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Boyfriend vs. Career
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emNChar posted:
I am currently in a three year relationship with a guy I love dearly. However, lately I have been constantly stressing over the future and how our lives will fit together long term. I am going to be graduating graduate school soon and fear that I may not find a job in the nearby area in which we live, since my study area is narrow and largly dependent on state and government funding. I would not mind moving anywhere to secure a job, but fear the boyfriend will not move for me. He has established his career/friends and family/home in our current location and is less willing to relocate. When we discuss it, he is more optimistic and says I will eventually find something within driving distance and also says we will make it through and he will help support me. I do not want to set around and settle for a job, when my dream job could be across the country. I have bills and student loans, and can't fathom settling for a job out of my education area for less pay to stay in my current town. Then again, I couldn't imagine letting go of the relationship we have. We are not engaged, so I also feel nothing is holding me back. I have worked hard for my education, and feel I deserve to have a great career. What do I do? Any advice would be awesome!
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fcl responded:
Always put yourself first. You have worked hard to obtain your qualifications and have very clear views of what your future should be - do not shortchange yourself. Do what you have to to get the career you want. Life is too short to let your dreams slip through your fingers ...

Why should you accept second (third, fourth, fifth ...) best for anyone else? I understand you care deeply for your boyfriend but this is not his life.

If I were you, I'd look for my dream job and be prepared to try a long distance relationship with him. Would he be prepared to do that? It would let you test the strength of your relationship.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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darlyn05 responded:
I agree with FCL. We hear all too often when a person in your position 'settles', in a manner of speaking, and they become miserable, resentful, the relationship turns abusive or ends, etc... Sounds like you have some time to think about this, so you need not make a decision immediately. Use more of your head vs your heart I suggest.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
I certainly understand your concerns. However, I also hear that your boyfriend is not making this an ultimatum, so I suggest you don't do that, either. If you want to try to find a way to make both work, then consider making that your goal.If you work with your boyfriend to overcome whatever obstacles might come your way (e.g. a job far from where he lives), you can see where that takes you. You don't know if you can do it, but you won't know until you try. Good luck!!
 
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Laps40 responded:
Go for it! Do what you think you need to do for your future. If he really loves you, he will understand and support your decisions. Best of luck!
 
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dfromspencer responded:
You are young, you think you are soooo in love with this guy, you finish school, learn to live with your lot in life right there with him, and in five years with two kids and one on the way, the mini van is breaking down, and so are you! But hey, hubby is happy, right? Right, he is, but you will be miserable!!!!

When you graduate, look very hard at what you just accomplished, then look at where you and the boyfriend are at that time, then make your final decision, and be prepared to stand by your decision!!! You still have some time, use it wisely! You are not married to, or even engaged to this guy, yet, make your decision before you do!

I wish you all the best!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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sluggo45692 responded:
18 years ago I had to make a simular choice. 1990 I got married while I was in the service. In 1995 I had to chose my career or my family. We were separated at the time of choice, due to marital problems. I could have divorced her and stayed in or we could try to work things out. I only had 6 years to retire on 1/2 pay. I chose family. She's now my ex-wife (she cheated), my step daughter hates me and her mother. The only good thing that came out of the marriage was our son. I now work in a field I didn't/don't want and will retire in 10years. I agree with dennis and FCL. Your not married, finish your studies, look at your relationship standing. If it's rocky now, It will be a nightmare later. Relationships are 50/50. Look at the partners point of view, but you have to decide your life. This is where you have to be selfish. Good Luck


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