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    Question about having holiday meals
    Anon_11642 posted:
    Hi - wondering about something. Usually we go to my daughter's house which is about 2-1/2 hours from where I live for Xmas - I usually have Thanksgiving. She is very busy with 3 children - 2 are teenagers and a husband who travels a lot. She still works in the morning but doesn't have to - she is very busy - really very much so. She is one of these "supermoms".

    She called me and told me that she is very tired and if when we come down just stay for the day - one meal and then leave and not linger. Those are the words she said. I said I understand as I know how busy you are and that's ok. She said thanks for understanding.

    Now, I'm thinking again about the words "don't linger" - we never stay more than 1 the most 2 nights and don't go down there a lot. Wondering if she would say "don't linger" to her mother-in-law.

    Anyway, I told my husband now I'm thinking this - maybe when I see her or talk to her I think I may suggest forgetting the get-together this year - I'll mail the grandkids their presents - I dont mind at all staying home - I have a son and DIL with a child down the street - she is a DIL from hell and I'm thinking my daughter doesn't want "that stress" but me being me wondering now if it is possible me too? My husband said don't go there. I know she cannot stand her either and that is probably the reason for all this but again I am thinking other thoughts so I'm posting here.

    Anyway, I am thinking eliminating the Xmas visit might be better for her and I don't mind either.

    I guess the reason I'm posting here is this - I am sensitive obviously - would you react the same way if the shoe were on your foot.

    Anyway, how would you handle this situation? I'm all ears and looking for solutions and peace - all I want is peace for everyone.

    Thanks for listening. By the way, I hate holidays!
    fcl responded:
    I think that, before you start overthinking this, you call your daughter and you just talk to her ... She may be overwhelmed. she may just be tired. She may be depressed. She may just want a year off from the family get-togethers.

    Also, why does it matter what she'd say to her MIL? Few of us speak to our mothers and our MILs in the same way anyway.

    The bottom line is that if you don't mind having a cosy xmas at home with your husband then where is the problem? There is absolutely no obligation to be with family that day.

    If I were in your shoes, I'd be honest with my daughter. I wouldn't want to do a 5 hour round trip for a meal and then leave so I'd say that I didn't mind giving this year a miss. Then I'd make plans for a fun day with my husband (ever thought about going away somewhere, just the two of you?) and drop the subject. Take it at face value.
    There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
    dfromspencer responded:
    Happy Holidays!!!

    Sorry, just had to do it! Hi again! So, now the good daughter doesn't want the daughter from hell to visit? I can't imagine why? LOL!!! I can't read her mind, but what you think, may just be it? However, (and there is always an "However", isn't there?) you may want to call the good daughter, and ask her for clarification? Tell her you are just courious to know how she feels about "Evil DIL??? And if that, is the reason for the "don't linger"?

    Be prepared for another answer, tho! It may be something completely different? At least you have opened the door to conversation, right? And conversation leads to understanding, right? Ok, let me know how it goes?!

    Good luck, and Happy Thanksgiving!!!

    (Ooops, I did it again!) LOL!!!

    You take care, and try to get an understanding from your GOOD DAUGHTER?!!!

    Anon_11642 replied to dfromspencer's response:
    My husband and I decided to tell her we are not coming at all and that whatever they want to do whether travel somewhere or whatever do it - I dont want her to feel obligated to have us - We are always alone on Xmas eve anyway as my son't crazy wife always has Xmas eve with her family that was told to us before they got married. We usually go out to a late lunch and attend a beautiful mass at our beautiful church where we live. The next day my son is alone so he comes to our house for Xmas day - sometimes his wife comes or sometimes she works or who knows maybe she wont come - plan on making a little turkey for him and make it nice at least for him and his 5-year-old son whom we are very close.

    I just loved it when we went to their house a few days for his 5-year-old birthday - all the people except me and my husband were the only two from my son's side and when my grandson saw me he jumped up and down and got so excited and said "Nana is here, Nana is here." Yep, it made my day and when we left he said "Nana now when can I see you - can I come over tomorrow - they took him overnight on a trip an indoor water park and still he wanted to come over. Love that little guy - these little people they know and they see - we bonded from birth as I took care of him 2 days a week when he was an infant.

    Anyway, long story here - we are not going. I may hear some other stuff who knows but will only discuss with my daughter when we are alone or on the phone.

    Have a good turkey day everyone -

    Between you and me and the gatepost - I like "regular" days - not holidays - too many things can happen that you don't like - anyway stay happy.
    sluggo45692 replied to Anon_11642's response:
    I agree with your choice. I don't care for the holiday's either. Mostly because everyone has to work and the commericalism of the holidays. Notice X-mas commericals started before Holloween and the stores had their displays up.
    I'm the oldest of 6 children. Between the in-laws and work, no one has the same time off. Mom and Dad are still with us, but they have been divorced for over 40 years.
    So send the gifts and cards, call them and tell them you love them. and then have a good time with the family who are close by. The one who are away will know how you feel and relieves some of their stress of the holiday season.

    Good Luck
    dfromspencer replied to Anon_11642's response:
    Hi again, its me!!!

    I think you have made the right choice?! You do not need that kind of stress during the holidays, who does?! If she cannot understand, well then, that is on her! That is a long way to drive, just to sit down for dinner, then get up and leave, who does that??? Since I got divorced, I have been divided between family members for most of the holidays. No one has ever gave me that talk! Sit down, get up, leave, say what? I kinda feel like that was just rude? Her LOSS!!!

    So, do the things that you enjoy doing! And when your son and grandson comes, give them all the warmth and love you can. Make them know how much you love them, especially since the Dragon Lady won't be there! LOL!!!

    Its good you have such a great bond with your grandson! He knows how much warmth and love he gets from his NANA!!! All children are pretty resilliant when they are young. Once they get to a higher understanding of what's going on between you and his mother, there may be some animosity? But, he will always know you love him, no matter what the Dragon Lady says, or does!!! You have a wonderful grandson, you know that!!!

    Like you, I am not much for the holidays, at least, not any more! Once my kids grew up, and had kids of their own, and they are so far away, I really could care less!!! I send them their b-day cards, Christmas presents, things like that, but as long as they are not right here with me, forget about it!!! Too much of a hastle for anyone doing all the work!

    I am glad you came to a good decision, one you can live with, and not feel guilty about! You did the right thing! Now, enjoy all the time you can get, with that awesome grandchild of yours!!!

    Till next time, HAPPY HOLIDAY'S!!! (Oops)

    Take care!!!


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