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Trapped in the past.
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dfromspencer posted:
Hi all, its me again. I have done all of the things that Dr. Becker-Phelps has said, and even some from the other doctors she suggested. Nothing seems to be working? Each and every time I go out with a nice lady, and we hit it off, and things lead to other things, well, when the time comes for love, I can't go through with it!!!

Its not that I cannot make love, its more like I lose my ability to make love?! When the time comes, and I am rarin to go, I think of that one lady I was sure was my love of a lifetime, and away goes my everything! If you get my drift? I lose my erection, and it is so embarrassing!!! I am about ready to become that hermit again! I went through the process this one doctor said would work, but it doesn't feel like it worked?

This Doctor said I had to confront this woman I felt I loved, and tell her everything, and then I could start getting past her. Well, I still can't! What am I doing wrong? Why can't I get past this woman? I've thought about her constantly! Day in, and day out, constantly. I really fell for her, and at first, she seemed to encourage it? I could have been mistaken, but when we first saw each other, she couldn't stop staring at me, as I could not, her?! And, when first together, she had no wedding ring on, just this ;little red stoned ring. Like a friendship type ring? I said things to her in a third person way, and she seemed to go along with it? But, when I did confront her, this is after I found out she WAS married, she seemed to freak out a little, but it was more like acting, than real?! I told her why I was doing this, and she seemed, at least to me, a little disappointed?! I may be reading her wrong, I just don't know any more?! Every time I see her, she seems genuinely pleased to see me?! So, I don't know if she just likes the attention, or what? But, I CAN"T SEEM TO GET HER OUT OF MY MIND?!!!

I need help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is driving me crazy, and I am NOT kidding!!!!!!!

She has to go!!! I am not the kind of man that chases after married woman, or woman who are engaged, or just going out with someone! That goes against the grain, so to speak?!!! I've been cheated on, and I know the feeling, and I would not wish that on my worst enemy!!!

I need help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Any and all thoughts on this matter, will be greatly appreciated!!!

Thank you!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
Reply
 
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sluggo45692 responded:
Hi Dennis.
Well I'm proud of you for standing up for your beliefs and not following your small head. I understand not messing with someone who is still in a relationship/marriage. No one wants the drama.
If she is not living with husband and is planning on divorcing, I see no problem with dating her. If she's still having relations with husband or living with him, let her go.
As for your problem, you have to block it out of your mind. I had a really rough time with my ex wife. Hell, I couldn't get it up on a bet. I had to really, really block a lot of things out. I found concentrating on the moment and only what's going on at this time helped.
Sometimes I appear scatter brained and forgetful to my gf or even my parents, but I really had to forget alot to get by every day. Some days it brakes through, and I get really depressed. Then I start remembering the good in my life and build from there. No matter how crappy the past was, it's in the past and you have to let it go. You can't change it, you can't redo it, so you have to build up some scar tissue and run over it.

One of the ways I break the cycle is to pray or ask for strenght from ancestors. I'm not a strongly religious man, but you have to get help from somewhere. Be it god, family or friends, we all need help.

Another way to break the cycle is write it down in a story about or letter to the person. Then read it a couple of times and destroy it. Read it as a 3rd party and tell yourself your advise. Make it painful. Release the poison and anger. Destroy the pain and anger through destroying the letter. (DON'T SEND THEM) Look at your feelings and let them out.

By the way, your not crazy. You were hurt and are still suffering. Stop the suffering and grow some calluses. Good Luck
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
Dennis, I'm sorry to hear you are having such a hard time with this. Can you remind us when this happened, tell us what you have done to cope with your problem, and what you have done to move on in general from this hurt? Maybe with these facts, people here can offer more helpful advice.

I can tell you that sometimes people stay hung up on someone in part because they struggle in other areas of their lives, such as not having other people that they feel connected with. Could this be part of the problem? For instance, you say you think about her all the time- do you think about her when you spend time doing something fun with someone who you have a strong connection with? If so, then maybe your problem is as much about feeling lonely as it is about having a problem with sex.
 
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dfromspencer replied to sluggo45692's response:
Hey Sluggo,

Thanks for responding!!! Yes, as far as I know, she is still married, and still living with hubby? I have never asked her any personal questions. The only thing I do say to her, is how's the family, and how are the kids doing, regular conversation, you know? She never told me she was married, no, it was her nurse that spilled the beans. And all the while, she could not look at me, and when she did, it was just a quick glance to see my reaction. She couldn't look me in the eye, for the rest of my appointment. That was the day I started this little mantra; She is married, you will never have her, let it go! And yes, I tried the letter thing, and a pro and con list. I did the confrontation, admitted my feelings for her. Another time she couldn't look me in the eyes. And, she really seemed disappointed? The last two visits, and I only see her once every three to four months, she has had a hard time looking me in the eye. I honestly believe she has feelings for me also, but for whatever reason, she doesn't act upon them? And I am glad she don't! I do not ever want to be the cause of disruption of a family!!! I hate myself for feeling this way, but she really knocked my socks off, the first time I saw her, and every time since!!! She sure isn't a beauty queen, but that has never been what I look for in a woman!!! I knew immediately that she was a beautiful, loving, caring person, inside, and out! The feeling I got, when I first saw her, was so intense! You know the feeling you get when your child is born, that intense feeling of love? Well, times that by 100, and you might come close to what I felt?! Now you see why this is so hard for me? I have never felt that way before, for any woman, not even my now ex-wife! This is what love really feels like! I couldn't think of nothing else, couldn't keep my concentration on anything. It has gotten easier over this last couple years. Unfortunately, how do you really get rid of the love of your life? Can you even do such a thing? I seem to be having a rough go at it? When I think its cool, she comes back in, at the most inopportune times!!!

That is what I was saying, every time I try, it goes away. Just as soon as I climb in bed, she pops in my head, and I get this intense feeling of guilt, guilt? Why guilt? I am not with that woman, so why guilt? I don't get it?

I have tried so many things, the things you said, things from the internet, even things from family and friends, nothing seems to do it? It feels like something is binding me to her? I need to figure out what that is, and break that bond?!

Thanks you so much!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on responded:
D,

I can relate to what you are saying on a few levels, but mostly the performance issue. And honestly it is still something i struggle with to this day...which is not an easy pill to swallow, but im working on it.

In one of your reposts, you said you haven't asked her any personal questions, so i would assume that you have just have brief conversations? Considering she is your PCP, a simple solution would be to find another doctor, out of sight out of mind. I am not ignoring how you feel when you look at her, most us have been there, i know i have. But if you dont know anything "personal" about her, the relationship is purely physical at this moment and perhaps even a fantasy. Considering you discovered she was married and you have good morals not to be a home wrecker, know your not going to persue anything with her, bu you still find her attractive and what normal guy doesnt fantasize about that sexy lady he saw at the store, or where ever.

You also mentioned that she has a hard time looking you in the eye, coming from someone who is very shy and i have issues looking people in the eye. So, is there a possibility that she finds you attractive and she cannot look at you directly for fear of getting caught, of course. Or, maybe she sees the way you look at her and she can sense some sort of attraction and she doesnt want to mislead you, because she is married? And since she is a doctor, whom is very caring, loving person, perhaps this has happened before and this is what type of action she took before to help cut those ties.

I am going to ask you something very personal and if you dont feel comfortable answering on here, i completely understand. But if you dont answer, id really like you to think about this question. Being divorced myself, i experienced a long long time of loneliness and heartbreak, she was the "love" of my life, or so i thought. I think it's fair to say at one point or another you thought that of your ex as well...and guess what you got over her, you're dating again!

But during those times of lonliness, how did you take care of your "primal" urges? For me it was manual stimulation, which is all well and good and perfectly natural. Please understand i am not trying to pass judgement or label you in anyway, this is just my own personal experience...and it has taken a lot of therapy to become this comfortable with it lol. I confided in pornography to make everything happen. But eventually because of how depressed i was, that was the only time i felt happy or when i was drowning my sorrows. So those moments got branded in my brain as "happy" time, so when ever i got down or upset, i'd go to a happy place and block out all of those awful feelings or thoughts. I'm pretty sure Dr. Phelps could back me up on this, certain parts of the brain, begin to rewire themselves and change, so much to the point that my entire perception of intamacy had changed. The long and short of it is, i became addicted to it and i still am, but i am trying to get better everyday.

That is the main reason i mentioned any sort of fantasy, we have seen the movies with the sexy nurse/doctor. My thought is that is what is getting attached in your brain and your trying to keep that fantasy alive and when your with another women, she isnt fulfilling that fantasy that you have created. And certain parts of your brain are attached to that fantasy and they aren't releasing the appropriate hormones during foreplay/sex and your mind gets bored, even though you might be completely tuned into the woman your with.

Like I said, i was in no way trying to accuse or label you of having my issues, i just wanted to relate something that i am dealing with, in hopes it may cause you to look at the situation differently.

Remember, men are from mars, women are from venus...just because we think we know what they might be thinking, we really have no clue!

IC
 
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sluggo45692 replied to dfromspencer's response:
Hi Dennis,

You never mentioned she was your P.C.P.. This puts a whole different light on the matter. I was a health care provider when I was in the service. It was unethical for me to have relationships with my patients. Believe me it was really really hard with some of the women I treated.

If you care about this woman at all, change your P.C.P.. If she's having feelings for you and acts on them, she's risking more than just her marriage. Her career, her licence, and her livelyhood. It doesn't matter if she's a M.D., therapist, or mental health professional. Anyone who treats another has a very strict code of conduct.

As 1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on stated: out of sight/out of mind can help. Don't keep hurting yourself. I know you feel comfortable with her as your P.C.P., but if your too attracted to her it may make her feel uncomfortable. I know it may be hard to find one, but try to find a male P.C.P. that you can be comfortable with.

You said you tried all different ways to break the cycle. If one doesn't work the first time, keep trying. You may have to do the same ones over and over. There is no quick fix.

I know your a strong guy and have a tough exterior, but we all have soft spots. Mine is still the pretty girl from 3rd grade. Would do anything for her all through school. To this day I would worship the ground she walks on,only in my mind. I dream about her and ache for her. I don't know how many times I woke up aching and crying for her. Even when I was married and every once in a while now. I keep hearing about her and know that never telling her my feelings was the best thing I could have done for her. She's married with children and is happy. I have severe wanderlust (moving around not chasing women) and never could have made her happy. I physically haven't seen her in over 12 years. It helps.

I hope my story helps. Good Luck
 
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dfromspencer replied to 1nt3rnalc0mbu5t1on's response:
Hi IC,

Thanks for responding! Well, how to put this? I have E.D., so I do not get excited very easily. I have to take one of my little pills, and then, I need to manually stimulate myself, or she would have to. I tried porn, but it doesn't make me feel any different?! It takes a very special moment to trip my trigger, so to speak. LOL! I am really sorry you are having such a hard time!!! I can truly sympathize with you!!! And as far as thinking my ex was the love of my life? No way! I never once felt that way about her! Sure, I loved her, or so I thought?!

When I said she has a hard time looking me in the eye, was when the nurse told me they were both married to a guy with my name. She has no problem looking me in the eye on any normal basis! She knows what I told her, and she suggested I find another doctor, but that would be an easy way out. I told her I needed to work this out myself, and she need not help me. THIS is something I have to do, all by myself. And if I change doctors now, I would never feel right, again!

No one remembers what I said about her the first time, or perhaps I left this part out? When I first laid eye's on her, she was standing in the waiting room, not wearing anything that would id her as a doctor. It was just the two of us, and it was like time stood still?! I had to physically force myself to quit staring at her, and it sure looked like she had the same problem?! I had no idea she was going to be my doctor! I went into the bathroom to comb my hair, and when I came out, she was gone, and I thought I had just screwed up? I thought I had just let the ONE slip right past me?!

Then, my nurse came and got me, and when my doctor came to get me, it was her! I think we were both shocked, at first, but she smiled from ear to ear, and I suppose I was grinning like some daft fool??? This time, she was wearing a lab coat!!! But, like I mentioned, the first thing I looked for, was a wedding ring, or an engagement ring? Nope, all she had was the little red stoned ring! I did get to know some things about her, by talking to her in a third person vernacular! As she was giving me a welcome to this clinic, get to know you physical, the first thing I said to her was, "when I came into the clinic this morning, I swear I saw the woman of my dreams, the one I was meant to spend the rest of my life with"! She said, "really, the one, huh"? And this sort of conversation went on till I told her I had to confront her with my problem, and I explained to her it was a process in which I was supposed to get over, and get past, YOU?! I could see disappointment on her face, when I said that, but I think she also understood it?! She sat back in her chair, gripped the arms of that chair, (an observation I made) and said "shoot". So, I did! As I was explaining how this doctor said this should work, she kept looking at, and playing with her wedding ring. (Another observation) By the time I was done, I swear she had disappointment on her face? But, she got it, I could tell?! She then offered to change doctors with me, but I told her, if I cannot come here, and face the truth, then I might as well not have said anything?! She agreed this might be the best thing, too? So, I can go up there now, and not have such strong reactions to her, and it gets easier every time I go! We have excellent conversations now, and I can still tell her everything, and she gets it! No, I don't mean about her, but about the problem I stated in the first post. She really tries to help me! She doesn't have a problem looking me in the eye now, but she doesn't maintain it for too long, if you know what I mean?! We just don't have a problem working together! I hope I explained that to where everyone can understand?

To be continued!
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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dfromspencer replied to dfromspencer's response:
I do not think of her constantly, actually, its quite rarely now. The problem is when I am ready to make love to a hot lookin woman, just when I am ready to do the deed, I think of her!!!!! Damn, that is so frustrating! It wouldn't be so bad, if it was only once, or even twice, but 4 or 5 times? Come on!!! There has to be something I am overlooking?

I wish I could remember the name of that doctor?! Then I could go back to that blog, and see what I am forgetting? If I had the name, doctor Leslie could tell me, she was the one that turned me on to him! I just draw a blank!

Well, I hope this explains it all a little better?! And Sluggo, she doesn't have any problems being my doctor, and I have no problems being her patient. She understood why I needed to keep seeing her, and she is trying to help me with my problem I stated in the first post. She took a avid interest in my getting through this, so I can have an awesome life, also! She is nothing but professional, and I wouldn't have it any other way! I never went in there intending to fall for this woman, and I have no intentions of ever ruining her life for any reason! I wish she had never hid her wedding ring from me, and I wish she hadn't played along, but it is all water under the bridge now, and it is long gone!!! I hope you understand why I need to face her each and every time, till it is completely out of my system?! This is from a psych, dr. himself. So, I will follow it to the bitter end, so to speak. LOL!!!

Thanks, to both of you gentlemen, for your keen insights, and wisdom!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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dfromspencer replied to sluggo45692's response:
Hi Sluggo,

I hope you can understand, I had to put both yours, and IC's responses together? That is an excruciating amount of typing, and I would just have to repeat most of it. So, it is all together.

Thanks again!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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rohvannyn replied to An_250579's response:
An_250579: Perhaps you are responding to the wrong post by mistake. I don't see how Dennis has said he was stalking this woman, and he hasn't been telling lies about her to anyone. He is actually being mature about it, he's just having trouble forgetting her at certain moments even though he is doing all the right things and not pursuing her. I read his posts twice to make sure I hadn't missed anything and you are not correct about what he is doing. It's not very nice to accuse people of something they are not doing.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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rohvannyn replied to An_250579's response:
Yes, in the way he is talking about it. If he has neighbors who are friends and set him up with dates, there is no harm in that. They do it because they like him. He isn't saying anything bad about anyone. I think there may be a cultural misunderstanding here. I have been reading Dennis's posts for a while now (a couple years actually) and he has always seemed to behave in a straightforward, honest, warmhearted way. I don't see any fault in what he is doing.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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sluggo45692 replied to dfromspencer's response:
Hid Dennis,

No problem with putting the 2 together. I'm glad your getting along well with her. The way I read the story was it was a current item with a lady love. I hadn't understood this had been going on for a while. Plus when a mental health doctor tells you do continue seeing her, he's a much better judge than I am. If she can be professional and you can have a good repore with her, you'll get much better care in the long run. It never hurts to be able to talk to a woman doctor about male problems.

As for the ring, think about how many times she washes her hands and has to take the ring off. I didn't where my wedding ring when I seen patients and all I had was a band. I would rather loss a cheap ring than my wedding ring any day.

For An_250579, You seem to have not been here with Dennis, He has other problems, but stalking isn't one of them. He seems to have been in a bad state, but he's using this site to help go to a better place. I think he gives good advise to a lot of people, and he has the right to ask for help just like everyone else. You can only look at what's been written and base your advise on it. All I can see is he's a good man.

Keep the faith Dennis Good Luck


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