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    31m married. difficulty having sex PLEASE HELP!
    An_253234 posted:
    I am a thirty one year old male who has been married for twelve years. I love my wife more than anything and we have both been faithful to each other, and we have a six year old son. I have never been a "dynamo in the sack" but I am a realistic person and haven't dwelled on this. I'm not sure what (of the following information) is relevant and/or irrelevant but want to give all of the information. About a year ago my wife and I joined a free "romance club" that I stumbled across. About 8 months ago we received a vibrator that she enjoys using and that I enjoy using on her. This helped to open a door and we have since become more sexually open. We have sinced explored anal sex and we both love it. A few months ago (2 or 3) there where a few incidents where i could not achieve an erection or lost it in the middle of intercourse. My doctor prescribed me with Viagra and it was helping. But the last few times I have needed the Viagra and even then It has taken great concentration on my end to even maintain an erection, this in turn has caused me to climax very quickly. I also lost my job about three weeks ago. I feel okay about the job loss though i am sure that has something to do with it, but can someone please tell me what I can do to fix this situation?
    Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
    You sound a bit conflicted. You say you are "okay about the job loss" but that you are also "sure that has something to do with it". Stress can certainly affect people's relationships and their sexual life. Often, by addressing the stress, these problems lessen. With this in mind, you might want to tell us more about the stress surrounding your job (and job loss) so we can help you with this, or you might want to talk it through with your wife or someone else close to you. I also wonder about your relationship with your wife and whether it has suffered from your stress.
    dfromspencer responded:
    That advice from Dr. Becker-Phelps is spot on!!! It sounds like you have more stress from losing that job than you think??? That is one of the most noted causes of erectile dysfunction in an otherwise healthy individual! Stress is a Bi U know what!!! Try thinking more about the pleasure of pleasuring your wife? Try some relaxation therapy prior to sexual activity?! Perhaps your wife could give you a sensual massage prior to engagement? Try to make it more about the love, and not so much about the climax!

    I hope this turns out well for the both of you! Just remember, stress is a killer, in more ways than one!!!

    bcampbell81 replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
    First off, thank you so much for the response. I am okay with the job loss as I am eligible for unemployment so my family will not have to go without and there is a pretty good chance that I will get called back to my previous job. My sexual problems began before I lost my job. I did have a somewhat stressful job in the aspect that I had my work phone and even while I was home and off work still had to keep up with emails, questions, etc. I also forgot to mention that I am a full time student and have been for the past three years so I don't get that much free time. Usually when my wife and I make love I have to go to my computer shortly there after to pick up on my school work. On top of this I have never really been the kind of person that was easily able to relax. Even when watching tv or a movie I am usually playing games or wasting time on my telephone. My wife and my relationship has suffered due to my stress levels but I have always been a "high strung" person and while she knows this and understands that it is just the way that I work, I know that she does get irritate with it at times. I have spoken to my wife about it and do communicate my issues with her somewhat regularly, but she fears that the problem is with her i.e. I am not attracted to her or bored with her (which I can assure you is not the case, my wife is beautiful and I feel the same about her as I did before we got married.) I really don't have anyone else that I am close to that I am comfort
    bcampbell81 replied to bcampbell81's response:
    (continued) comfort speaking to about this. I do have a dr's appointment tomorrow with my PCP and I am hoping that he will prescribe me Xanax which I have taken in the past ( it was the smallest dose available I believe .25mg.) I know that though the drug may help I still need to work on some things with myself.
    sluggo45692 responded:
    I'm a 50 year old man & I have some pointers. 1. A six year old will run you ragged and lower you time and energy for sexual activities. 2. Your job loss is going to affect you more than you think. We as men see a job as a manly thing and the loss of it can cause extra stress and feeling less of a man. 3. Viagra can have the reverse effect on erections. 4. Make your wife feel great. If you can't get an erection, Kiss her in the proper places and make her happy. In other word, oral sex. 5. Don't rush things. You've been to the doctor, you will get a job, and you will get your erections back. My ex-wife made me feel like a complete loser. I had the same problems sexually including the viagra. I fixed it. Beside getting rid of her (not suggesting this for you), I found my confidence and self esteem. I'm not 18 any more, but I get no complaints from my gf. Nor did I get any complaints from the women I dated after the ex and before my current perment gf. Unless you have a medical issue (you've been to the doctor), you should get your groove back. By the way, congrats on opening up your sex life with your wife. Good Luck
    Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to bcampbell81's response:
    Given that life tends to get more complicated and more stressful as you age (mostly related to increased responsibilities), this might be a good time for you to develop better coping skills. Learn stress management and how to generally function at a less level (perhaps learning to be 'medium strung' rather than 'high strung'). You might look to self-help materials or find a therapist to focus on this with you. Some 'skills' you might learn are: time management, prioritizing, developing a healthy lifestyle, and meditation.

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