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Ladies I have a question...regarding texting. Fella's chime in too!
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1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on posted:
Over the last couple of years, I have noticed a trend, at least in my personal experiences. The trend being, that the few women I have attempted to date over that period of time and how often they are using their smart phones. I know that this is sadly the direction that communication has gone over the past decade. But what I dont understand is this, why do I always see women texting/tweeting etc. on their phones. And yet when I personally text them, it takes them a while to respond? But in a social setting they can't seem to put the phone down for one second. I understand that they have lives and I have tried not to get hung up on this issue, but it is happening again. We text every other day or so, nothing serious, usually just playful banter. But when I ask a more serious question, it takes hours or even a day or more to get a response. I have tried picking up the phone to call, but given the conflicts in our work schedules, that can be difficult. I left a message and gave her the option to either call or text me back, which she did after she got off of work.

We have went out only once, but we have known each other socially for sometime and we have hung out since our date socially. There is an attraction to each other, physically and mentally(at least on my part). Since our first date, which went over well and we both agreed that we would like to see each other again and soon. Since then I have asked her out a couple more times and call it bad timing, but she already had plans, no biggie. But her response, is always, we will get together real soon. She is a couple years older than me, so i guess i am expecting some level of respect, that if you reach out to someone, you should at least acknowledge it with a response. And NO the response doesnt need to be immediate.

So after all that, is there any logical reason, as to why the last 3 or 4 women i have dated have acted in a similar fashion? Constantly on their phones, but yet, it takes them forever to get back to me, if ever at all.

Any insight would be appreciated!

IC
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dfromspencer responded:
With this being the information age, and everything is at your fingertips, with just a touch of that fingertip the world is ours!

Unfortunately, there are a lot of women today that cannot for the life of them, take their fingers off that connection? I have seen for myself, just how bad they are! They cannot even hold a conversation, their eyes glued to the screen, and not you! It doesn't matter what they are doing, we are now less important than their I-phones are?! Facebook is one of the biggest culprits, followed closely by U-tube, I think? And then of course, they have to talk to their B.F.F. forever, and ignore the world around them!

I'm sorry my friend, this appears to be our future? What can we do? I hope to find a woman that is more interested in me, than that piece of mechanical crap in her hand?!!!

I wish you luck!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on replied to dfromspencer's response:
D,

That's exactly my point, they are constantly connected to their phones. So if I am as important to them as they say, you'd think they would return my message. So I guess the real question I am asking is, is she telling me the truth about how she feels? or is she attempting to string me along?
 
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rohvannyn replied to 1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on's response:
She may actually care for you. Not sure what to say about the non responsiveness though... I see the same thing. When I was used by Facebook (I put it that way for a reason) my "friends" got back to me right away when I was on it. Now that I have given up Facebook (because I am tired of viruses, ads, and giving up my privacy) none of those "friends" ever bother to email me.

She may not be talking to others all the time when she's glued to her smartphone. There are lots of online games that are total brain-suckers, like Farmville and Castleville and literally hundreds more. They depend on almost constant interaction and they can get really addicting. I should know, I broke myself of the habit. And I agree with Dennis, this is epidemic and I'm not sure what to do about it either.

The only thing I can say is, people really need to get their heads out of their butts regarding electronics. I sometimes pay more attention to my computer than my spouse and that is WRONG. I suppose you could just ask her straight out, "why do you take so long to respond to me when I have a question?" and see what kind of excuse she has. Or simply "it hurts when you ignore my questions."

Good luck to you.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on replied to rohvannyn's response:
Roh,

I appreciate your input, the times I have been with her, she is texting and i havent seen her play any of those online games, not to say that she doesnt. I have been talking to my therapist about all of this and that was her suggestion as well, just ask her. I just feel a bit awkward asking because we have only been out once and just basically interact socially. So I dont want to come across as needy or desperate, I dont feel that asking her would imply either of those scenarios, but I dont know how she would perseve that sort of question. The biggest thing I need to do is set that boundary with her and let her know that I do get upset. That being said, I dont do a good job of setting boundaries. I just try to hard to get someone like me, that I'll push my own needs away and focus solely on theirs.

Thanks!

IC
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to 1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on's response:
The fear of rejection is one that I'm sure everyone in this community (and beyond) can relate to. When people struggle with asserting their own needs because of this, it is important for them to become clear within themselves that their needs are valid. Consider, for instance, what you would think of a friend who said he felt the same way when he was with a woman. Would you understand or be critical of him for it? If you think you'd understand, then keep that in mind as you address this issue with your date. Good luck!!
 
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1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
Dr. LBP,

I dont know if this is a fear of rejection, i have asked her out multiple times and we havent been able to connect, she has prior plans with friends, etc. Normally in the past i probably would have thrown in the towel, but for some reason i keep persisting. So when she tells me she has plans, i do understand. But if she was as into me as she has expressed, you'd think that she would perhaps break those plans atleast once to go have dinner and hang out. But then again, that's me, i would do that at the drop of a hat. My biggest concern is staying "relevant" and I feel that she could easily forget about me and the fun that we have had together. She is a very beautiful girl, so my self confidence issues are front and center. She is the type of girl who in theory, could have anyone she wanted, but yet, she chose to hang out with me.

As for understand a friend in my shoes, i absolutely would. However I would probably offer the same advice that I am giving myself. As I have mentioned the majority of the times that we have hung out, we have been out socially at a bar. Ideally I want to go out with her in an environment that would be isolated so I could actually tell her how I felt and get a pulse of where she wants this to go. If she wants to just be friends, i am completely fine with that. On the other hand, if she could see a relationship in the future, id be happy with that too. I just need to know so i can do what i need to do for whatever the outcome. Obviously if she chose the friend option, i would be a bit upset and hurt, but id be able to live with that knowing that we could still be friends.

My biggest challenge is that I am a good guy, I am not a player and I try to treat women with the utmost respect. All that keeps running thru my head is "nice guys finish last". But I cant really play that jerk role, that so many women seem to be attracted to. I understand their is a huge difference in being a nice guy and being assertive, compared to being a nice guy and a push over. The latter is what i have been in the past and sadly some of those tendencies resurface and like i said before i appear needy or desperate.

Thanks for your time, I really appreciate your input.

IC
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to 1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on's response:
IC, it sounds like you have really thought this through well and are clear about your thoughts and feelings. Despite you having asked her out a number of times, I still wonder (don't know) whether you fear rejection. I say this because you said, "I just try to hard to get someone like me, that I'll push my own needs away and focus solely on theirs." People who do this are often willing to put their needs aside as a way of getting acceptance and avoiding rejection (or lack of interest). If this isn't the case, you might want to ask yourself what motivates you (thoughts and feelings) to push your needs aside.

If you are being assertive and not getting the results that you want, I suppose you are in the position of having to decide as you go along whether you have tried enough and need to move on. As for your reference to 'nice guys', often nonassertive nice guys finish last (or end up in a relationship that is not fully respectful of them) - but assertive (not aggressive) nice guys are in a position to develop a happy relationship in which both partners are respectful and loving toward each other.
Good luck!
 
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1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
Dr. LBP,

After some thought I do agree that it is a fear of rejection, given that is something I have struggled with for a long long time. And it is this fear of rejection that has lead to my belief that I am not good enough, for anyone, myself included. And looking back at all my past relationships, i have always put their needs ahead of mine, because i was afraid to lose them.

As for the nonassertiveness I would have to say the reason for that again would be the fear of rejection or having a fight. And the fight leading to the end of a relationship, so i would just cave to make them happy and me miserible. Again this isnt just a one time thing, it has happened in every relationship I have been involved in. Perhaps the term Vicious Cycle should make an appearance.

Thanks for your input!

IC
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to 1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on's response:
You are welcome. I hope you use this insight to take a step forward in facing your fear and nurturing a happy relationship. Please continue to let us know how it goes and how we can help you in this journey.
 
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1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
Dr. LBP,

I will try my best to put this information to good use. As you know the biggest step, is getting out of my own way and allowing myself to take risks emotionally. I just need to get used to stepping outside of my comfort zone.

Thanks!

IC
 
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jeaniebrown responded:
well my husband text more then me carrys his phone with him so I don't no whats up with that but any help would help me he hardy even gives me a lne lol
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to jeaniebrown's response:
I'd like to help but need more information. If you can share more about your situation, it would give us more to go on. Also, you might want to start a new discussion - one that focuses directly on your question and might catch the eye of others who can help.


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