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Attention: The information provided in this forum is intended for educational purposes only, and is not a substitute for individual professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
When Self-Compassion Trumps Caring for Others
Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD posted:
Too often, people who are in love or just view themselves as caring people are all too willing to put up with being treated poorly. Yes, true friends understand each other's struggles — they are compassionate and cut each other some slack. But it is equally true that everyone deserves to be treated with respect. You deserve to be treated with respect. So, if someone in your life is repeatedly harsh or has a pattern of being hurtful, it's time to care about yourself and your pain first.

This can be difficult; really difficult. And the more you care about the other person, the more difficult it can be. Still, you need to take care of yourself.

If you can relate to this struggle, how has it played out in your life? Or, how is it playing out now?

If you would like to read more in detail about this topic in my The Art of Relationships blog, click here .

Dr. Becker-Phelps's discussions and her responses in those discussions are for general educational purposes only. If you need help for an emotional or behavioral problem, please seek the assistance of a psychologist or other qualified mental health professional.
rohvannyn responded:
Ah, such a good thing to look at. I sometimes have a persistant belief that others somehow have more right to be treated well than I do, but at the same time I start feeling resentful about that and I get passive aggressive because I don't give myself permission to be assertive.

All this would be fixed if I could just internalize the idea that I have an inherent right to exist, and therefore am able to be calm and direct about things instead of reacting all over the place.

Sounds simple... untill I get in the moment. Then I forget most of my good intentions. Need to learn to seperate reaction from action much better than I currently do.

Being kind and compassionate with myself is even harder than expecting kind and compassionate behavior from others, though I am getting better than that.

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
dfromspencer replied to rohvannyn's response:
Hi Roh,

I'm so glad to hear you are getting better at your own self compassion! It does take some effort, I know!!! It was so hard for me, I was the one that always gave the compassion, but I never let myself be compassionate to myself, I know you know what I mean!!! What a fight it has been, but I am sooooo much better at keeping it even, now!

I hope you get to where you need to be, soon! I will send you some good vibes to help, ok?!!!

Be well, Roh and Spouse!!!

rohvannyn replied to dfromspencer's response:
DSpouse has this to add: that not only do I need to get better at expecting compassion, I need to get better at accepting it when it comes, too. How right she is. A real treasure, that one. Good to see you, Dennis!

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ

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