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FORGIVE AND FORGET
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An_254773 posted:
I am engaged to a man who I have been with for 14 years. In our first year together we had a lot of struggles. I cheated on him and I felt so bad but there were a lot of things going on that were both issues on our part that lead to it.

He ended up giving me a second chance and I have not done anything since on 13 years and when we fight he throws it in my face or when I go somewhere he dogs me when I come back and when I tell him I dod not do something he believes differently! He wants to move forward and get married and buy a house but one morning we both woke up early and right out of the blue he just came right out and said" I don't Trust you"!!! I was like WHAT where did that come from!! It threw me for a loop I felt so hurt and disrespected that in 13 years nothing has happened like that again.

What do I do he says that he can never completely honestly TRUST me. What can he do to honestly forgive and trust me? Oh but then he turns around and says 10 minutes later Oh I TRUST you. Where does this make sense??

Feeling Confused
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eeyorecrew responded:
Nope, people don't forget. They absolutely can forgive, but in order for them to move on in a healthy manner, they have to set boundaries.

It really honestly sounds to me like he wants to use your mistake to control you, as well as use his 'forgiveness' as a carrot to dangle in order to control you some more . Just doesn't sound healthy to me as is, and if I were u, I'd definitely get some couple's therapy before adding even one more day to the relationship, much less marrying the guy.

Basically he is being a liar about forgiving/trusting you, and then topping it off with unhealthy control issues.

End of comments-have some honest open discussion time (no fighting) and see if he is committed to the relationship enough to work on it, or if he is figuring on pulling that out of his a** to control you in marriage until things just get worse and worse.

Sincerely,best of luck ingesting your relationship healthy!

A man is only as good as his word. If he can't say he forgives and trusts you and stick to it, then u can't trust him.

Just all opinion based on a good bit of experience.....
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
Clearly you have reason for concern. The issue is obviously a big one (with serious consequences for your future, not to mention your present) and not easy to fully understand and move through. So, if you still think you might want to marry him, I strongly recommend that you find a couple therapist, who can help you through this.
 
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dfromspencer responded:
As a man that has been cheated on, he is right, he can never really, fully trust you again! I tried for years to get that out of my head, but there is NO forgetting something so terrible as cheating!!! I forgave her, sure, and like I said, I tried and tried to just let it go, I couldn't do it! No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't!!! As long as you two are together, there will always be that little tiny lack of trust. And over time, that tiny bit grows bigger and bigger. Then, he will be right back to where he is now, he says he don't trust you, then says he does. He don't, won't, can't ever stop that! I tried for thirteen years also, no matter what I tried, nothing could ever make me fully trust her, and we ended up divorced.


I hope you don't, but the chances are very good you will, end up like me, divorced. You can marry him, if that's what you really want, he can seek counseling for ever, but there will always be that little something in the back of his mind. That little something is what you need to dig out, and destroy. He will need both couples, and individual therapy's!


I wish you all the luck in the world, you are going to need it!!!


Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!