it is not that I can't get over how bad he treated me...it is that I can't freaking get away from the impact his actions are having on me. I don't know how to be free of it!

With a POA, what he did is legal, because I didn't specifically think to say 'sign both names' because it never crossed my mind that he wouldn't!!!
 
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dfromspencer replied to gator1980's response:
It sounds like he did this on purpose, did he? Or did he love you at one time, or another? I'm guessing he got lonely while you were out there serving your country, for his happy ass freedom, right??? Wow, I knew there were guys like him out there, I have never met one, yet? I'm talking about users, and abusers. There have been many on this board, and another, that I've read about. I'm sorry you had to have one!!!

You must be a high ranking individual, in order to support two households??? What with the cost of everything going up and up, its amazing you can do this!!! I just don't know how? I can barely live month to month, on what little I get. I guess I should be glad I didn't become totally disabled, eh??? I just wish someone would take the chance, and hire me? I know I could do some things alright. I digressed, sorry!!!

I'm not a legal minded kind of guy, so I cannot help you, tho I wish I could!!! I hope someone on here can help? Have you tried that free legal advice thingy? Not real sure what they do, but I heard it was free? I just wish you all the luck, and success you can find!!!

Take care, and let us know how it turns out!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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darlyn05 responded:
I read different communities, and replied on the other one. But basically, how and what does your divorce decree say about the house.
 
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gator1980 replied to darlyn05's response:
It says nothing. That's what I meant about losing the separation agreement ... we are just co-owners of a piece of property now.
 
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fcl replied to gator1980's response:
Could you possibly work out an amicable agreement with him? He obviously knows that he's in the wrong so you might be able to negotiate. He gets to stay for another 6 months rent-free but he removes his name from the deed - would that fly?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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gator1980 replied to fcl's response:
He is only verbally amicable and then turns into an ostrich. He verbally agreed to sign a contract saying he would make payments for a year and sign a POA letting me sell if he missed a payment. Then he ignored all attempts to get him to actually sign.

Thank you for the idea, though. I'm realizing how exhausted and desperate and alone I feel! Your post makes me feel supported.
 
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darlyn05 replied to gator1980's response:
Do you have tangible proof, like a recording or a witness, to verify his verbal agreement you mentioned in your reply to FCL? Do you have any written or electronic, e-mail, correspondence concerning his or a verbal agreement? Even with just the mention of an agreement. These can be considered legal and binding. Otherwise it's your word against his.

What state is this in? You can look up the states statues for further information on the legalities and or rights of the owner(s). If he is free to take pocession of the house or not and if you have any legal say in the matter. It doesn't seem right that a judge would allow this to happen let alone it not being brought up during the divorce, stating who gets the house and who pays for it.

Grasping at straws here; What about you selling 'your half', so to speak, of the house? Forcing him into an agreement with the new owner OR sell it out right to him? Is there a way, legally, to force him into signing an/the agreement, like have him served?

I'm affraid I don't see any other recourse than legally. Is your lawyer skilled in both real estate and divorce? If you research the states statues and find one that may work in your favor, bring it to your lawyers attn, he may have over looked it.
 
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darlyn05 replied to gator1980's response:
Thank goodness I copied to a word doc. As it got lost.

Do you have tangible proof, like a recording or a witness, to verify his verbal agreement you mentioned in your reply to FCL? Do you have any written or electronic, e-mail, correspondence concerning his or a verbal agreement? Otherwise it's your word against his.

What state is this in? You can look up the states statues for further information on the legalities and or rights of the owner(s). If he is free to take pocession of the house or not and if you have any legal say in the matter. It doesn't seem right that a judge would allow this to happen let alone it not being brought up during the divorce, stating who gets the house and who pays for it.

Grasping at straws here; What about you selling 'your half', so to speak, of the house? Forcing him into an agreement with the new owner OR sell it out right to him? Is there a way, legally, to force him into signing an/the agreement, like have him served?

I'm affraid I don't see any other recourse than legally. Is your lawyer skilled in both real estate and divorce? If you research the states statues and find one that may work in your favor, bring it to your lawyers attn, he may have over looked it.


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