Need answers
avatar
tmlmtlrl posted:
Is it ever alright to call a 5 y/o sexy? Like "is she sexy or what"? Or "wow she's sexy"? Is there any circumstance that anyone else would be understanding of that? Can you just blow it off as no big deal? How would you handle hearing someone say that? Would it even faze you? Would you think twice? Would you be concerned? Please, any kind of feedback would be greatly appreciated right now. Thank you
Reply
 
avatar
tmlmtlrl responded:
Also, what if it was a family member? Your husband or dad or grandfather??
 
avatar
rohvannyn responded:
Honestly? If it were me, I'd be pretty outraged. The person in question may have been joking, and may not have meant anything by it, but that's still unacceptable! There are things that shouldn't be joked about, and sexualizing a five year old is not one of them.

Here's how I would handle it: I'd calmly ask the person what they meant by the comment. Once they told me, I would say basically "I found that very offensive, because it's wrong to call a five year old 'sexy. I would appreciate it if you didn't do that again." Then I would watch the person very carefully, because their next reaction would determine whether that five year old spent any time alone with them in the future.

Hopefully it was just a tasteless joke, but you were right to be worried.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
avatar
darlyn05 responded:
Sirens and red flags would be going off in my mind if I heard that. Many a child sexual assaults/abuse happen within a family structure or someone close to that. As Rohvannyn mentioned, if it were me, I would've commented to the person maybe first ask why they think that or thought of that. I'd pay close attention to their answer, then I'd back it up with the remainder of what Rohvannyn mentioned. Maybe not as politely as Rohvannyn put it depending on this persons answer and reaction to my first question. And a predator knows how to cover up or hide from being found out, so I definately would keep both eyes open in the future.

I may have seen plenty of 5,6, 7 and up yr olds sort of flaunting their sexuality in a too adult fashion, but it's usually viewed by others as they don't know any better as they don't get the whole gist of it, or it's a flag of some needed guidance concerning it depending on the child in general, like were they more or less 'play acting' or is this more into their character or need for approval and to be liked.

Either way, poor taste and unacceptable.
 
avatar
tmlmtlrl responded:
Thank you for your responses. He got angry and said he didn't mean it like that.

What do I do with that?
 
avatar
rohvannyn replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
Tough call. Though, it seems to me that getting angry on his part is inappropriate given that he is the one that made a mistake, but that doesn't really mean he did anything wrong. At this point I'd probably say nothing more, but carefully watch this man when he was around children. Not to distrust him, really, but just to make sure the comment was an isolated incident. Perhaps he really did mean nothing by it, some people just speak before thinking, but it's something to be aware of. I wouldn't want to see an innocent person accused, but at the same time it's important to trust your instincts.

If I had someone get angry at me for bringing this up, I think the best thing to say would have been soemthing like "well, that's a relief. I'm glad you didn't mean anything by it, but that comment really disturbed me." It's too late now because you are out of the situation, but that's the direction I would have taken it, most likely. Your mileage may vary....
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
avatar
tmlmtlrl replied to rohvannyn's response:
Thank you Roh.

So yeah, that's the general plan. Move on but keep an eye out. The little girl doesn't live anywhere near him. First time it was when she was 1 y/o. He said "wow she's sexy". Now in response to a text message picture he said "is that sexy or what".

I went to my mother with concern with the matter (it's her husband). I let her know we were just concerned. There were no accusations! Really it took a lot to even have that conversation. There was a lot of thought put into what he could've meant by it and should I bring it up at all.

My problem now -- I'm being wrote off and not spoken to anymore for insinuating that he's a pervert.. That wasn't my intention and I didn't feel as if that's what I did either.

I mean it is what it is. I told her I wasn't looking to hurt her or her relationship.

I'm angry how they are responding. And it makes everything seem worse how angry he is.

It pisses me off that I'm being wrote off for bringing up a legitimate concern for her grandchild. She's ok with dismissing me and my family, her daughter and grandchildren because I came to her as an adult and had a heartfelt conversation about that concern.

I don't know what else to say. I'm angry. I'm sure it'll all blow up with us at some point. They can't just disappear forever.
 
avatar
rohvannyn replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
Sorry to hear they are responding like this! And he said this when she was a year old? I still think you did the right thing, and took all appropriate considerations for their feelings.

I must say I am wondering... he's making perverted statements about a sweet, innoccent litle girl. How is it that you are the "bad guy" for asking why? Defensiveness seems odd to me. It's certain that this isn't the only problem, if she's being like that about this particular issue.

If he's made comments like that for this long, I'd say you have a right to be worried. I don't care about his reasons at this point, I just think it's socially unacceptable.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
avatar
An_252334 replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
Sorry your family doesn't see things the way you do. I'm a prison corrections officer. In ohio, we just executed a 50 year old man for raping and killing a 18 month old this year. You have every right to be worried about comments like these. You stated your feelings to your mother and she wrote you off. Look on the internet in ohio news and print off the story. Then show her. It doesn't matter if you liked her husband or not when she got married. What matters is his actions and comments.

I'm surrounded by a bunch of men who were just grandpa or uncle or father to some children. They are now rapists, child molesters and nightmares to there victims and society. We as parents must protect our children. We can not let our guard down. EVEN if it offends the people we care about.

I'm not saying he is or isn't going to hurt children, but he should respect your feeling and concerns. Sorry if it hurts "his" feelings, but you have stated what you think is not approirate and he should repect that. His feelings are of no concern at this point. Your protecting your child. If mom can't see this then it's her loss.
 
avatar
tmlmtlrl replied to An_252334's response:
Dr. Leslie, do you have any thoughts or suggestions on any of this? I'd really appreciate hearing from you.

Also, thank you very much Roh and anon for your responses. They have been helpful.

I really tried hard to think of any other way he could have meant it before I went to my mom. I think I tried more than he deserved. I just don't get how that word applies to a child. Even those little Tots n Tiaras or whatever that show is where the little girls are dressed like women with a bunch of make-up. "Sexy" is not a word that comes to my mind when I see them.

Those are the only 2X. Once, in person, @ 1 y/o. Then now via text @ 5 y/o. But like I said, they live far away so he hasn't been around her and the opportunity to make comments (at least comments we know about) aren't common.

It does help to talk about it here for now. I was on the verge of telling my mom off a couple days ago. Still could happen but I think it would be more constructive now.

Thanks again
 
avatar
fcl responded:
I find myself wondering if "sexy" could be one of those words he uses all the time? Does he? Does he use it to describe other things? Could he be using it just to mean "cute"? Could it be his all-purpose "positive meaning word"? It could just be a habit ...

Even if this is the case, you should point it out that there are time when it is really NOT appropriate.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
avatar
tmlmtlrl replied to fcl's response:
They've been married 14 years and I can't remember once hearing him say the word "sexy"

It would've been nice if that was the case and my mom was able to just tell me that..

And it has been explained to him that it's not appropriate or acceptable.

Thank you for trying to come up with something. I tried to consider maybe it was his upbringing. It doesn't really fit though. And now his reaction to it all just reaffirms our initial gut feelings.
 
avatar
dfromspencer replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
Never ever leave this, or any other child alone with this man, he is dangerous!!!

THAT is NOT a word to use to describe a child, no matter what they are wearing!!!

At no time do you leave him alone with children!

Your mother is wrong for treating you and your family this way!!! You came to her with an honest concern, and this is how she reacts? She KNOWS something!!! She has seen this man do, or act in some wrong fashion with a child, and he has her fooled/cowed, who knows?!!!

You are right, do not feel bad for how another reacted! Guard your children, keep them close always!!!!!!!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!