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needssomeadvice posted:
Is it strange that my BF never tells me about his ex-GFs? We have been together 5 years. We live together, we just have a child. We know a lot about each other, and I think we tell each other everything, but he never talks about any of his exes. I am not sure how many he's had ( I only had 1). He don't even like talking about his Prom. If I ever ask, he gets irritated and says it's not important. All I got out of him is that he had some bad relationships where he got hurt and that his GF before me was really self-centered. Don't get me wrong, he is a great guy. He is good to our son. He has never done anything to make me fear or really doubt him. And it never really bothered me before, but there is one female name that keeps popping up who he claims is an old friend. He was texting and emailing her when we first started dating. When I asked about her, he said she was just a friend. Then she kinda disappeared from his FB account and list contacts. I don't snoop btw — it just something I noticed. Anyways, she suddenly appeared on his contacts again. And coincidentally he is expressing interest in moving to the city I happen to know she lives in (I did look into that). It is a little suspicious. I have a feeling that she was more than a friend. He has other female friends, but for some reason this one gets under my skin. I am not sure how to go about asking, because I know he won't tell me. And since he's kept it a secret so long I am not sure I would believe him. I also had a really bad previous relationship (the 1). I was cheated on and treated badly, so I know I have some trust issues. Also, every guy I have ever dated (casually) has been either married or had a GF in which I have found out about in other ways. So I KNOW I have trust issues. I seem to attract jerks/players like a magnet. I feel like I need to protect myself from being hurt again. So more than anything I just want to know what up, before I am shocked. Any advice? - uncertain
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rohvannyn responded:
I understand the urge to distrust, really I do. I don't know if we know whether to be suspicious or not, however.

Some people don't like to talk about their exes because they don't want to be seen as comparing their current partner with past partners, or sometimes because they want to forget about past partners. With a female friend, or an ex-girlfriend the guy still likes, I could see how that guy might want to keep her a secret, out of fear of making his current partner jealous, or hurting his current partner. For example, he might keep a friend secret if he's not cheating, and wouldn't cheat, but doesn't want it to appear that he is cheating.

Either way openness is probably best. You could show him this post, or let him know your fears, and try to show him it is an opportunity to build trust between you. Maybe you could meet his friend and the three of you could spend time together. Talk to him about why he wants to move to the other city, maybe there are really good reasons. Trust your intuition, sure, but at the same time try to think about things logically so your past experiences don't cloud your logic too much.

I wish you the best.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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fcl responded:
I don't think it's strange that he doesn't talk about his exes, quite the opposite, in fact. I've never talked about any of mine to my partner nor has he ever mentioned any of his. Why? Because they're unimportant. They're a part of the past. I love him for who he is. Oh, and we've been together for 30 years now...

I agree with Rohvannyn - talk to him. Good communication is essential in a couple. I also think that meeting her would be a good idea. That would clear your mind about any suspicions. She just might be a friend (I have a number of male friends and my partner has met all of them). Him wanting to move to her city may be a simple coincidence in his jobhunting. The possibilities are endless and the only way you will ever know is to talk to him. It certainly knocks spots off of wasting time by sitting and worrying
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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sluggo45692 responded:
This is a guy's point of view. I don't talk about my ex's to my gf. I did that a little bit before we were committed as a couple. I seen hurt in her eyes. I wasn't bragging or comparing. I was just talking about some of the places we (me & ex) had went. After 5 years, it's"are you sure you want to go there. You there with (ex)****" type of attiude I still sometimes get. I did it some with my ex wife. I dated her cousin before her. BIG MISTAKE talking about that relationship. She's still jealous of the relationship and hates her cousin, because her cousin had me before her. Even though we're divorced, she still won't talk to her cousin. She's my ex-wife because she cheated on me. Like the ladies posted before me. Talk to him about this specific woman. Don't go for all the other histories. It's in the past and let it lay there. Good Luck
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to sluggo45692's response:
All the responses here suggest that you be open with him about your concerns. If you have done that, please let us know how it went- or is going. If not, what are your thoughts or concerns about doing it?


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