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    At a loss on what to do
    An_253763 posted:
    Feeling so helpless right now. My wife of 28 years (known her more than 32) left me a few months ago. Life for the past few years has been so so. Although I tried to improve out relationship, she pulled further and further away. Only wanting her space. Demanded I move out of the bedroom. Even with that I still kept trying (not cornering her or continually pushing) We had gone to therapy a few years back and I continue to see the Therapist every few weeks or so. Some days were better and we could sit together and go to events, some were horrific where I would be met with a glare and faced with a locked door to the bedroom. Over the summer things went on a downward slide. She traded in a car (forged my signature) and bought a newer car although we had discussed and agreed to wait until my Daughters wedding next January and my son's graduation in December. Kids are 24 and 22. Things came to head on July 3 where we were preparing for out family's annual 4th of July bash at the beach. She was drinking and tried to leave crashing her new car into a stump in the side yard. Eventually got out but snuck away driving on a flat tire and unknown damage. States she was afraid of me. I have not laid a finger on her in all the years of knowing her. After looking into her internet history (trying to gather any information not stalking) I found she had already placed a deposit on an apartment in June. Had cleared out most of our joint investment accounts. Even looked up how to certify our dog as a service animal since the apartment doesn't allow dogs over 35 pounds. It seems every day was another surprise. Left me with the house bills, tuition for son, her cell phone bill (although she got a new phone but still under contract with my plan). I'm managing but it is so difficult to deal with. She won't talk to me. Only am allowed to communicate with her via email. Her answers are so sterile and short. They say the only thing worse than hate is indifference. Never connected that word with such negativity until I have experienced it. Do not think it's another person in her life. Actually don't know what it is and that may be the inherent issue. No information whatsoever. Am at a loss on what to do. Like trying to put together a 1000 piece puzzle with out the box top. I do love this woman. And yes our realtionship hasn't been a Cinderella story but miss her terribly. Pretty good support ffro my family and friends have helped me cope but it is still hard. Wish I could get answers but know I can't until the time she wishes to communicate. She only wants to go through mediation right now at a substantial cost that I can't afford with carrying everything else. Feel so helpless and hurt. Any guidancce would be appreciated
    rohvannyn responded:
    My heart goes out to you. From what you say, it really sounds like it is some problem with her- some dissatisfaction with her own life, some problem she can't figure out how to solve. Bad life coping skills, depression, anxiety, it could be anything. It may or may not be biochemical though that's a definite possibility.

    It sounds like she thinks she is afraid of you, hence all the sneaking around, but if I would guess (and I could be wrong, I only have minimal information) I would say that she's really afraid of something inside herself. She thinks she will be happy away from you, but she's put so much time into the relationship she snuck around first, as if that would make parting easier.

    You can't fix her. You already know that. You love her, but that won't fix her either. The only one who can fix her, is her. She has to be willing to look honestly at herself and figure out where the problems really are. It is going to hurt a lot but my gut tells me you need to find a way to live your own life, for yourself. If she returns to you after figuring out her own problems, great, but she may just feel trapped (probably because of those same problems) and just want out and never look back.

    Keep hold of your support network, and that therapist too. I wish she would have treated you better.

    'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
    dfromspencer responded:
    Wow, what do you say to a guy that has had as much happen to him as you have??? I don't really know what to say, except try and live your own life to the fullest. Even tho she ran off with all of your joint assets, (shame on her for that!!!) You can if you really wanted to, go after her with a lawyer?! I think you should?!!! What she has done is criminal. She has literally stolen your life's savings! I hate it when women treat their guy this way, mine did it to me, also! I had saved thousands of dollars, only to have her take them out of our joint account, and put them in a single one for her only!!! She got away with it, because she claimed I mistreated her, and in Colo. Spgs., Co. the woman is always right!

    You may not like it, but she is gone! For whatever reason, she is still gone, and you need to move on! No longer worry about what she does, do for yourself! Go out on dates, you may find another woman to love, and care for??? One that cares for you, also. Give her up, she is the one that left! Not you.

    Concentrate on your kids, they still need their father! As for your wife, send her a good luck message, and tell her you are going to find a new life! Then say goodbye. Move on, that is what you must concentrate on. You have an excellent support group, use them! Get on with your life, you are still young!!!

    Best of luck to you!!!

    fcl replied to rohvannyn's response:
    What does your lawyer say?

    Your wife checked out of your marriage some time ago. The reason she wants to go through mediation is that it buys her time. She has some unfinished project that she needs time for (a little like her appartment). Until you serve her divorce papers she can do what she likes with the family funds. Once served, she cannot. Please protect your own interests and do not let her clean you out completely.
    There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
    Deldolfan replied to rohvannyn's response:
    Thanks for the reply Roh. I run a construction company so always want to fix things but have come the realization as you say I can't fix her. She is a very private person, doesn't admit she is wrong, doesn't share her feelings with others, is very organized and is a great planner. I'm the opposite in many ways. Therapist feels she is headed toward a major breakdown and I even through all the madness want no harm to come to her. Lost my parents over the last 10 years and that was hard but this is harder since there are no real answers. Not ready to give up and maybe that's adding to the strife. They say time heals all wounds. I sure hope so. What I don't understand is that all her friends know me well. I have not reached out to them so not to add more fuel to things. Why won't she just communicate? Even about pertinent things like the kids and bills. Remove all emotion and deal with just the facts. She wouldn't treat a total stranger this way. Just get orders and very sterile short messages when she sees fit to do so. Have told her I have let her go to find her happiness and comfort. That I still and always will love her and care about her well being, and that I am here for her if she needs me. Just wish the madness would stop.
    rohvannyn replied to Deldolfan's response:
    I can see echoes of what she is doing in myself, unfortunately. I've done things very similar in the past except that I've begun to recognize this and am working to get better.

    The important thing to remember, in my opinion, is she is most likely not using logic in any of this, it sounds like she is operating from pure emotion. She probably would treat a stranger better than you at this point, because some part of her is hurting at a very deep level and she is probably at the point where she can't even admit to herself there is a problem. What a frustrating situation!

    I sincerely hope that she comes to her senses. In the meantime, I wish you peace.

    'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
    sluggo45692 replied to Deldolfan's response:
    I'm sorry your hurt and feel your pain. I went through this a couple of years ago. Your hurt and confused. The most important thing you can do is protect yourself. This sounds crule, but you still have to live after she's divorced from you. Any joint accounts, take your name off of them immediately. File in the court for any bills incurded after a specific date can not be accounted to you. My ex got 1/2 of my retirement to a specfic date. You are going to pay alot, because every thing you have is 1/2 hers.
    I know you loved and still love her. Don't be a victim to it. You will really hate yourself later. If she doesn't want to talk to you, make sure when she does it recorded or witnessed.
    If she starts with "she afraid of you" and you haven't done anything to deserve it. PROTECT yourself. If you have done things to deserve it, you should pay. My opinion is spouse beaters need to be displayed in public and whipped. I don't know you and I hope you don't take this the wrong way. My ex tried that with her lawyer on me. After her lawyer interviewed my children, she knew my ex was lying and told her to drop the subject. (kids told me)
    With the courts today, the best you can do is hope for the best and expect the worst. At least your kids are grown. Good Luck
    dfromspencer replied to Deldolfan's response:
    I had to come back and say: I hope you take most of this advice, especially Sluggo's!!! It is imperative you place all of your assets in a separate account, and start recording your conversations, and e-mails. I know it sucks, but you have to protect yourself, and your family!!! I hope you have a lawyer for yourself. If not, GET ONE IMMEDIATELY!!!

    She said she is afraid of you, but you have no idea as to why she said that? It may be like Sluggo said? She may try and pin some crap on you, and you do not want to be known as an abuser! Take all nessessary precautions!!!

    I know you still love her, and want to keep the communication lines open, but that too, may be used against you, somehow? I hate to say this, but you need to stop all conversation with her. You may accidently say something that could be misinterpreted, and get yourself into trouble! Breakups are messy, my friend! I have been through several, I know!!! And the messiest ones are the married one's!

    Keep the channel open, but do not initiate the conversations, let her! She doesn't want to be around you for some reason, so you have to let her come to you! Whatever it is she is going through, YOU have to let her work it out!!!

    In the mean time, GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE!!! Go out on dates! Did you guys have a mutual friend that was hot and single? Go ask her out! Do NOT sit and WAIT for your wife to come around, she may never!!! Do what is best for you, move on and have fun doing it!!! Get back out there, it may be hard at first, but it gets easier with time, trust me!!!

    Dude, I wish you the best of luck!!!

    dfromspencer replied to sluggo45692's response:
    Sluggo, I am with you on the spouse abuser!!! Anyone that can hit a beautiful woman, and try and mar that beauty, needs to be publicly beaten himself!!!

    I had a brother in law like that. And one time I moved back home, I stayed with them. One time I heard them arguing in the living room, while I was getting ready to go on a date, and I was in the kitchen. I heard this commotion, and then a body hit the floor. I ran into the living room, and saw my little sister getting up. She had a broken nose, I could see that. I charged at my B.I.L. and my sister jumped in between us. She knew I was going to kill that basturd, and she was right!!! He went backward so fast, his ass hit the recliner, and it went over. He knew, he knew I was gonna hurt him bad, he said he could see it in my eye's. I told him good, cause next time, nothing was going to stop me!!! He did it again, and again, and again, till finally our father came along to help talk some sense In her. She finally divorced his stupid abusive azz!

    And now, she is with another abusive ahole. She draws them like flies. I just don't get that? She doesn't seem to mind, not much, anyway? I feel sorry for her, but I am done trying to protect her when she just goes right back to the abuser!

    My little sister was adopted when she was a tiny baby. She has Hawaiian blood in her, and she was so beautiful!!! She grew up beautiful, and now, she is not beautiful!!! She has been hit soooo many times, she looks more like a prize fighter. Its sad, really, all I want to do is cry!!!

    Maybe abusers should have their hands cut off? Naw, they would just use their elbows, or feet!! You can't cure an abuser, can you?

    Good luck, Sluggo!!!

    rohvannyn replied to dfromspencer's response:
    "If she starts with "she afraid of you" and you haven't done anything to deserve it. PROTECT yourself. "

    Very sad but very, very true. If there is any chance at all that she may be trying to manipulate things, cover your butt! I have had a couple of friends whose lives were ruined because of lies from an ex. Neither were abusive. But it comes down to who accuses first with heavy preference on the woman. Men are often labeled as lying abusers, even when they are not, and they are often assumed to be such EVEN WHEN THE EX-WIFE ISN'T SAYING THEY ARE.

    I agree that abusers shouldn't be tolerated, and flogging sounds great, but I have two cautionary tales for you.

    A friend of mine had PTSD. Had a loving relationship with his wife. One night he had too much alcohol and somebody called the cops. He had apparently beein violent ONCE, and his wife actually forgave him for it because there had been a reason. He didn't hit her or anything. But once the police got involved, he had the book thrown at him, and was forced into a divorce. He was given five years in prison because he was automatically the bad guy. He's openly admitted he did a couple dumb things, but was it worth five years in prison? And his wife forced to get a restraining order and divorce that she never asked for in the first place?

    Another very dear friend of mine had been beaten by his wife for ten years. He also had a home business. He was a stay at home dad and didn't want to abandon his children. One day he snapped and stopped his wife from hitting him again. Once, after ten years. She wasn't even really hurt! Meanwhile he'd had to hide his bruises for years. The police were called. She put on a sob story which they believed, even though she was being really irrational. Now in this case she really did hate him. She got a restraining order too. So he ended up with a jail stay, loss of all his posessions, child support, no custody or visitation, a bad reputation, and no job because of a felony conviction.

    Know what's the kicker? They got him on "deadbeat dad" laws. When he lost his job, he couldn't pay his child support. So they took away his business license, his driver's license, his fishing license for heavens sake, and any means to pay back the child support! How's that for fair?

    Anyway, I am telling you about this this to let you know that even if you wife isn't meaning you harm, you could still get in a lot of hot water. So whatever you do, be careful.

    'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
    sluggo45692 replied to rohvannyn's response:
    Dennis & Roh have posted some of the problems with divorce. I hope I didn't sound to negative, but a divorce can rip you world apart. Like we have all said, PROTECT yourself.

    Some more advise, Don't use the kids as go betweens and don't try to take sides. This is between you and your wife. Tell them everything going on and tell them you don't want them involved if they don't have to be.

    Some states have court appointed mediations. See if your LAWYER can get that. All cost for any divorce matters are to be split 50/50, except lawyers. Work out a deal before you see a judge.

    You were married to her for over 28 years. She knows all your secrets and may use them against you. DON'T be afraid to use her's if she does this. That is what mediations is for. A controlled discussion. Don't turn it into an argument session.

    Until it's signed by a judge, any private agreements or mediation agreements means nothing. The ex and I had everything all straightened out until she lost the house she was living in(I paid in full for). Always be above board and don't lie about anything. It will bite you. My ex told the courts she was living in a homeless shelter. My son told the judge that they had been thrown out, because of her stealing. She didn't tell her lawyer anything. I have my son now and no spousal support.

    Good Luck
    fcl responded:
    Just to add a detail. Only communicating via email is not a bad thing. It gives you documentation of everything that is said. Save it all. You never know when you might need it. Above all, if she tries to goad you in any way DO NOT ENGAGE. Remind yourself that everything that is said could be used later, take a deep breath and be the bigger person.
    There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
    Deldolfan replied to fcl's response:
    Thanks for all your thoughts. That's one of the inherent problems. Not knowing and not knowing what she is going to do next. I have never laid a finger on her. My Mother taught me well. I think it's an internal struggle while she is trying to make sense of things. Doing her best to eliminate any thoughts of me so she can find her peace or what she thinks she needs to do. Her actions are very self serving. I don't think she is doing it to make me upset but that thought does come through my mind. The one comment on my kids. I would never suggest they choose sides. In fact the opposite. Try to keep them out of things but they are involved even so. I have told them no matter what happens she will always be their Mother. Can't change that. Also told them that if one of us is acting inappropriate they have to talk to that party without involving the other. My daughter was highly upset after my son had called her telling her that he was upset that their Mom wanted him to take things out of the house and bring them to her new place. Gave her the business. Next note from their Mom to me was how I was putting a wedge between us and the kids. Certainly not the case. If she wanted the stuff she should have made other arrangements and not involved our son. Just one of many many examples how her not understanding the effects of her actions. I have tried to put it all in a box and focus on my business and protecting what is left. Doing okay but it's hard. Still miss her terribly. So many memories and experiences. I read a quote from Dr Suess shared by one of the writers of Breaking Bad. He stated Don't be sad it's over, smile because it happened. So just being and trying to survive.
    dfromspencer replied to Deldolfan's response:
    Hi again,

    I hear you! Just keep on doing like you are, and soon enough, you will feel more like moving on! Right now, you are still caught up in the love you have for your wife. It will get easier as time goes by! You will have to let her go first, and truly mean it, before you can. Once you get to that step, it will all be downhill from there! And yes, you will find love again!

    Keep your concentration on your kids and yourself, and the business, of course!!! That will help to sustain you while you get through the grief you feel, and heal your heart. Be glad that you had all those wonderful years with her, rejoice in the memories! Then slowly close the book on her chapter, and continue on with yours.

    It is a shame she had to involve your children in all of this! THAT, should never be done! It has though, and now your son feels hurt by it. Explain things to him, hopefully he will understand, and get past it?

    We are all here for you, and we all hope you will come back here for anything you need/want!!! We are all pulling for you, we know you can win this battle! We are here to help!!!

    I wish you all the luck!!!

    dfromspencer replied to rohvannyn's response:
    Hi Roh,

    Life sure can be messy, can't it? What you say is so right! Protect yourself always!!!

    Excellent stories, thanks Roh!!!

    Take care!


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