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Coping issues
An_244911 posted:
This isn't suppose to trouble me this much, but it does. Please help me get my head around it. I've been with this girl, and we are really great together. She recently told me that when she was 15 she was in a relationship with a guy who was 20 years older then she is - her first sexual encounter btw. Her father had just died in a car crash, and I know that girls often fall in love with older men, but in my head it sounds more like rape. I mean - how can a grown man have "a relationship" with a 15 year old child? I can understand her, a child being in love and all, but I can't understand this pervert. That's what's bugging me... That's too sick for me! I'm not angry with her or anything, and I know it took a lot of guts to tell me that, but I'm feeling very bad knowing that. That was 9 years ago, and she had a normal long-term relationship after that... She says she wishes to erase that from her mind, and I know it's not a very big deal for us as a couple (past is the past, she's the person she is now because of that past), but I'm a bit angry (at her being a stupid kid, and at that man being a paedophile)... Please guys, help me get over this hideous feeling... :s
dfromspencer responded:
In the old days, a relationship like that would require a marriage. A girl of 15/16 was considered a woman. Now days, that just won't fly, right? Why not? She has a mind of her own, and she was probably the one to initiate this strange relationship, right? Her father just left her, she needed that father figure, she went out and found it, using the only thing she had, her body! This is not infrequent any more. Recently, there was a whole lot of young school girls going out with older men, just to get pregnant, so they would have someone to truly love them. They believed in their hearts that, a baby would change their lives, make them seem older, and that the child would love them unconditionally!!!

Unconditionally!!! We are supposed to love our girlfriends, wives unconditionally, right? Ok, Nice talking to you!

I hope you two live happily ever after!!!

tmlmtlrl responded:

Please get rid of the anger towards her "being a stupid kid". I'm sure she is angry enough with herself by the way it sounds.

I agree the man is a pervert and yes it was rape. A 15 y/o is a child and there are statutory (sp?) rape laws for a reason.

Given all the details here, I think the sad part is that there was no one in her life to protect her. Someone should've been there for her so that that man wouldn't have had access to her.

You also need to be honest with yourself and how you really feel about all this. First you say you're not angry with her and then you say you are.

Talk it out. Come to grips. And move on. Either you can do that or not. It's nothing you or her can change and if it's going to stay under your skin then it's probably best for you to move on from this relationship.
tmlmtlrl replied to dfromspencer's response:
Dennis, I have to say I'm disappointed to hear you say such a thing: "Why not? She has a mind of her own, and she was probably the one to initiate this strange relationship, right?"

How can you just speculate that she initiated the relationship? And "why not?" "she has a mind of her own"????? We're talking about a 15 y/o child. Her brain hasn't evolved enough to properly make decisions like that. She doesn't have the understanding of consequences yet at that age.

A 35 y/o MAN that took advantage of a 15 y/o is sick. Whether she initiated or not! He had no right to take advantage of her, and in a perfect world he wouldn't been locked up for it.

Again the sad part is that she didn't have anyone to protect her.
An_244911 replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
I didn't say it right. I'm not angry with her in a "she had hurt me" kinda way, or something like that. I'm angry that she let herself be that naive. After all she regrets it. A smart, kind, wonderful girl she is now let herself be pulled into that.

Dennis, girls often ruin their lives when they do that. Kids and families can't live on love alone. I don't agree with you that a 15 year old girl has a mind of her own. I was 15, and I KNOW that the choices I made at that time on impulse were mostly wrong. That every time I didn't listen to my parents at that time ended as a mistake. Especially when love was involved. Something that seemed like a world to me was basically nothing. We probably have a different opinion on what "unconditionally" means, so I won't get into that. Thank you anyway

@tmlmtlrl thanks, you said exactly what I said, but needed to hear it from someone else. Sorry for the misunderstanding about being angry, I love her, and things that happened before me don't bother me much, but I haven't had any experience with this sort of stuff. Had to ask, or my head would have exploded.
fcl replied to An_244911's response:
"I'm angry that she let herself be that naive. "

She was only 15 ... How many of us can say that at 15 we were not naive (though at the time we were sure we knew it all ) in one way or another?

It's extremely flattering for a teen to have an adult pay attention to her. It's very hard to resist. She wasn't naive, she was taken advantage of.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
An_244911 replied to fcl's response:
exactly thanks
rohvannyn replied to fcl's response:
Not so very long ago, many people took on adult roles as early as 12 or 13 years of age. Then again, many people learned how to work and how to be useful a lot earlier, watching their parents. For thousands of years it has been fairly normal for girls to marry in their mid teens, and accept adult responsibility by 15 or earlier. They lived lives just as complex and difficult as ours are, just different. So it's definitely not a matter of brain development, at least not anything set in stone. However, brains learn in response to stimulus, and input, so if we don't teach our kids what it means to be responsible from an early age, they won't learn till... whenever they learn. Therefore I would not expect a modern woman of 15 to make good decisions, because she hasn't been raised in an environment that allows it.

That said, the original question was how to come to terms with this. I think the original poster is on the way to that. Both partners were at fault to some extent, but I believe the girlfriend has far less responsibility than the older man. No matter how much she threw herself at him, if in fact she did, it was HIS responsibility also to say "no thanks." It was a childish, and morally wrong, thing for him to do.

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ

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