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No win?
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An_245963 posted:
I am very much an introvert. I've been married twice once for 19 years and the other for less than a year. I love people and enjoy having social contact in limited doses. I certainly like having someone to go to a movie with, out to dinner with, or on a vacation with. However I also crave a lot of alone time. I prefer living alone and am fearful of remarrying not knowing if I can handle having someone else in the house all the time.

That said I have no social friends. All my friends are married and busy with their wives and social lives. I am NOT a group person. I have a bit of social phobia so joining groups to make friends does not work for me. I can get all the dates I want but have to be careful not to lead anyone on. I want love and affection yet not sure I want it full-time.

I have been in counseling on and off my entire adult life after growing up in a highly dysfunctional alcoholic home. I take meds for anxiety and mood. Nothing has ever helped me overcome this intense need for alone time.

I do feel like it is a no-win. I am not entirely happy. For moral reasons I won't be intimate outside of a very committed relationship with long-term intentions. So unless I feel I can go there sex is out of the question even though I crave it too. I will not get into a serious, potential marriage relationship just for sex though. I don't want to end up married and miserable. My choices seem to be stay single and be celibate and have to do most things alone or risk unhappiness and pursue a serious relationship. I am ok testing the waters of a serious relationship but don't want to lead anyone on and so far in 53 years of life that need for lots of alone time has never lessened. I am afraid it might be too much for another person.

Anyone else wrestle with this?
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gd9900 responded:
I struggle with something along that line. I am an outgoing person, and enjoy the company of loved ones. In past relationships, living with someone and sharing a life with them I found desirable for a multitude of reasons. I've been on my own for two years now, since my separation/divorce, and I look at relationships and the possibility of living with someone quite different than I ever have in the past. I'm not one who has enjoyed long stretches of alone time in the past. When my husband finally (after 3 years in limbo) told me he wanted a divorce because marriage was too much pressure, I was crushed. I became introverted and it took me a long time to work out of it. Now, I'm an empty nester, and I'm finding I enjoy living alone. I have many really great friends and family in my life. I do miss having my family in close quarters to a degree. Having no one to come home to is in a way bittersweet. When I come home from work, the house is just the way I left it. I do what I want when I want, and if there is a mess to be cleaned its my mess to deal with. I have time now to do the things I want to do, the way I want to do them. For me, part of why I like living alone is because of those things I mentioned - another part of it is enjoying the silence from the emotional drama that is present when living with others. I'm much less tolerant of drama and my home has become my solace from it. Because of my financial aftermath from the divorce, I've considered renting a room - there are a very few people I've made that offer to. It would help my finances, but I don't know if I really want that right now. My need for being alone isn't intense as you say it is for you, but I've often wondered if I will ever feel the want to welcome another person in my everyday life. At this point, I am happier not being in a relationship although I do miss sharing a life, love, and affection with a man. I just do not feel that is an intense need. My focus is elsewhere and I know I am not alone,even though at times I do get lonely.
 
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dfromspencer responded:
Absolutely! All of us that are living alone, and that have been in any long term relationship, know exactly what you are saying! I've been living alone for the better part of twenty years, with the exception of my now deceased best friend who lived with me for about three years.

I had a few short term relationships after my divorce, but I never really fell in love, and so I made a vow to be celebate until I felt that love. Well, no more of that. Now, I am ready for anything! Long term, short term, over night, I don't care. Love is like a drug, by love I mean sex. Sure, I still want/need/crave my alone time, but who doesn't?

A long term, loving relationship doesn't mean you have to be joined at the hip. Each must give the other space. I think any one person would feel smothered, other wise? Its all about trust. You have to trust your spouse to trust you, and vice versa! If you need alone time, talk to her/him, and go find some solitude. Hey, even if its just camping out in the den for a time, a loving relationship is well worth giving up total solitude!!!

I don't know about you, but after living alone for twenty of my last 54 years, I am more than ready to give up my bachelorhood!!! Right now, I wouldn't even give a damn if she used my toothbrush!!! I wouldn't even care if she left her pantyhose hanging from the shower rod!!! We humans are NOT built for solitude! We are a loving, sharing species. We NEED to feel a belonging, a belonging to someone!!! We are a sharing kind of being, we need to share our lives with someone!

I hope it doesn't take you as long to figure that out, as it did me!!! I have never been more ready to share in all my life! Sure, the solitude is great, for a while, anyway! Then you just get bored with yourself!!! Trust me on that! There is no amount of one night stands, or short term relationships worth living alone for a very long time! As soon as I can find a woman I can love, and build trust with, I will never be alone, again!!! Screw that!!!

Hope this helps!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!


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