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marriage roller coaster
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An_253462 posted:

Why at least in my marriage and same goes for a few of my good Male friends that talk to about it . My wife and I seem to go on a 1 week happy as heck streak then she gets cranky for a week then she is ok then up and down up and down. This process keeps repeating itself. Each good week I keep thinking this run will continue. It never dose and it gets sickening .We are both in our early 40's and I get sick of the silent treatment & sex withholding any time I say something she doesn't like capital punishment for every offense. What can a guy do ? I let stuff slide myself Its more fun being happy than focusing in on a negative event. Is this the beginning of menopause. I'm starting to think she is fooling around.
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rohvannyn responded:
Sorry you are having trouble. My gut instinct tells me she doesn't feel she's being truly heard, and she thinks witholding sex is the only way she has to make her feelings truly known. She may also have intermittent depression or something like that, or it may be a situational stress that comes and goes. Try letting her know you really care what she thinks, and really listen to her next time she's in a mood, and see if that helps. You may end up getting more and better sex as she feels nurtured and cared for.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
Maybe thinking about how long has this cycle of ups and downs been going on can provide you with some insight. However, an even better way of trying to figure out relationship problems than thinking about them is to talk with your wife about them.

Here is an approach that works for many people: Address the cycle you are noticing. Let her know that it makes you unhappy -- unhappy for yourself and to see her struggle so (if this is true). Let her know you are confused by it and ask her what she thinks is going on. Then listen. This last part can be the hardest. Many people become defensive and focus on trying to explain themselves even as they are asking for feedback. Instead, it is much better to listen hard, trying to understand what your wife is saying well enough that you can see the issues through her eyes (keep in mind that you don't need to agree - you only need to understand). Try to empathize with her. When you can do this, let her know that you really get it. Take time to explain this (a very important step that many people skip over). Then, finally, you can share your thoughts and feelings, encouraging her to empathize with you. Hopefully, from this beginning, you can talk through the problem.

You might find it helpful to think about the relationship you once had that made you happy and/or the relationship you would like to have with her. This can get you into a frame of mind of wanting to work toward making things better rather than remaining stuck in how bad it is now.

After doing this, you might want to let us know how it goes.We can be here to support and help you along the way.


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