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Children and relationship
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Carbonbiker6 posted:
I will try not to be long winded, but I need advice? About 9 years ago I got divorced and had two kids a girl who was 12 at the time and a son 10 years old. The divorce was not the smoothest in the world and probably did some harm to the children. Neither my ex-wife nor I ever used drugs and we lived in a very good up-scale neighborhood. After the divorce we move to two very good condominiums in the same complex with joint custody. Now fast forward to present day in June 2013: I have been living about 1,200 miles away from my children who still live near their mom. For the past 4 years I live with my Girlfriend and my kids have been down to visit several times. My son lived with use for two summers then went back to mom for school; my daughter lived with us for about 3 months about two years ago. A year ago my daughter had a child with a real loser for a husband that is now sitting in jail for the next two years. My son is 20 and had been living on his own for nearly two years. He dropped out of High School because he had problems with his mom. Both my kids are basket cases, but I divorce my wife not my kids. I still love them and care about them.
Not this is the situation, the end of summer 2010, my son got angry with my girlfriend and had said some nasty choice words. My girlfriend is divorced, but never had any children. I don't blame her for being angry, but my son has special needs. His is floundering where he is 1,200 miles away and I can't get a job transfer back to where he is now nor can I find a new job there and give up 23 years where I work now. He is smart, but seems to be borderline autistic. I really need to have him move close to me, but my girlfriend is vehemently opposed to the idea. I do not plan to move him into the home she and I share; I plan to get him an apartment close by. He has asked many times to be closer to his dad and that he does not want to be supported by me forever, but he needs my help to show him how to take care of himself. His mom near him does little to nothing to help him so I am his only real hope. I love my girlfriend very much and I don't want to lose her, but I also have to help my child any way I can. Over the past two months when I try to discuss him moving down she gets angry and we start to argue. We never argue about very many things and we have an excellent relationship with the exception of my kids. I try to put myself in her shoes as if she had a daughter that needed help and that she blasted me 2 years ago. I don't hold grudges, I don't think I would want her living in our home, but if my girlfriend has her daughter in an apartment I would be OK with it. The only thing I can imagine is that perhaps my son would take time away from my girlfriend.
Could she be jealous?
Should I just turn my back on my 20 year old son to sink or swim on his own?
I don't thing I can in good conscience turn my back on my kids,
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rohvannyn responded:
Sounds like a tough situation. Your ex-wife's opinion is important, but your son is 20. He is an adult unless he has been adjuticated mentally incompetant. If he wants to move to live near you, he definitely can, and it might be a good idea. It sounds like you have his best interests at heart.

It's sad to hear your girlfriend gets argumentative when the subject comes up. I don't know how you have tried talking about it, that is, in what ways, but that can have an effect. I wonder if she's afraid of being supplanted, or subconsciously jealous? At the same time, shouldn't she want you to be loyal to your family as long as she's always first in your attentions? I don't know enough about the situation, obviously. Have you tried letting her know how much you still value her company?

Best of luck with this.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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dfromspencer responded:
As Roh has already said, and I whole heatedly agree, your girlfriend should come first, your son is an adult. However, your girlfriend should be secure enough in your relationship to understand how you want/need to help your son!!! And, as you already told her, he would be in his own apartment, and you could set rules as to how often he could come visit? So, you need to make your girlfriend understand your FATHERLY NEED to do this! Without having children of her own, how could she possibly know this instinctively? She can't! You have to get her to see how this is your fatherly duty to help an ailing, flailing child!!! Even I had my father's help after my divorce, when I needed him most!!!

If she fails to see how this effects you, then perhaps its time to move on? She will never be there to back you up, with your own children. That is so sad! I really hope she can see the hurt in your eye's and heart, and come around!!! She needs to be your rock right now, and she is being selfish, instead! Give it to her straight, FAMILY always HAS to come first! If you were married to her, i'd bet there would be no problems with this? She's feeling like she is getting the shi--y end of the stick, right now. Try to make her see that's just not true. I think she would alredy know that, by now?

Best of luck to you!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!


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