Looking for some advice and perhaps some information on what type of a counselor that I might talk to. Dating a man for 5 months. He has been divorced for 4 years but has a long history with his ex. He had moved out of state when he got divorced. Married for approx 12 yrs they took in her two biological grandchildren when they were 5 and 6. The oldest is now getting ready for college. About 2 years into the marriage she stopped having any sort of intimacy with him. He tried to work on the marriage for a long time. Counselling..etc.She wanted nothing to do with him. Yet he stayed married for the next 10 years basically living independent lives. He raised the two kids and did everything for them. The oldest is now going off to college. The ex asked him if he had a girlfriend. He said that he was seeing someone. She now wants him back and will do anything to make things right. This coming from a woman who was not intimate on any level with him for at least 10 years. Yet he stated in the marriage. Even aafter the divorce he was very present in the lives of the girls. He would go back to visit and stay in the house with them yet had nothing to do with the ex. He was there in any capacity when the kids needed him or she needed him for the kids. In his words it was an abusive relationship. She wanted nothing to do with him. Did nothing for him. Yet he is conflicted and feels he needs to see if anything can be salvaged out of this. He says he doesn't even know if he likes her as a person. Doesn't even know if he is even attracted to her. Is not excited about the prospect of all of this. Yet he wants to try. He and I have had a great 5 months. We get along on all levels and enjoy each other..things he says he never had for many years in his relationship. I feel that since she sees he is happy.Since he told her he was making plans to be around less and move on..she now wants him back. I realize this is something he has to do.I feel it was a disfunctioanl relationship to be in for so long with no intimacy. He did right by doing all he could for the kids but they grew up in a home with to parent figures who led separate lives. I have my doubts this will work. He says he has his doubts yet he is drawn to her to try. I know I need to just step back and let him focus on that. But I am hoping that in the end it doesnt work and he comes back to me. What does that say about him..staying in a sexless , loveless relationship for 10 years? And when he meets somone and finally tries to pull away..his ex says she will do anything at all. I am finding it hard to believe that you can change those dynamics after so long. Yet it is hard for me to let go. I do realize I have to. I tried to suggest to him that we take a break. Let him focus on trying to reconnect with her and then in a month or so we can reconnect and see where he feels he is at etc. What do you think?
First, you asked what this says about him, staying in a loveless marriage, mostly for the kids? Well, I would say he was a devoted Dad. He may not love his wife any longer, but he still loves his kids. That says a lot about his character!!!
Usually, I hate people who cheat, but even I can understand a situation like his. After twelve unloved years, I may have cheated myself? I still would have wished I could be divorced first, but hey, we can't always get what we want?
Now his unloving wife knows about you two, and is jealous, and now wants hubby back under any circumstances, eh? If I were him, I would have told her this, "You haven't wanted me for twelve years, you really don't want me now, you just want me as miserable as you are. You made your bed, now sleep in it, and give me a divorce"!!! I think he "wants" to see how things go, just for his own peace of mind? She may be everything he remembers falling in love with? Then again, and I believe this is more than likely, she will once again return to no loving, no sex, and he will leave her in good time.
I myself, think you are doing the right thing! Stepping out of the picture, and allowing him time to find out what it is he needs, and wants, is deffinately the right thing to do!!! You are a classy lady, and I admire you for that!!!!!!!!! Now, I am hoping he see's the light faster than ever, and comes running back to you, the one who truly loves him!!!
You are doing what's best - giving him space, understanding, and a time frame to sort through things. In the long run this potentially protects you from getting into a relationship where down the road he may feel resentment or regret that could come between you.
There are two sides to every story and I must point out that its possible his truth about their marriage is slightly exaggerated. I'm not trying to knock the man, but separation/divorce has been known to generate half-truths out of bitterness/resentment.
Since my divorce, the ex has been telling people we divorced because I didn't want or couldn't have kids. Yes, I've heard two different versions from two different people! Besides the fact that was the farthest thing from the truth. I did want to have kids with him, and he wasn't sure. I think he chose to tell people this was the reason we divorced because before he even filed he got his gf of two months pregnant. It was a big secret - he didn't acknowledge it with me during our divorce proceedings and he still hasn't. I found out about it on facebook of all places! Their child is almost a year old and I've recently had people tell me they saw him/them recently and had no idea we were divorced or that he had a kid with someone else.
I guess I'm just trying to say, be careful and protect yourself. it is possible she could be jealous/possessive of what is going on in his life now and perhaps if they made a go of it again and things remained the same he will most likely sever that relationship and move on. If he is willing to try with her again, he isn't ready to move on - and maybe the reasons he wants to try again aren't ones he is ready to share with you.
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