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WHEN is it My Turn to Breathe?
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Anon_907 posted:
Continued from "Will My Marriage Survive?" and "Did He Sleep with Her?"....Guess what everyone???
My husband is in the hospital!!! Yes, after all the mess I've been through, he's the one laid up getting treated for high blood pressure and possible mild stroke. Did I put him there? Was I too hard on him by having him agree to terms that would save our marriage?
I can't deal with my emotions out of concern for him. Why am I still standing? It' s the God in me, the one true thing I can count on. I have two kids who need me to be strong, take them to school tomorrow as if nothing is wrong. I have to smile in his face, showing complete denial that he cheated on me in order for him to stay calm. This is so hard...especially after going through his phone history and noticing that he talked to her for 54 min 3 sec this morning before he went into work. I'm taking our kids to school and he's on the phone with her??! What could possibly be that important to chat with someone that long while riding a bus on your way to work? She was off today, so it couldn't be work related, right? ( I went through his things and found the work schedule).
He seemed so genuine lately in saving our marriage, willing to do what it took. So why call her and talk so long...if it was innocent why would he delete her as a contact, and the texts? When her number comes up, there is no name this time. He thought I didn't know the number...well I do and recognized it.
Although I'm still standing with my faith to guide me...I need you guys to encourage me along the way. Love you much!!!
Reply
 
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sluggo45692 responded:
No you didn't put him there. High blood pressure happens with stress, diet, lack of exercise, smoking, and a mulitude of other factors. If he hasn't been on meds before, he will be now.

Don't feel like your lying, if you put on a happy face. He's been your husband and the father of your children for years. You haven't forgiven him. You are a good woman and feel compassion for him. Let him rest, without his phone (stress reduction) at the hospital.

After he gets out of the hospital, confront him. Ask him what's so important to talk to her about? Why can't he call and talk to you on his bus ride to work? I call my gf every morning on my way home from work, while she's going to work. I'm sure you can tell him things to make him blush and want to come quicker. That's when and if things work out.That's something you can add to what you can offer for staying together.

Again, I believe you are doing the right thing. No matter what happens, you will have tried every thing to stay together. Talk to your pastor or someone you respect in your church. Becareful of the busy bodies, you need support not gossip. Not all pastors are counselors, but they can refer you to someone who can help. They can also be there with their prayers and support.

I know you'll be there for you children, but also be there for yourself. Look in the mirror and tell that person how much you respect and love them. That person will alway be there for you.

Good Luck
 
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fcl responded:
No, you didn't put him there.No you're not responsible for his high blood pressure. no, you weren't too demanding of him (IMO you should have also demanded that he break off all contact with the other woman).

If he's still calling her then he's not taking the situation seriously enough ...

I agree with sluggo45692 that he doesn't need a phone in the hospital and you might also consider having a word with the personnel about not permitting visits from people who might cause him extra stress ...

A stint in hospital will do him the power of good, give him time to really think about his life and what he wants from it.

Don't beat yourself up about this because you have no reason to.

Wishing you well,

FCL
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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dfromspencer responded:
Did you put him there??? Of course NOT!!! He put himself there from the stress of sneaking around! I hope it opens his eyes! I hope he see's what is truly standing in front of him, smiling? HIS LIFE!!! You are his life. You two have been together long enough to know each other intimately. That is life. You have been in love with each other for a very long time, that is life. I could go on, but I think you get it? There is no need for you to worry about smiling at the man you have loved and lived with, for so long!!! You two have made two more out of your love for one another. NO, there is NO reason for you to feel at fault, in any of this?!!! Keep smiling, know that you did nothing wrong! Do NOT feel any guilt! THIS IS HIS FAULT!!!


I wonder, could that hour plus have been his goodbye??? Could he have told her to go find someone else to love, cause he already has his Angel to love'??? Could be? Right? Lets not rush to judgment! I suggest you wait till he is out, then calmly ask him why he had to take over an hour to talk to this woman? I sincerely hope he gives the right answer?


I see you are Religious. Is he, also? If he is, I suggest you stop at the church on the way home, and pray for him? Pray for him to wake up, pray for him to come back home, and mean it!


I.D.K.? I wish you lots of luck!!!


And don't worry, we will always be here for you!!!


Loving you right back!!!


Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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misshaag26 replied to dfromspencer's response:
I have been following your post and from what I can see you are a very loyal and loving person, most women would not be able to take on everything you are taking on right now. Having someone you love being sick or having an episode like your husband did can be hard on a relationship in itself and then to add to it you have this "cheating" situation hovering over your head at the same time. I APPLAUSE you for being able to handle this situation like a REAL woman should and put a smile on your face to make sure your children are taken care of and that your husband (despite his wrong doings) gets better and heals. But to answer your question HELL NO you are not the reason he is in the hospital! He has probably been stressing himself out about this situation (on top of not being in the best health I assume) and he brought this on himself. God has a funny way of showing us things and sometimes we need a swift kick in the butt to open our eyes, so hopefully this is the kick in his butt that has him open his eyes and realize the woman he has in front of him is Loyal, Loving, a great mother, mate, and provider. If after going through this situation he does not change you are better off without him because you can't fight to save your marriage alone, he has to truly be ready to change and re commit to you and your family together.
 
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smiley2009 responded:
Thanks everyone for the support! He is back a home and resting. I look at him differently now that he's home. Knowing that I saved his life (I suggested for him to check his blood pressure while he was at work), choosing to be loyal under such circumstances, and having seen his recent communication with her the very same day he went into the hospital, has changed me.
My love for this man is deep, it is pure, unconditional and loyal. Why can't he express this? When God put us together, I knew marriage took hard work, but it's much harder when trust is lost. I don't trust him...it is completely gone. I thought about using spyware software to monitor his phone behavior, but it cost and if I have to resort to this method than maybe the marriage is over. I asked him to be completely honest with me and not to be unfaithful through any means in the terms.
By calling her, talking for almost an hour, does that seem to you that he broke that term? Maybe he was ending it that day like dfromspencer said.
Thank you everyone for reaching out to me...I read your comments while I sat beside him at the hospital. You have helped me smile through this WAR with my heart. I truly wish for all of you the best that God can bring. Tell someone you love them today.
 
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Anon_907 responded:
By the way, the above post by "smiley2009" is my username. No longer wanted to be Anonymous. You guys are my friends. This will be my last time using anonymous.
 
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dfromspencer replied to Anon_907's response:
Well, hi there, Smiley!!! Nice to know you do have a name, well, sort of?! LOL!!!


You are most welcome! This is what we are here for, to help others, and by that, hopefully ourselves?!


Trust is a real huge BIGGIE in any relationship! Even friendship! Without that trust, how do you go on? If you truly love this man as you have professed, then it will return if you want it to?! Sure, it will take time, and a whole lotta effort on his part!!! But, remember this, it is his part to do! You did no wrong here! If you allow him to, he can redeem himself? He is going to have to almost start all over, and re-court you, so to speak?! He will slowly have to regain your trust.


I hope, and I know you mentioned money, I hope you can afford counseling? At the very least, see your pastor/rev./rabbi/what have you, and see if he can, or knows someone who can counsel the two of you? You may also benefit from individual counseling, also? I hope you at least try it?


Again, I wish you all the luck in the world!!!


Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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sluggo45692 replied to smiley2009's response:
Hi smiley,

The only persons we love unconditionally is our children and our lord. Our spouses have conditions. It's call marriage vowes. My ex found that out.
In your postings, I can see you love your husband and you marriage. I know with both you have to have trust. When we get married, we give trust totally and expect the same in return. When that trust is broken, it's a lot of hard work to rebuild it. I know your a strong woman and don't give your heart easily. Don't give your trust easily either. Make him earn it.
If you want to stay together (I know you do), follow your orginal plans. Don't waiver. He has to bring the trust back into the marriage. I hope he's up to the challenge, because you sound like a woman to fight for, even if he didn't see it before.

Good Luck
 
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smiley2009 responded:
Your comments have strengthened me! I wanted to give an update. My husband displayed focus, love, and determination to improve our relationship. The day after he left the hospital, he immediately started organizing the house, making phone calls to get another job, and showing affection towards me. The Doc said he was to take it easy, but he insisted that getting his life organized by "doing" things around the house was relaxing. He understood how important his family is to him. Almost having a possible stroke shook him; he said that it was time to change.
I saw the man that I married come back slowly, rise up and take on the challenge of repairing our marriage. I did question him about the phone call once I thought he was ready to talk.
I was calm, didn't want to "stress" him out. He said he wanted to make sure it was understood that their 'communication' was over. He wanted to to talk to her before they saw each other at work and wanted to avoid a situation. He said that he would have his cell phone out and I could go through it. I shared with him, that I have technology that can retrieve his call history, and he shook his head saying ok.
I'm not going to shut my heart off to him completely, but he will have to work hard everyday...not just this short amount of time. When reality hits, with its problems...that's when his strength and loyalty will be tested again. Have a great day everyone!!
 
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sluggo45692 replied to smiley2009's response:
Sounds like he's on the road to recovery of health, home, and heart. He knows you stood by him and knows you mean business about him hitting the curb. Be strong and don't waiver, Only you can let him in your heart and bed. Don't make it easy on him. He sure hasn't made it easy on you.

Give him a little trust every day and expect a lot of work from him. I can promise you, one day, if he has the strength and loyalty, when he's tested again he won't fail.

Remember also, you have to return his love and devotion. I know you love him and you're devoted to him. You have to show it also. Don't either of you take each other for granted and appreciate each other every day. It's not your fault he was talking to a co-worker, but make sure everyday he knows how much you need him as well as he needs you.

My ex never showed me any appreciation for anything I did. I wasn't expecting any, but it could have saved our marriage. She would ask what I needed for Christmas. I would state "I didn't need anything" and what I got was nothing. A card saying "I love you" would have meant the world to me. A pack of underware or socks would have at least she thought of me. She didn't even attempt to show any appreciation. I didn't realize any of this until near the end of our marriage.

My gf understands we all need some display of affection and appreciation. She never got it from her ex and she deserves it every day. So does every partner of every couple out there. You just seen by your husband going to the hospital, God said he could bring you home any time. Make sure you have your relationships in order.

Good Luck
 
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dfromspencer replied to smiley2009's response:
Thank you, Smiley! Thank you for this awesome update!!!


If what you say is true, then by all means let him back in, slowly, like Sluggo suggested?! Do not let him take the easy road back, make him take the hill! It is my belief, after reading your post, that he has seen the light? I truly hope he has, for your sake, the families sake, and even his sake!!!


I believe what he said, about giving you full admission to his things, phone, etc.! He nodded and agreed when you told him about the spyware, so, I would trust him on that! Allow yourself to trust him more and more, but make him earn it. He is the one that almost destroyed your family, but I think he wants it back, and bad?! I also believe what he told you about that long phone call, I think he meant it?!


You still love this man dearly, every one of your posts indicate this is true?! I am soooo glad to hear the love still in your tone/post?!!! You two have a love so deep, it cannot be broken by another, that has just been proven!!! Just don't rush to give it to him, make him work for that! Then later...


I am so glad to have read this post, it has lifted me up today!!! Thank you, Smiley, for allowing us to help you, and share a little of your family!!! It has been a privilege!!! And an honor!!! I'm sure we all want you to remain here with us, and be a part of our Web.M.D. family?! I hope to see you around, wait, I did, on that other post, AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


D.
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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smiley2009 responded:
Hey everyone, I was feeling a little down today due to everything that has happened lately. I guess today revealed how exhausted and frustrated I am. Getting the kids ready for school, homework, starting my own business, and on top of that repairing a marriage! Wonder Woman must have had some serious powers...I broke down in front of my husband. I asked him to help me with the kids this morning because I was simply just too tired. He went into work late and offered to fix me french toast!


Amazing as that was, I still felt down. I was in the twilight zone of depression it seemed. I read and understood what you said Sluggo in your post. I sent him a text thanking him for being there when I needed him. His efforts are genuine and as I struggle with my self esteem issues (a cheating spouse can cause damage), I have to remember to display positive feedback.

How do you rebuild confidence in your self once someone says, "you used to be my escape". Those words haunt me, making me doubt everything I do and if it's good enough. The one thing that I wonder...when someone cheats on the person that they love, how much pain do they endure? They committed an act of betrayal and hurt the person that loved them most. Those questions may be talked about in another discussion later!

Thank you Dennis for making me smile today...that was a hard thing to do! I laughed at your post when you wondered if I would return to the site...ofcourse I will! This community has become my place to heal. Everyone has shown kindness and support. Love you all.
 
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sluggo45692 replied to smiley2009's response:
Hello Smiley,
I know cheating spouse can cause pain and self esteem issues. I and Dennis were both cheated on. I didn't think I could even satify a woman sexually. I had to build my self back up. I even found out women liked have relations with me.

Your not weak for asking for his help. He should be there to help you in the first place. For that matter, the kids should be helping also, if they're old enough. Your depressed, because your emotional and, sounds like, physically exhausted. It shouldn't cause him any stress to help his wife with his children.

I hope your not one of those women who does everything at home and hubby plops his butt on the couch. Don't allow that. The more you do things together, the more you'll be together. If my gf and I are off work together, we are together. Going to the store, going to her dad's, even just getting gas, we try to be together.

Also talk to him. He needs to appreciate you and show it. Just like you did today. Expect that positive feedback for you. Showing positive feedback doesn't have to be a dozen roses every day. Little things like thank you or a text. Letting your partner know about you appreciate them makes a world of difference. He needs to date you a lot more. Holding doors, kissing you cheek, holding your hand. All those little things that are missed when people drift apart. Get in to those good habits and soon you'll keep doing them without thinking about and really mean it.

All I have stated above, he may have forgotten. REMIND him. This is what your fighting for. To stay together and be happy. You can't be happy staying together and not be appreciated.
I hope good things for you and the strenght to carry it through.

Good Luck
 
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dfromspencer replied to smiley2009's response:
Hi Smiley,


Glad I could make you smile, and have a little laugh, you need them!!! I know its a hard thing to do, I tried to stay with my ex, after she cheated on me. But, too many things conspired to kill that, and in the end, we divorced! I forgave, but could not forget! THAT, is what you must do, forgive him, and put that memory in a lock box in the very, way, way back of your mind, and try to forget it!!!!! NEVER, under any circumstances, are you to use that against him in a fight! You can NEVER throw that in his face, for any reason! Trust me on that!!!


I was tickled pink when I read how you told him to help with the kids, a little sad, also! He should NOT have to be asked, he should just do, it is his family too!!! How us men expect you ladies to JUST do it all, I will never know??? I also learned my lesson on that one, and when I got custody of my two children, I did everything for them myself, and loved every minute of it!!! BUT, if you also have a full time job, it can really stress you out!!! THAT is why the hubby MUST automatically help you, not wait to be asked!!! I hope you explain that to him, when he gets home?!


Self esteem??? You have no, or low self esteem? How? Why? YOU, lady, are starting your own business!!! How sweet is that??? Stressful as all get out, YES, but, this is something you have wanted, for a while I suppose?! And now, its coming to fruition right before your eyes!!! THAT alone, should make your chest stick out a mile or more?!!! You have two beautiful children, a home, and a hubby who has seen the light, you are WONDER WOMAN!!!!!!! What self esteem problems??? Come on now, smile!!!


Confidence? Yep, he made you lose a whole lot of that! Forgive him, but mean it if you do?!!! If you still love him, still want him as a husband, and lover, then you have to forgive him with all your heart, and MEAN IT!!!!!!! I can't stress that enough, you have to mean it, want it with all of your heart and soul, you have to take that love back, let him back in, open yourself to the possibilities, mean it with every fiber of your being!!! If you don't, that little memory will sit back there, and fester and grow, till it breaks the lock, and out comes that monster, and your marriage will suffer, maybe even end?!!! Confidence? You have the confidence to build your own business, you have confidence in yourself, if not the marriage?! It will take time but, you will get it back, and your marriage will be stronger for it!!! Trust in yourself, you are woman, ROAR!!! Scream your lungs out!!! Just make sure you won't disturb the neighbors?! Scream into a pillow! Get it out, now, Scream till you can't any more! Get that anger, and mistrust out, now! I hope that works for you, it helps me, sometimes! I have to use the pillow, I do have neighbors! LOL!!!


I can only wish you good luck. And hope that some of what I say may help you? Can't wait to see you around the boards!!! Have a great day!!!


Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!


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