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Drawing my ideas
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rohvannyn posted:
I was thinking about Sluggo's idea to use manga to express myself and reframe my experiences. It's an interesting one and I may try it out. I think that recalling the details of my feelings, so that I can draw them, would help me reconnect with them.

We still have had squabbles and fights but they are less frequent and they end more quickly. Once I can come up with one common factor or at least get a handle on it I'll post about it.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
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dfromspencer responded:
Hi Roh,


I was wondering, when you go through a squabble, lets say, do you go over and over it, looking for that one common denominator? I sure have! However, now I try and set myself outside of it, and go over it as an observer. This sometimes helps me to see where I went wrong, or where the argument started, why it started, things like that? Going over it in this fashion, helps me to really SEE what, or where it went wrong? And, that gives me ideas on how to fix it.


Have you ever tried that/done that? If you have, what do you think about this method? I am not really sure, my mind is iffy sometimes due to all the medication's I take, but I think it was Dr. Becker-Phelps that gave me that idea?! Did she? Do you remember hearing anything like this before?


Curiosity has got me by the short hairs!!! LOL!!!


Take care, and keep drawing, Manga art is really cool!!!


D.
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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rohvannyn replied to dfromspencer's response:
Yep, I've done that, and usually get great insight on what caused it, but putting the knowledge into use in the heat of the moment is where I fail miserably. No matter what my intentions, I seem to get into this "stimulus, response" pattern where I react to certain triggers absolutely without thought.

I think that's one of the worst things. We'll get into a fight, we'll cool down, I'll start being calmer and figure out what I did wrong. I'll see my mistake, resolve to do better, and sometimes I'll succeed. But soon, I get the stimulus, I'll respond inappropriately, and then I feel like I'm at square one. I think I'm doing better with putting a check on things and getting myself under control more quickly, but I'd like to do better in the first place.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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sluggo45692 replied to rohvannyn's response:
Hi Roh,

I'm glad you like my idea about using your art to express yourself. Some of the best art I have seen was from the artist heart and soul.

Sounds like your getting a handle on some things. You recognize you have triggers. We all have them. Some are good and some are bad. Recognizing them is hard and the hard part is not letting them fire. It's a learned trait. It's hard to be called something (A**Hole) and not fire back something worse. (the C word) Don't get so involved with the squabble that you forget yourself. That's when it becomes a fight.

Also our partners learn them and use them against us. You are having what you think is a normal discussion, then because you don't agree with your partner, they drop a trigger. Then the fight is on. YOU BOTH LOSS.

I know I give a lot of my points of view, but I hope these help.
Have a discussion with your partner and make rules for arguments. Don't cuss, don't touch, and if things are getting really heated, you have permission to walk away without the other person following. Be more specfic for your family. They know your triggers and you know theirs.

No advise or solution is perfect. No matter how hard you try, your triggers can fire. Then you feel really bad about it. Remember if you can go back to them later, you can still work it out. Welcome to being human.

Good Luck
 
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dfromspencer replied to rohvannyn's response:
Hiya Roh,


Wow, Sluggo has it right on so many occasions!!! I like the trigger response! Because, as long as you know your own triggers, you can start to defend against them, before they are thrown at you! Go over each one that YOU know sets you off immediately. Then make up a defence for it, say, A different thought? Example, say she calls you a pig at the dinner table, and you hate that word "pig", and it sets you off every time? Ok, as soon as she says it, you have to immediately change your thought to another one, only it has to be a good thought! Then, as calmly as you can, tell her thanks for helping me with my table manners! That right there, will show your spouse that you will no longer be set off by those triggers. Hopefully, she will stop dropping them on you?!


The thing is, as long as you are aware of what sets you off, you can successfully guard against them, with thoughts of your own, not theirs! Yes, they are thinking you will get mad if you hear these words, and that is what they want! If you can stop your first instinct to strike back, you will be the one in charge of your emotions! Its that sudden instinct to strike back that we all need to master! Replace that first thought with a good one, and hopefully, they will see they can no longer pull your chain, and leave you be?! At least they will stop with the known triggers, and try to find others?! LOL!!!


We have to master our initial hate response, that is the first emotion most of us have when confronted with a trigger! We may not actually hate who said it, but we hate the fact they said it!!! Master that initial response, and you master your emotions!!! Hey, I should put a patent on that? Naw, someone likely said it before?!


Now, I am off to practice what I preach! Take care Roh, have a great day!!!


D.
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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rohvannyn replied to dfromspencer's response:
I appreciate you two helping me clarify exactly what is happening. The above is great advice for someone with a spouse that is triggering them, the best! I'll try to be a little more accurate.

Here is an example. She has a problem with speaking slowly at times, and taking what I consider to be long pauses in the middle of her statements. I have a bad habit of subconsciously thinking she's done, because I'm triggered by a pause or intonation, and I interrupt her. Now, with how many times I've been told to wait just that extra bit, you'd think I'd remember. But no, when I'm off my guard or tired I'll respond to the tone or the pause and interrupt again. Sometimes it makes me feel like I shouldn't speak at all. Then she gets on me for not communicating.

That's what I'm talking about with "stimulus, response." When I know it's dumb to do something but I can't seem to train myself out of it.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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sluggo45692 replied to rohvannyn's response:
It's not dumb, Roh

Our minds work at a set speed. If your partner is speaking slowly and has to think about or take a breath to continue, it's not surprising you tend to interrupt her.You may seem like a freight train to her conversation and consentration.
No disrespect to your partner, but think of talking to a person who is using english as a 2nd language. They have to think about how to put the words.

I lived in Italy and Iceland. They are both wonderful places and have wonderful peoples. I know I screwed up with lanuage barriers, both in getting my point across and getting the other person's point.

Realize it takes time for someone you know and love to put her thoughts in to words. Apologize and beg for forgiveness when you forget. I'm sure you have explained it to her many times, but she's may have forgotten also. Just keep reminding her and keep loving her.

No one's perfect, or we would all get along. Have fun and keep loving her. That's as perfect as we can get.

Good Luck
 
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dfromspencer replied to rohvannyn's response:
Hi Roh,


Wow, Sluggo has a damned good point!!! I think I remember you saying your spouse also has to take (what was it, pain meds?) medication??? That could also be causing her "pauses" in the conversation? I know for a fact, I have lost my words, or my whole train of thought, due to the amount of MS CONTIN I take. Then add on some oxycodone. Add just a little? Lyrica, and you have a fine recipe for forgetfulness, pauses, whatever you can imagine, it has probably happened?!


Sluggo is definitely right about one thing, it is NOT dumb, nor are YOU dumb!!! You have said it yourself, this is a work in progress, so there will be some setbacks! Down turns, even forks in the road! You are a very strong person, Roh, that is why this is so hard for you! You have that drive-on type of personality, whereas your spouse is not! She seems to be more laid back? That is how you have to adjust, when dealing with her, you are going to have to learn to slow yourself down?!


You can be a drive-on type person, and also be a laid back stoner type person, also! I don't know how old you are, but I am old enough to remember the 60's/70's, and all the pot heads!!! Now they knew how to kick it!!! Screw the company!!! Screw the MAN!!! Ahhh, what a great time to be alive!!! They knew how to relax! They knew how to stop the stress of the job at the door! They left the work at work, and when home, they picked up the lazed relaxed personality.


You need that type of personality when dealing with your spouse. Remember, its not her fault, this is an illness, happens to a lot of people. Have you ever talked to others who have also dealt with this? Might help if you did? I.D.K.?


All I know is this, I want to see you guys as happy as can be!!! Talk to you later!


Take care, Roh!


D.
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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tmlmtlrl replied to rohvannyn's response:
Hi Roh, I just read through this and wanted to share my experience.


When I was younger I used to be the same way as your partner. I was a slow talker/responder. The reason why was that I always wanted to not only say the right thing but say it in the right way to communicate it appropriately to the person I was speaking to!


When I met my best friend she used to laugh at me about how long it took to respond or say what I was trying to say. Now I'm able to think much faster and still communicate effectively. Probably helped bartending for awhile where it was to my benefit to have quick come backs!


Anyways, now I'm married to a man who is that way and it drives me nuts!! Talk about what comes around goes around He takes these crazy long pauses mid sentence or takes a while to respond at all. Thing is, I can relate and I really want to know what he has to say.Truthfully I find myself holding my breath and staring at him waiting!! It's not easy.


I just wondered if you've ever tried counting while she pauses? It would give time for her to speak and also for what you're about to say in response to be calmer. But, I guess I'm also wondering if you are even aware in the moment that what's happening is happening? If not, maybe just making a conscious effort to be more present while in conversation. Don't be in a hurry to make your point. Be more curious about what it is she's trying to say. GL
 
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rohvannyn replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
All very good points. Ha ha, also things I have tried! Guess I'll keep at it till I get it right. I tend to talk faster when I am anxious or stressed, or feeling under pressure. So I definitely need to practice being relaxed more often.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ


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