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    marital issues...
    An_249635 posted:
    Hi. Let me start this by saying I love my husband, but I also am very frustrated with him. I am a stepmother of 2, 2 year olds with different mothers, and now have my first on the way. I have had issues with the mothers, how he deals with them and doesnt seem to care what my feelings are on the matter. they dont even clip their nails so i do every week, and they rarely cut their hair - people look at me when we have them and they look like a mess.. but im not allowed to cut their hair because the mothers will get upset and blah... and everything i do as far as disipline gets a comment of im too hard on them and i wont do that with mine, i know they arent mine, why does he feel the need to keep telling me?! i thought he wanted me to be a part of his life/family...

    also when we have them ... which is every week for our days off .. its nice we have them all the time but for me it was a huge change no kids to no time to myself, and forget me going anywhere.. if i want to go to a friends a fight ensues, over some random thing. its aggrivating, and maybe it would be different but we work together same shift, same days off, same everything and i never get my alone time unless i take a nap, which hardley counts since im sleeping!

    he doesnt do anything he used to. sex has completely diminished since i became pregnant (first trimester because i didnt feel up to it) but now he will if i basically throw myself at him, but he doesnt help me climax and he typically doesnt either. it makes me feel unattractive and worthless ... am i that repulsive to him?! i feel like my body is being destroyed and riped apart and now he wont touch me...should i not have agreed to have a child with him? would it have made any difference?

    i just feel lonely. when were home hes playing games and sometimes havent noticed when i would sit there in my underwear waiting for him to stop playing .. i just end up waiting and waiting and then saying forget it before i put sweats on. theres so much more, but im tired of typing and if i could get any input on any of this it would help.

    o i should mention, were in our first year of marriage and he wont go to cousleing.
    sluggo45692 responded:
    Some fatherly advise from an 50 yr old dad.
    The difference between a father and a dad is: Fathers are the sperm donor, dad's are the one's who stay around and raise the child. Sounds like your husband has only played the "Father" of these children. Yea, he has you baby sit them for him, but doesn't want to raise them.
    Treat them like a baby sitter. Advise the mothers and this father of these 2 children what your expecting them to arrive like. Give them a set of rules that the children will adhere to and if they don't like tough. It's your house and your family. Make sure you have time off from them. Your not being paid to raise them and hubby needs to support his WIFE. not his baby mama's.
    Congrats on your pregnancy, but sorry he's being a heel. Advise the father that he has husbandly duties and that he needs to take them seriously. This is raising "his" child and being a good husband. Just having a job isn't enough.
    By the way, He's an idiot. The sexiest thing in the world is a pregnant woman. (my opinion) You need constant care and nurturing. Your breast and tummy swell and needs baby oil to stop strech marks. That should lead to other things. It's a wonderful time in a woman's life and he should be a total part in it. My ex wife didn't want the sex when she was pregnant, but loved the body rubs and oilings. When we did have sex it was careful sex. Couldn't touch breast or other parts of her body.
    It's your house as well as his, make it your home. First year is the hardest. He's now not just a father (sperm donor) but a husband and should be a dad. Time for games are over here's life. Good Luck
    Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
    It's clear that this relationship is not meeting your needs by a long shot. For most couples, the best way to work on the problems in their relationship is to talk about them. I sense that this is not so easy with your husband. If he is not responsive to your direct communication, I suggest that you consider individual therapy to figure out the best way handle this situation (since he refuses couple therapy).
    dfromspencer responded:
    More fatherly advice from a 54 year old daddy!

    Yes I said daddy! Both of my adult kids still call me daddy. Why? Because I spent all of my time on them. I had games (Atari) when my wife got pregnant. But, like Sluggo says, a pregnant woman is the most beautiful thing on this planet!!! That/this should be the most important thing on both of your minds! His lack of attention says volumes! His way of treating his children, says volumes! I hate to tell you this, but you married an "manchild"! He may appear to be a man, but he fails to be an adult, and act accordingly!!! Again like Sluggo says, just having a job does not mean he is being a husband, or a father! He is so selfish! He has his cake, and gets to eat it with ice cream! Stop being his enabler! Make him take responsibility for his self, and his duties as a father and husband!!! These are not your children, they are his! Sure, you want to make a life with him, and share his first children, but they are still his!

    Sorry for the run on sentences, and paragraph, but this kind of thing should not happen at this stage of the game! He needs to stop playing video games, and start playing father/husband!!! Anything less, should be a capital offense!!! Read him the riot act! Fail in your responsibilities, and fail in your marriage! Tell him to grow up! Tell him to take responsibility as a husband and father! Tell him NO MORE VIDEO GAMES!!! Tell him he has to communicate with you, not ignore you!


    I wish you boat loads of luck, you are going to need it!!!

    rohvannyn replied to dfromspencer's response:
    You love your husband, and hopefully he loves you. I sincerely hope he figures out that he needs to grow up a little in order to be a better husband. He needs to realize that he's lucky to be married, lucky to have found someone, and lucky to have the resources to even start a family. He probably has no idea how many people would give major body parts to have that. If you can find some way to gently remind him of this in such a way that he will listen, it may help.

    I wonder if he is depressed or fearful for the future? Is he afraid that you will just become another ex and is drawing back because of that? Is he afraid of giving full commitment, and so is distancing himself? Or did he just never learn how to be in a real relationship? Counseling, or a wise friend, could help with that.

    My best to you, your husband, and your little one to come.

    'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
    An_249635 responded:

    Still no change. Ive had 2 conversations in which i was crying the entire time, but i did my best to remain calm. i did my best to explain how stressful and overwhelming everything is with the pregnancy and dealing with his ex's. i tried to get him to understand. i tried to explain he needs to put his phone down and spend time with me, but to no avail. hes still on his phone the entire time before and after work. and when we have his children, while im preparing meals, cleaning, and telling him hey your kid needs a diaper change again.... since he failed to notice.. again... and again. im just at my wits end. being blunt and direct about it does no good. trying to discuss it does no good. and ignoring it just makes me a miserable old hag!!!! theres no division of work 50/50 in our house. he wants this and that, but once he gets it he doesnt do anything with it. there are 3 things sitting around that he had to have because of whatever reason he gave, and has yet to use it!!! and continues to ask for things?! financially everything is a mess. emotionally its a mess. how long should i keep trying if hes not going to? all this is just hurting me so much and i dont know what to do. how do i snap him out of this?
    Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to An_249635's response:
    This is such a painful situation! It sounds like you have tried everything you can think of to get him to understand; and he has not responded. It may be that you cannot snap him out of it. And so, it may be that you have to consider what your next move is with him being who he is. Many people in situations like yours find that they need to move on, which may or may not be the right solution for you. Again, I suggest individual therapy to help you. If you don't have the money, you can find a place that offers professional help on a sliding scale.
    rohvannyn replied to An_249635's response:
    How can he continue to ask for things when he continues to give you nothing? If you were his mother, you could say "no way, buster, you aren't going to get any new toys till you play with the ones you have." But you aren't his mother. You're his wife. Maybe just try saying "no" next time he wants something new. Or "we can't right now, do you want to look at the finances with me?" Good luck to you.

    'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
    dfromspencer replied to An_249635's response:
    I'm sorry I saw this so late! About the only choice he has left you, is to walk out and stay out, till he changes his ways! You alone cannot change him, he has to want to change, and appearently, he doesn't!

    Leave, just flat out leave! Go stay with a friend, or family member. Let him come to you, then you may have his attention? At that time, you tell him how to win you back. Give him no excuses! Not a one, if he fails, you stay gone! In other words, make him be a man, and a husband, and father! Make him grow up!!!

    Hope that helps?!

    sluggo45692 replied to An_249635's response:
    I have to agree with Dennis.

    If you have the means, get out for a while. If you don't have the means, check out the women's shelters. This is abuse. You signed up for being a couple, not his next baby's mama. He's sounding more and more like a sperm donor instead of a dad and husband. "I'll get mine and the hell with the responsibilites." is a very bad attitude for married man to be have
    You have tried and tried, maybe if he has to wash his own clothes, cook his own food, and clean up his children he might respect you a lot more. If he doesn't you found out now early in the marriage and decide what you want to live with. We all understand your in a difficult spot, newly married, pregnant, young, but you have options. Go to you local woman's center or even your local church. They can help, even if it's telling you where to go for what you need. If it's counceling, a place to stay, or just someone different to talk to.

    We are not telling you abandon your husband, your marriage or your life. We are trying to give you some advise to wake up your husband or give you options. Try to make some large positive changes that may wake your husband up.
    The one person who needs you to be strong is you and your baby. It will get better if you have faith and determination to take it to that better place. Good Luck
    An_249635 responded:
    another update.

    same crap another day. i looked into filing for divorce, what steps i needed to take spoke with my family about help, and the like. everything has to wait til the baby comes... i can file for separation but then it has to wait. im trying to give him the opportunity to be the person i thought he was.

    im tired of crying to him and telling him what i need and just getting excuses. at first he wasnt in the mood because of his meds (which is a possible side effect), so i asked him to go to the doctor to switch meds, well now its because hes afraid it will put me into labor... really? for the last 9 months it was going to put me in labor?!

    ive told him the lies and bull wont work and things just plan need fixed. i explained to him i looked into divorce and a month after i told him its still the same crap. i know now that regardless of how things are now, they will only be worse once the baby comes. he says things will get better. blah what a load... he thinks theyll get better because thats obviously all hes ever wanted from me. he didnt want me he wanted another kid and i was just a means to an end...
    ive considered contacting the exes to see if it was the same with them, because im willing to bet that it was. im so ashamed at how ive been tricked and manipulated. thats how it feels to me at least, i keep hoping for things to get better and i know they never will. i guess ill just hold my breath until i cant take it anymore and then move on. i just cant believe i waited so long for this and it ended up being everything i didnt want for my child. she deserves better than some reproductive junkie as a father.
    Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to An_249635's response:
    Maybe there is something else you can do now (including making some kind of plan) rather than just waiting? Why do you say all you can do now is wait? What positive future do you imagine you would like? And what steps might you be able to take toward it now?

    With more information about your desires, options, and obstacles, perhaps those of us here can offer more support and/or suggestions.
    sluggo45692 replied to An_249635's response:
    Sorry to hear it, but some things you can do.
    1. If your not working, apply for legal aid for you and your child. It may take a while to get, so the sooner you start the better.
    2. Check with your local family services and child support services. Get your child under your legal custody and his child support, if not spousal support. He hasn't supported you emotionally, so make him support you financely.
    3. If you are separated, make sure you get in legal writing (court order) he can't take you off his insurance until the divorce is through.
    4. When the baby is born, get a DNA done. You know the baby is his, but make sure it's legally proven.
    5. Don't worry about the other baby mama's. You take care of you and your child.
    6. While your waiting, get all of the financal information. Checking/saving, deeds, car titles, anything that can deal with money. Know where the property and money is and where it's coming from. You will need it. Get copies of everything, including his ssn, birth certificate, marriage licence and if prior military, his miltary discharge papers.
    7. Drop the emotions and get practical. I know it's hard, but I know you can do it.

    Yes, I've been through a divorce. I'm a dad and I got custody of my son, because I did the right things. Don't lie, don't blow up, and don't cause any physical harm to anyone or anything. He can use it against you. Don't let him do it either.

    If your going to file, don't hesitate and don't stop. It is just stupid to get thru most of the procedures and take him back to have him not change. I'm sorry, but I don't see him changing because I have seen to many others (my nieces and nephews) take the P.O.S. back and have to go thru the whole process again 6 months to a year later.
    I know your a stong woman. Be that for yourself and your child. No matter what you do in life, you will alway have 2 concerns. Your child and yourself.
    Good Luck
    dfromspencer replied to An_249635's response:
    Make that plan, as Dr. Leslie suggested! Then, do exactly what Sluggo has written down for you, and you won't lose!!! He will try to get the baby, don't think he won't! Not even if he promises, so make sure you have all of YOUR ducks in a row!

    That's my suggestion, hope it helps?!

    Oh, one other thing, DON'T WAIT, GET OUT OF THERE RIGHT NOW!!! There are places you can go to, the local womens shelter for one!!! Do yourself, and the baby a favor, get out! We tax payers, will be more than happy to help you and your baby!!! GO!!!

    I wish you and your baby, a long and happy life!!!

    An_249635 responded:

    I know it's been a while since I've been on here, but with a baby girl, I've been very busy. My SO and I are still together, although nothing is better at the moment. There are good days and bad, since I'm pregnant again it's all bad again. Apparently he's a moron when there's a pregnancy involved. But once that bay comes, he's a whole new man, at least for a short time. After my daughter was born things got better, but when I found out I was expecting again things went to crap. I think in the whole time we've been married (2 years on 4-21) we've been intimate a whole whopping 10 times? I may be overestimating, I do know it has only been one time since my daughter was born, and I managed to get pregnant. I wanted another, and I'm glad they will both have the same father. I do know I am done having children after this one, and will prevent any future pregnancy. I am unsure how long my marriage will last. Hopefully once I am no longer pregnant things can get back to the way that they were although I doubt it.

    He had a bit of a shock a few months ago when I asked if he would ever want his daughter to be treated the way he's treated me. He cried. I've told him I do not want him to touch me, I won't ask anymore - and I haven't. If he's going to treat me poorly, I will be getting my things in order and leaving. I will find someone who wants me, but my children will come first. I will not have my daughter nor son (due 6-25) thinking it is okay to be treated like this or to treat people this way. I will allow him to stay in MY house (I bought it before we were married), and help with the kids and spend time with them, as long as he can attempt to remove his head from his rear. If not he can go live with his parents and go find another person to support him, because my limits have been stretched and are about done.

    He only contributes about $770 a month into our household (after child support and lawyer fees - we now have shared parenting of one of his sons), and that only covers groceries and our phones. The rest is on me to pay for. I'm sick of paying for his things, and not being able to get nice things for myself. I got a massage last moth, and it was wonderful. I'm getting a pedicure this month sometime, since I can no longer reach my toes It feels nice to do small things for myself once a month, I needed it so bad. He can put me second or third to everything else, I refuse to. After MY kids are taken care of I will do something for myself when I can. And IT FEELS GOOD!

    I have basically stopped dealing with the mothers and the boys. I am not his live in sitter. I work the same job, take care of my home, and my children. If I'm treated like crap, why should I bother. I will spend time with the boys, make meals, but I make him deal with their problems (which is curently behavioral issues - i.e. not listening, destroying things, and still not potty trained at almost 4 years old! - all caused from the mothers).

    This morning I said I don't think spending $150 on his "club" is in the budget like I thought it was going to be. If he wanted to spend money it could go to a new tire and getting the oil changed in his car, so we don't put all the milage on my car! He got pissy with me about it, and refused to talk. He spend $600 of our tax return on an xbox. I got clothes for the kids and caught up on our giant heating bill. It's time to be an adult. He wants to buy an SUV, since he will have 4 children, he's going to need a larger vehicle. Initially I was going to trade my car in to get one, but I have realized that I don't need a big car, and it's nice not having a car payment! Why should I stretch myself thin. I am trying to get all my debt lowered so that when I decide things are no longer helping me any, I can just say I'm done!

    All of this sounds very selfish, but after three years in this relationship it's time for me to be selfish. I kind of wish I would have come to this conclusion sooner. Does this all sound too cold?

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