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Anon_11642 posted:
Hi - don't want to go into too much detail as afraid I would bore you but I really do have a very difficult daughter-in-law - they live down the street from me and have a 4 year-old boy who is my grandson.

We are into harvest - I have been cooking for 37 years and after my experience this year my husband and I decided to announce I am retiring from cooking at harvest time. My DIL is a diabetic type 1 and deaf although has cochlear implants and manages although doesn't hear as well as normal people. Anyway, we all knew I was going to bring down my famous lasagne on a particular day. The day before my back went out and was in such pain - I had my grandson at library and got off chair wrong and was in horrible pain I couldn't even lift my foot - was able to get grandson back to daycare and had a stranger buckle him in.

Anyway, I knew the next day I had to bring down food and was wondering how I was going to do this in this pain. Did go to chiropractor the next day and got an adjustment and ice - it is still on the mend and will need more treatments and may take a while to heal.

I had 3 friends who volunteered to help me but luckily I was feeling better enough to at least function. Well, I had it in the oven and get a call from my husband that DIL just brought down the meal. I was upset but they decided we will invite more people to eat all this food.

Now this is the upsetting part - my DIL can never admit she ever makes a mistake - I have seen her making many - the bottom line is she doesn't hear as well as I do. She would not talk to me when I came down there - she did not join our table outside but stayed in the office and pouted and played with her cell phone. She wants me to apologize as it was "MY" error - I refuse to apologize for something I did not do. And think of this effort I made due to my horrible back pain which made me more furious.

So for now, my husband said don't worry about any more meals as our son and this DIL will take care of which they are now.

Well, what will happen next as in past history is they both will come over and hash it over again. I decided to say I will not talk about it anymore - it's overwith - there was a mistake and no more talk. I refuse to hash this out and get stressed again.

I will announce to them when appropriate I am not going to do cooking anymore and my friend told me make it simple - no explanation.

Anyway, I get depressed because I have such a difficult DIL - my son would have divorced her long ago he told me if he didn't have a son - he is concerned for his welfare which is the type of person he is - he is a very kind and good person.

Anyway, I am somewhat stressed at what is to come - I hate confrontations - we have had many with this woman. I decided if I can't get out of this discussion, I will just say my back is hurting and I have to lie down.

I will not apologize for something I didn't do. She has always blames other people when she is the one at fault especially in this situation. It's hard on my son because he is put in the middle and she said we have to keep the stress down. TRUE, but her pouting in the office and not joining the rest of us is immature in my eyes.

What I wanted to do is just say "hey, we made a mistake" - and laugh about it and move on.

But the drama queen will not let this happen so am stressing over what is to come.

What do you think of my plan? Do you think it is the way to go? My husband feels 37 years of cooking is time to retire and I am 69 years old by the way.

Anyway, thank you SO much for letting me vent. I will check my messages periodically to see if I get an answer.

I have always had problems with dealing with very difficult people - this woman has no friends - I have a daughter who was in the same class with her and hates her - it's sad she doesn't do something to improve herself at 41 years of age - I cannot change her - I realize that - but when they live down the street it isn't always pleasant and hopefully I will be able to see my grandson.

Now, if she threatens me and saying if I don't apologize I wont see my grandson - she is capable of this - maybe that is what I worry about. My grandson and me are very close - he loves me very much and runs to me every time with kisses - hopefully, this fiasco will calm down.

Sorry, it's getting long.
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gd9900 responded:
My apologies, I've read this post several times and its unclear to me what your DIL is upset over and thinks you should apologize for?
 
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Anon_11642 replied to gd9900's response:
She claims that I didn't hear right - that she was to take the meal down since I don't like the area I was to bring it.

She assumed it - she's upset because according to her I did not communicate with her.

She doesn't communicate well - I am supposed to apologize for bringing the meal down when she was supposed to.
\
I know this is stupid but we are dealing with a very deranged mind here.

This whole thing is dumb - as I said she doesn't hear well and many times gets things mixed up in the past but will never admit anything.

Anyway, thanks for your interest.
 
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sunflower1943 replied to gd9900's response:
Hi - thanks for your interest. She is mad because in her mind SHE was supposed to bring the meal down and not me - that I got mixed up with communication.

Which she is wrong - as I mentioned she has a hearing problem but will never admit she didn't hear right.

She has gotten lots of things mixed up in the 10 years she has been married to my son. I don't know but maybe people who have hearing impairment don't want to admit they can't hear well.

I don't know but I know this thing is going to continue - there could be a confrontation from her for me to apologize. I am not going to apologize for my not communicating to her - because I am not responsible for both of us bringing the meals down.

Hope you understand - I know it is stupid - like I said I would just like to laugh about it and move on - she is very serious and my daughter nicknames her the "drama queen" -

She is very difficult person to get along with - can't have any fun with her.

Anyway, thanks for trying to help me - I know - it is silly this whole thing but then you don't know my DIL.

thanks again.
 
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Anon_11642 replied to sunflower1943's response:
One more thing - she called me up and was trying to tell me she was supposed to do this meal and she couldn't hear me on the phone so she said she couldn't hear me so I talked louder and she said you are yelling at me so I hung up.

I don't need all that stress - especially since I am in such pain with my back - no remorse - no feelings - not a caring person at all.

Sad we have to put up with her and we live on the same block.
I am trying not to let her affect me with my mood but know it's not over - have so many other things with her you wouldn't believe how she acts.

Sorry I posted 3 times here now - I didn't think it posted and then saw it did. Anyway, thanks again for trying to help me. Am going to try and get some rest now.

Have a good week!
 
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dfromspencer replied to Anon_11642's response:
It sounds to me as if she has too much pride? That is why she is demanding you apollogise. She couldn't hear you, but I guess she expected you to hear her, even though she never told you anything? She probably thinks she did tell you?

Be the bigger person, and tell her it was just a misunderstanding. Say, "lets just forget this, and move on, ok"? You want to see your grandson, so don't make waves for little reasons. It almost seems as if she is goading you into these confrontations? Ignore her. Be the bigger person, here, for the sake of family!!!

Good luck!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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Anon_11642 replied to dfromspencer's response:
Thank you - good advice. Appreciate it.
 
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ecotime47 responded:
So you're saying you want to ignore the issue and pretend it will go away (to avoid the drama, right?). Then there will be another episode down the road and the drama will continue. It sounds like you guys have come to this "place of misunderstanding" often. Maybe it's time to handle things differently.

Please don't take offense to this but it might be time to resolve whatever conflict exists between you and your daughter-n-law. It is astounding to me that you would rather keep score of who's right and who's wrong than deal with the issues that constantly come between you.

Maybe try to work to understand one another, find compromise, and build a stronger family dynamic. It sounds like you turned on your DIL a long time ago and you would rather her be out of the picture than have a healthy relationship with her. Think about how much happier things could be, especially for your little grandson, if you guys truly loved one another as you should.

It takes a mature person to be the one to apologize and seek reconciliation... even when they're not in the wrong. Somebody has to be the better person here. Do you have it in you?
 
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Anon_11642 replied to ecotime47's response:
You can't do this with her - she has been this way all her life and the way I know this is that she was in my daughter's class all through those years and when my son was engaged to her my daughter was upset - some people are just difficult and won't change.

I cannot change HER - we can't - I do the best I can with her as does everyone else - we are civil but don't get friendly or close - closeness leads to trouble - you can't just visit - we just talk about things with the grandson - no small talk - it works out better that way.

As a matter of fact everyone else does the same - including my husband - he has told me repeatedly you cannot have fun with her ever - I know and rather than getting stressed with trying to be friendly and ending up sour we just try to get along and be civil.

I will never like her - my son does everything and he does everything because he has to live with her. She doesn't have to clean the house (has a housekeeper and has a small house) doesn't bathe the child - my son does or mow - or ever have anyone over.

In the 10 years they have been married I have never eaten one thing that she made. One year on Xmas my son invited us over for soup he made - he felt embarrassed about that but said I dont care what you give us to eat - we just want to see our grandson's toys, etc.

She didn't even help with the dishes and even at harvest one time I invited her to come with me - big mistake - everything I said she contradicted me, when I brought the food out she stood with the men and would not even help me serve - finally I asked my husband for help - that was when my back was bad.

Anyway, I appreciate your help and thoughts but believe me after 10 years we try to be civil and nice but not get too close - it hasn't worked and my daughter is the same - she only tolerates her on holidays - actually she doesn't have to see her often - just then -

Anyway, thanks for your help.


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