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Need advice on dealing with a rough relationship...
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SimplyMe24 posted:
Me and my (ex?)boyfriend have been going out for almost 3 years now. We have definitely had more downs than up in the past year. I love him to death though. He is the most attractive guy I have ever dated, is in the military and I am so close to his family, which definitely does not help the situation (more so than my own family).

We definitely have trust issues because within the first 6 months of dating he went away with the marines and I found out he texted his ex saying she was "sexy" and wanted to be with her. That was our first breakup. We got back together. I went crazy and checked his phone records religiously that first year and found out he would talk to girls behind my back. That was our second breakup. We got back together. I definitely cheated on him after all of this just to feel loved and temporarily "wanted" because I felt he did not love me or was talking to other girls. He put passwords on all his things so I did not check his stuff anymore, nor did I want to. After this we broke up several more times for stupid things. I would get this rage and just say that I wanted to break up even though I didnt mean it and we would break up for 2 months and get back together. The 2 months we broke up was the longest. I cried every night and couldnt get out of bed. I cried to him to him on the phone and he didnt care.

Well, we got back together this past June, but broke up again recently because of my big mouth. I love him so much. I want to be with him. I do not know why I even said what I said. I stayed by his side when he hurt his leg and couldnt do anything. I sent him a present in the mail. I leave him cards to tell him how much I love him. I bought him more than I bought myself when I went on vacation with my family. And he tells me that "you treat me like s***. I am sick of it. You always put me down." I do not know why he would say these things. I am confused. I know enough should be enough. But how do you get over someone you love so much. I really cannot picture my life with anyone else but I feel like he hates me. And I know I broke up with him but I tried to tell him it was out of rage and now all I do is cry and be depressed. I really do not know what to do. I feel like a horrible person.
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1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on responded:
First things first, if you dont have trust, you dont have anything. Guy logic usually works in this fashion, if your going to accusing me of something, in this case cheating. A guy will more often then not, cheat. Because he knows your not going to stop badgering him over it. Also the fact that you get upset that he even talks to another woman? So when a guy is in a relationship with you, he is not allowed to have any female friends?

You say that you love him so much, but yet the only reason you gave was he was really attractive. If that is your only criteria, you need to reevaluate. I am not saying that you dont deserve an attractive guy, but if thats all your hangingo onto, you should probably let go. From what you mentioned, I would venture a guess that you in reality are more "in love" with his family, because they care about you. That's great an all, but if your (ex?)boyfriend doesnt feel the love or return it, its not really worth your time.

And going thru his phone, then getting mad that he put passwords on everything??? I dont blame him, we all need our own personal space. If in fact he is sleeping around behind your back, do you honestly think he is going to stop? He wont, he will continue to do it, to you and whom everelse he dates. He said he feels like you treat him like "sh*&", sending him cards and buying him things are nice, but not respecting his privacy and snooping around on what he is doing, is like treating him like a child.

So if a couple that has been married for 20 years can get divorced and start over, so can you. Your relationship has been on and off for 3 years and if he is in the military, he probably was station somewhere else or even deployed over seas. Your best bet is to move on, if he has caused you this much heartache in that short of time, just imagine if you spent the rest of your life together? He isnt going to change and you wont be able to fully trust him. So just end it now, deal with the heartbreak and start over in 6 months.

You have made it this far in life so it is fair to say that you are a strong individual, you will make it past this. Just keep your head up and you'll find the right guy who will treat you right and im pretty sure once you meet him, you will forget about your (ex?)boyfriend.

Best of luck!

IC
 
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timzticking responded:
Your level of happiness is more important than love. Love is not enough. Daily happiness means more. You need to focus on yourself for a while. Start a new hobby, join some groups, start a new workout program. Get on with "YOUR" life. Forget about him for awhile. Put some space between you and him/his family. Work on what makes you happy, your career anything. Make some new friends. Quit mopping around over him. Get a life! so to speak. Go out with new people, even if you have to make yourself and stop dwelling on him. Quit talking about the subject as well when you are out with others, get over the "nowhere" relationship. You are not happy without him, but you are not happy with him either. Move on.

I had to move on too.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to timzticking's response:
I have to agree with Timzticking -- "Your level of happiness is more important than love." Or, at least, more important than this relationship. And, it sounds like you may have some inner struggles that keep you from being able to have a happy, healthy relationship. Whether or not he eventually relents and agrees to get back together, you will probably need to address these before you can feel peaceful and happy inside, and with another person.

Some things to think about that can get you started in considering your struggles are: Do you have a pattern of similar problems with other relationships? What are the patterns you see? What are the feelings that seem to be triggered and seem to cause problems?

I don't know if you have this particular issue, but if you struggle with feeling inadequate or unlovable or fear being rejected, then you need to begin working on this. Too many people who feel this way sabotage their relationships because they can't believe that someone can really love them. They do this by picking someone who does not treat them well and/or by being insecure and sometimes jealous in relationships.

This brings me to another thought: Is it really wise to be in a relationship with him? Does he treat you well? Given what you said about him texting with his ex-girlfriend and talking with other women, I have to wonder about this. Being in love is not enough; you need to be treated in a loving, respectful way (and you need to treat him in a loving, respectful way).

Finally, while it is important to express anger in a relationship, it is equally important to do this in a respectful way. If you find that you do not do this, it's important to learn to.

I know I have shared a lot here. If any of it resonates, you might want to share your thoughts here so that the community can help.


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