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Clues You May Be Attracted to the Wrong Person
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD posted:
While it's important to know when you've found the right "catch," it's equally important that you know when to throw your "catch" back. With this in mind, here are some signs that you might need to think twice about the person:


Has no close friends


Fails to acknowledge mistakes or limitations


Is a poor communicator


Is not ready for a relationship


What signs have helped you to know that the person you were dating or were interested in was a "bad catch" after all?


If you would like to read more in detail about this topic in my The Art of Relationships blog, click here .




Dr. Becker-Phelps's discussions and her responses in those discussions are for general educational purposes only. If you need help for an emotional or behavioral problem, please seek the assistance of a psychologist or other qualified mental health professional.
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rohvannyn responded:
Interesting signs... in this case, it looks like I'm the one that's the bad catch. All that is true about me. It's an interesting situation to be in, that's for sure...
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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dfromspencer responded:
Wow, Dr. Leslie,

While I was reading this blog, I thought you were talking about me? Seriously! I have now, or once had most all of these problems! Thankfully, there are good people in this world that want to help others with their problems! people like you, Dr. Leslie!!! Without your help, I would still be struggling with these issues! That's saying something, right? I still think of myself as a work in progress, even at 54 years of age! Will I ever reach perfection? Highly doubtful, in my case!!!

Its true, I don't really have a very best friend like Joe around any more, but I do have close friends in other states that I don't think of as often as I should. There is one I have known almost since 1978? He and I are like brothers. He even wanted to share his wife with me, while mine was away working. I refused, of course! I couldn't have done it even if I wanted to, my E.D. prevented that. This is also around the time of my departure from my family. But I just wanted you to know I do have very close friends I forget about, at times. My short term memory is shot, and my long term memory is full of holes. So, now that I think on it, I don't fit the first one, not totally, anyway.

Yes, oh yes I failed to claim my mistakes, or admit to having limitations, I could do anything you know, I was a man!!! That is exactly how I felt about it! Of course there are times you just cannot deny your culpability in some wrong doings. There are times you will get caught red handed. Can you lie then? I have tried to, yes. I cannot do that any longer!!! I have seen the hurt lying can, and has caused!!! Honesty really is the best policy! And manning up to your short commings, is what having a partner to help you is all about!!! Lately, I have learned that women prefer you tell them you have a problem, so that they at least know about it, and can try and help you with it?! So, I no longer have a problem telling a lady I have certain limits, and that I am not perfect! And I hope they are not perfect, either!!! Who wants a perfect person? I can only imagine what that would be like?

Its true, I didn't really know how to express myself! I found it hard to talk to women. I was shy for a long time growing up, and a little as an adult. Now, I no longer fear women, I rejoice at being close to them! I don't care if she doesn't like me, or doesn't want me! There are others that do! Now that I understand that, it makes it so much easier to approach them! And approach them I do!!! I love to just say hi to them! I love the smiles I get from asking them how they are?! Women are wonderful! And respect fits in here also, I give them every respect I can!!! Women are soft and beautiful, they should be treated very gently!!!

I have lived alone for a very long time. It was my own doing. I did not feel ready for an intimate relationship. I never wanted to dump my problems on someone I wanted to love. That just wasn't something I was ready to do. Now, however, I feel that everyone comes with problems, especially if they have been divorced! I was, and I know the pain of being cheated on! I never wanted to trust women after that, but have come to realize that not all women are like that!!! Most women are like me, loyal to a fault!!! I realized that, and decided to live, and love again!!!

I owe so much of my progress to Dr. Leslie!!! And I cannot thank her enough!!! I could thank her a million times a day, and it could never be enough!!! Once again, thank you, Dr. Leslie! Thank you soooooo much!!!!

We can all reboot, we just have to ask for help!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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dfromspencer replied to rohvannyn's response:
I was there too, Roh! You can get out of that fix, just ask the doc. for help. Dr. Leslie gave me some keys that worked wonders on me! Maybe she has some keys for you???

Its worth a shot, right? Go for it!!! I will help you all I can!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to rohvannyn's response:
Roh- I'm a bit confused by your response. I have seen in your previous posts that you are very willing to look at your mistakes or limitations and that you want very much to be in your relationship and are willing to work at it. You say you are a poor communicator, but you share a lot here and do so articulately.

I'm not saying that you haven't shared things you need to work on, but you also don't seem to present yourself here as embodying all the signs of a bad catch. That said, you are certainly welcome to continue using this community to help you work through your struggles to be the better person and partner that you seem to want to be.

(Also, if you haven't don so already, you might want to read the whole blog - maybe it will clarify things.)
 
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1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on responded:
My problem is that I can see these signs, but its allowing myself to actually walk away and get my heart out of the equation. My other issue is setting boundaries, if they are a bad communicator, all i have to do is to let them know it bothers me. But i dont, i keep quiet and i try to communicate more, to see if they will get the point. With out telling them that i feel their communication is lacking, they just probably assume im some psycho(kidding). So does not setting that boundary, make me a bad communicator? In conversations i do just fine, im smart and i can pretty much talk intelligently on a vast array of subjects.

Recently, I was casually dating someone, if you want to call it that...i did post about this earlier, so if you read that, sorry . We both had agreed that we were both attracted to each other and we had fun on the date that we went on, we had fun and agreed to do it again. We run in the same social circle, so we saw each other on occasion. We both work goofy hours so getting together is not always easy. But eventually the conversations became very one sided, either i was initiating them...or she was only talking about herself. Dont get me wrong, buzzers and sirens where going off like crazy in my head. But yet because i was so physically attracted to her, i couldnt pull away. Although every fiber of my being told me so, along with my therapist. All I needed to hear was that she was no longer interested or that we should just remain friends and that would have been enough to severe the ties. Fortunately for me, i was able to run into her, while she was with her new b/f..so that was enough to get the point across.

I guess my point is this, we all have our flaws and short comings, but we need to be able to accept them as part of who we are. When we meet someone who is willing to accept them as well, you can begin to build a meaningful relationship. If we are always stepping on eggshells or afraid to speak up for ourselves, nothing is going to change. You should be able to speak your mind and if it hurts your partners feelings, GOOD! It shows that they love you enough to care and you can always make up afterwords.

IC
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to brokeinside's response:
brokeinside: I'm sorry you are feeling so broke inside that you think you are a 'bad catch' and "so far behind I think I might run over myself". But the good news is that in acknowledging your struggle, you can work on feeling better. Please feel free to share some of your struggles with this community so that we can support you in this.

Also, please know - even if you cannot fully take it in now- that everyone has value and worthy of love. You just need to learn that this applies to you, too. It might help to think of this as a search for hidden treasure (one that I promise is there for the finding).
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to 1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on's response:
IC- All good points. Thanks for sharing them and your experiences.

I want to point out that the signs I share for what to look out for as possible problems were not meant as definitive reasons not to get involved. Instead, they were meant as 'red flags' to be aware of. This is explained more in the full blog, which you can read by clicking on the link to it. If you think you are a bad communicator in relationships, for instance, it does not automatically mean you are a bad catch. It can be something you work on and that your partner supports you working on. However, if someone is a poor communicator and does not acknowledge this and is not ready for a relationship, then they might not be a good partner.
 
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rohvannyn replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
I may seem like I'm willing to look at my mistakes but I've learned that that's just a smokescreen protecting me from looking at my real issues. I work on the superficial stuff and refuse to really look at the sickness deep inside. That's what I mean. I also may communicate well here, but face to face I am losing my ability to speak well, my brain locks up so badly I can't even think. I used to be able to speak much better than I do. Sometimes things work fine and sometimes they don't. I do want to be a better partner, or at least I think I do, but I've caught myself not really working on the core issues, just working on the superficialities, and having a hard time even identifying the core issues.

All that said, I really buckled down and finally managed to have a decent weekend with no major fights. I can do this. It's just not going to be easy. Then again, nothing worthwhile is.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to rohvannyn's response:
Roh: Are you talking about these core issues in your therapy? If not, then you might want to make a commitment to do so. And, if you find yourself deflecting from those issues in sessions, you might want to point this out to your therapist in the moment (if you realize it then) or after the fact. Similarly, I'm sure the community here would be open to you sharing more of your 'core' struggles. We can support you in understanding yourself, offering yourself self-compassion, and challenging you to face your inner demons.

I'm also glad to hear that you "buckled down and finally managed to have a decent weekend..." I hope you appreciate the effort you gave and the results - hopefully these will help motivate you to keep trying. Remember, moving in a positive direction always happens one step at a time.
 
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dfromspencer replied to rohvannyn's response:
Yes Roh, you can do this!!! I have complete faith in you! And so does Dr. Becker-Phelps! Its like she says, you have to tell your counselor the moment you realize you are deflecting. Even if you don't realize you have, until you get home, make a note and tell him next time you see him! I honestly believe you can do this, and you will!!!

If I can help in any way, I will be here!!!

Take care!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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rohvannyn replied to dfromspencer's response:
Thanks to you both. Fortunately, my dear spouse recognized my efforts last weekend and we thanked each other for them because it was actually a mutual effort. It's very nice to know I don't have to fight all the time, so I'm making sure that I focus on the fact that I finally had some success. The problem isn't fixed in me but I can see hope now.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to rohvannyn's response:
I'm so glad you are seeing success and taking the time to take that in. Keep up the good work!
 
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1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
Dr LBP,

I agree that not all "red flags" are deal breakers and some of them are. In the past I did not notice some red flags until it was too late, but what that has lead to now is me having a tendency to overanalyze the situation. Which, if you know me, thats never a good thing Mainly because what ever the issue might be, i always find a way to assign the blame on myself, which i know is completely unfair.

I might not have explained myself well enough earlier, in regards to her being a bad communicator. The issue was communication entirely, I was the one who was always reaching out to her. When we were/are around each other, we didn't have any issues communicating. It was when we were apart, so not returning a phone call or a text message. That was the red flag that she was no longer interested in me. I had the feeling she was not, but I couldn't get my heart/mind out of the equation. I kept making excuses as to why she wasnt talking to me.

Then a couple weeks ago, I got the closure that i needed, i saw her out with her new b/f. Talk about awkward, it was a brief hello, followed by a minor attempt at banter. The usual, how have you been etc. Nothing but one word answers and she didnt even introduce me to her b/f...she introduced him to her other friends. I really didn't care, but I was hurt over the situation.

Thanks for your input, as always!

IC


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