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    Dating after a 25 year marriage
    Anon_5745 posted:
    I am a 47 year old man dating after a very long relationship. I met this woman who is gorgeous who I really like. She is 41 and is obviously much more experienced than I am in sex and romance in general. I have had only one partner in over 20 years, she has had many I gather.

    It seems I am lacking in "swag" or whatever it is you call it. She has come out and told me she does not like my kissing and if I would kiss her the way she likes which I would be happy to oblige. So I appreciate the critique. She is an outstanding kisser so I gather she knows what she is talking about. She has corrected my hugging (which she compared to a bear hug) and she has told me she is not used to coaching a guy on the basics and I'm afraid my inexperience with dating again is going to scare her off. We have been out 4 or 5 times. We have not been intimate yet and honestly I cannot wait for us to get there but I am worried I am going to be a disappointment in the bedroom. I am used to pleasing one woman and that was my ex and I realize all women are different and have different desires. How do I get some style and sex appeal before I scare her off?
    Anon_596 responded:
    What about renting some 'chic' flicks. You know, the romance movies women like to see, even some spicier ones that aren't pornography. Do you think you could read through some of the romance novels women like to read, or some magazines they like.
    dfromspencer responded:
    I think you should just be frankly honest with her, and ask for her guidance? Tell her how much you want to please her, and if she would be so kind as to tell you what it is she likes, you would be more than happy to oblige her every wish/command.

    I have another idea, ask her if she could be the teacher, and you the naughty school boy? Who knows what kind of fun role playing can be???

    I think you should just be up front, and honest with her? If she's liking you enough to go on dates with, i'm thinking she will understand, and actually WANT to help? What about the kissing? Did she show you how she liked it? If yes, then you have NO worries being up front and honest with her!!!

    I hope this helps you, and good luck!!! I hope your next relationship lasts as long as the first!!!

    Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
    You don't need "swag" or any other pretense. It's important that you find a partner who can appreciate you for you - and that you find a relationship in which you and your partner can be honest and sharing and open to working together.

    I'm wondering whether your ex (or others) complained about your style of kissing, hugging, or being affectionate in any way? Perhaps, it's not so much a matter of you being bad as her wanting something different.

    As I read your post, I also wondered how she responded to you changing your kissing and hugging based on her feedback. Was she supportive? Encouraging? Or, did she just continue to be critical? In other words, I'm wondering whether her feedback is meant to be constructive or more about feeling superior or better about herself.

    If you feel secure with her - with the idea that she really loves you - then you don't have to worry about her leaving you just because of what happens in the bedroom when you are intimate at first. Though it can certainly be wonderful when the first time goes well, it often doesn't go well, or is not exactly heaven. Instead, it frequently takes time for couples to get to know how to make each other feel wonderful. Think of it as a kind of exciting exploration
    cheatinghere13 replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
    I agree, i think you should watch real movies, leae porn alone, tyhey are doing it for the cameras, not for the womens pleasure.. in my experience, the men that learned to bed a woman and tried porn techniques, actually suck at sex. Love making is awesome. learning what "she" or he likes is wonderful. Surely this women knows that youve only been with your wife all these years, your used to pleasing her, and it can be wonderful. I love learning and trying new stuff, get to know her, take your time.. ask her what books or movies she likes; these can be eyes into her idea of what she finds exciting.. i loved 50 Shades of Grey, if she likes these novels, shes a blast, and u can read a few of what she likes and watch some of her favorite movies. talk to her..
    sluggo45692 responded:
    Your over your first hurdel, you know your deficient and willing to learn. Now the next one. Open your mouth and talk to her. Tell her your past (which I'm sure you did), but be open and honest. Believe it or not, being honest and caring is a big turn on for most women. Take it slow. I know you want the prize at the end, but you got to work on it. You might think you'll "scare" her off, but if she doesn't want to talk to you about your "faults", then how can she complain when it's not working for her. You have expectations also and let her know them. If you "scare" her off, guess what, you got experence and there are other gorgeous women out there who will appreciate a man who is willing to learn. As for her correcting you hugs and kisses, that's ok. For the future, start with pecks on the hands & cheeks then on the lips. A full french kiss is for passionate times. A hug is just wrapping your arms around a small gental creature that your protecting. Your not trying to wrestle anything to the ground or crush an opponet. Tell her you need lots of practice on all aspects of romance. Give her you complete attention. The more your with her, the more your learn. Good Luck P.S. If you like adult beverages, go real easy on them. They will make you think your hot stuff, but you just can't judge or learn and you turn in to a leach.
    Anon_5745 replied to sluggo45692's response:
    I am back checking in. we are still seeing each other and things have gotten better. She has told me my kissing has gotten better, and we do lots of PDA when we go out. We have not had sex yet I have a feeling it will happen tomorrow night. I have not seen her since Fri she has young kids. It is obvious we desire each other. I am nervous about pleasing her.
    Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to Anon_5745's response:
    I'm glad to hear things have gotten better. As for being nervous about pleasing her, that's normal - it's ok. But consider whether you would find it helpful to tell her this. You can also think about this as an activity where you let each other know what gives you pleasure- taking out the guess work. This heightens the pleasure for many people. I wish you well- and lots of pleasure!
    sluggo45692 replied to Anon_5745's response:
    Good going, PDA is a good thing. Going slow and making her feel comfortable is always a step in the right direction. You have to feel comfortable and confident in yourself. You'll find a woman wants a man who is comfortable with himself. As the doctor said, it's normal to be nervous. Just get out of your head and let nature take it's course. You have had relationships in the past and your in a relationship now. Just enjoy each other. Good Luck
    rohvannyn responded:
    Don't pretend to be someone you are not. Your naivete may be attractive to her, and the fact that you take coaching well is an amazing advantage. You can go online and read up on lovemaking techniques, including some good articles right here on WebMD, and just get more comfortable with the subject that way. Also, ask her what she likes. She will appreciate the attention and consideration. Just be genuine, and honest, so you don't lose the qualities that attracted her in the first place.

    'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
    livfree responded:
    Read David Deida's Way of the Superior Man and Enlightened Sex Manual.
    Anon_475 replied to livfree's response:
    Only if you enjoy New Age misogyny, vapid catchphrases and psychobabble

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