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What to do with a LAZY HUSBAND!!!??????
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An_255110 posted:
Hi all I need help with my lazy Husband. We have been married for 3 years now known each other for 7 but were more of acquaintances before we started dating. Okay so the problem...HE IS LAZY!! His mom has always catered to his dad and him and his brother growing up, and when I say catered I mean CATERED...she will serve their plates at dinner and always eat last, if they need a refill on a drink she will stop eating and fill their cup up, she does laundry, cooks, bakes, cleans... the works BUT she was a stay at home mom his whole life. When we first got married he would help out here and there in the house (clean the garage, take out the trash, do yard work, vacuum) and I didn't work so everything was fine and there was actually a nice balance. I am a new mom and recently started working, our daughter is 10 months old. I have only been working for 4 weeks and he has all of a sudden become so freak in lazy! He leaves his clothes on the bathroom floor, he will eat in bed and leave dishes on the night stand, he will have our daughter playing in the living room with stuff all over the living room floor and soooo much more that I can't even fit in here. So I confronted him the other night as nicely as I could and asked him to help out more because I work now and I can't manage all of the house work by myself (forgot to say I have a step son that comes over every weekend making more laundry and cleaning etc.). his answer: NO!!! (can you believe it!) he said NO, he said he is not a house wife and if I care so much about the house I shouldn't have went to work and I need to quit my job to take care of home and the baby. He was serious. That was his answer. I was so upset I went outside to get air and just cried. I like the independence of working and being able to provide for my family. But I know because he was raised in somewhat of a shamanistic house he really thinks and feels like I should stay home. He had reservations before I went back to work anyway but ultimately said if I was happy he was all for it. I don't know what to do, I came back into the house that night and just went to bed and didn't say anything it has been two days and we've been so busy with other family stuff by the time we get home we fall asleep and barely talk. I need to know what my next step should be, I love my husband but I need a happy medium.
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dfromspencer responded:
Wow, as a man, I can say; you saw what it was like in his home, did you really think he would change for you? No! You are stuck with this entitled fellow! That's right, he feels totally entitled to live as he has always lived?! YOU change NOTHING! The baby has changed nothing, you are now the MOTHER he had, or better be! YOU will now serve the meal, eat last, fill the cups, the whole nine yards!!!


I'm sorry! But, can you honestly say you never saw this coming??? Wow! If you ever want him to change, you are going to have to get him together with more married men, who actually do things around the house, and treat their wives as wives, and not a mother! Plus, you are going to need the help of a counselor, or a psychologist? I hope you can afford one, for your sake?!


I wish you lots of luck!!!


Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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gd9900 responded:
While Dennis makes a valid point, I would argue that at some point in your relationship he wasnt lazy and/or unsupportive of you. What changed??? Not your question to answer. Start by reminding him your marriage and life together is between you and him to decide how it works. Let him know his lack of support isnt working for you and if the two of you find a workable compromise it will save your marriage. If he doesnt want to budge let him know it will ultimately be a dealbreaker for you.
 
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sluggo45692 responded:
Yep you married a "woman is 2nd class citizen" believing man. My gf's father, brother, ex-husband, and son believe this. "I can watch TV and the women will wait on me hand and foot." The son is changing, but not much. The father is to the point he won't get out of bed except to poop. It's been 3 plus weeks since he's taken a bath. He even expects, when he has them. visitors to come in his room and he doesn't put on pants. He wears boxers. He's 75 years old and can walk, he just won't.

You need to get it through his head, he has to help. Some pointers, tell him if his clothes aren't in the dirty clothes they won't get washed. Same with dishes. Each time you get him to do it, is a victory for you. For every "no" he gives you, be equal in your's. example "Honey, get me a glass of water" "NO" "Dear, let's have sex." "NO"

Remind him he didn't marry his mother and have a child with her. YOU are not his mother and servant. You are his equal partner in marriage.

The other posters stated you should have seen this coming, but I know you don't see it until circumstances change. Don't expect help from his family, because that's how they live. You may need a 3rd party to mediate this. Unless you want to be his SLAVE, you need to stop this now. It's still early in your life long marriage. You really have to stop it in the step-son. Even if you were a stay at home wife/mom, it's not your job to be his servant.

Don't be his floor mat and servant.

Good Luck
 
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fcl responded:
Well, your options are pretty clear. You can either turn into the Stepford wife that he wants you to be or you can refuse to.

I suggest you tell him that you are not going to live like that and that you consider marriage to be a partnership. If he won't pull his weight then why should you? Give him the option of counselling and if he won't go then stop doing it all for him. You are both out working all day, you should both be taking care of the house and baby, not just you. Start taking care of yourself and the baby and your needs and forget about his. It's time he evolved into a human being from this century. His attitude is extremely insulting, don't you think?

Also, his son is his responsability. Stop doing his laundry. Get his son to clean his own room - you shouldn't be running after him either. Give him chores to do - he might actually set an example for his father ...

He really needs to understand that if he persists like this that it could cost him his marriage. You can love him as much as you want but there is only so much a person can take of being treated as a lesser mortal.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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An_255110 replied to dfromspencer's response:
Thank you for writing back dfromspencer. To answer your question NO i never saw this coming because he was never like this in the beginning we have always had a very balanced share of household duties. Yes we each had main jobs, like I am the cooker because Im just better at it but it has never been as bad as it has been the last now 5 weeks. So to catch you up I did have a conversation and told him specifically what needed to be done so I dont feel so overwhelemed and under appreciated and he has been a little better but I just dont know if this is going to be a permanent change so for now I am content but if he starts acting up again we will need an outside party and hoepfully he can afford it or else I'm gone, I see to many people stick together for the wrong reasons and Im not going to just jump for a divorce but I REFUSE to be anyones door mat!
 
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An_255110 replied to gd9900's response:
Thank you for your support gd9900, your right he was not like this at all, it has been hard to balance everything since we've had the baby so maybe its just this new change that has things rocky I dont know, but yes ultimately it will be a deal breaker I am no ones slave but Gods!
 
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An_255110 replied to sluggo45692's response:
Thank you for responding Sluggo45692 to your post first thing I can say is WOW!!!! 75 year old who only gets up to POOP!! Now my husbands father is nothing like that neither is he and if he was ever that darn lazy better yet nasty I would divorce him at the drop of a dime.

I have tried your suggestion before and it hasnt really worked for me because one or two things happens. 1. I end going cleaning or picking up because it drives me crazy. 2. he just doesnt care so he leaves it knowing I will eventually go crazy. I have an anxiety disorder so little things like that can drive me absolutely crazy to the point were I can't sleep if the house is dirty. He has been better since the post so Im patiently waiting and hopeing this lasts.
 
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An_255110 replied to fcl's response:
Thank you fcl, I will admit when it comes to the baby I do somewhat takeover because I havent seen her all day so really I can't complain to much about that but the house as a whole I simply will not put up with. I do consider his sonto be my son so I dont want to think about him as just my husbands responsibilty and to be honest he is really not bad, the ammount he cleans is appropriate for his age (. I dont expect him to do laundry and clean toilets ya know. He keeps his room clean, will clean the dining room table after dinner and vaccum occasionally as well he is not my concern Im more worried he will act like his Dad because of his grandmother mainly and somewhat from what his Dad and I have shown him.
 
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sluggo45692 replied to An_255110's response:
I'm glad your husband isn't as bad as my gf's father. I just hope he keeps helping. I know it's hard, but what part of being together isn't. I help take care of my gf's father because no one else will help my gf. I hate the fact that he's a lazy SOB, but he's a product of his life. His wife waited on him hand and foot. Now she's in a nursing home.
If his wife had stopped that years ago, my gf would be much better off. That's why I'm frustrated when I hear of a person sitting on their duff and their partner doing all the work. Partners are not servants or slave. They are 50/50 partners in life. No matter their back ground, it's shared. Keep working on him.

Good Luck
 
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pinkpants78 responded:
You have married this guy so I believe you should live with him through good times or bad times. You might try to encourage him in a good way..
 
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dfromspencer replied to An_255110's response:
Hi An,


You are welcome! Ok, so he has changed for now? It may or may not last forever, but its a start?! My little sisters first husband was like this, he eventually helped a little, but just enough?! After a few years, he reverted back to his fathers ways. Did nothing but go to work and come home. Demanded everything, spanked his three little girls with anything that would come to hand. I actually took an oar away from him, he was trying to spank the oldest girl for some tiny infraction? Later on, I found out he was beating my sister as if she was a man? I quit my job, told them I was homeless, and could I stay a while, they let me, and I caught him hitting her, and I did everything I could to make him fight me, but no, he would only fight women, and guys he knew he could whip?!! Your hubby may be cut from the same cloth, I don't know, and I hope not?!!!!!!!!!!! My sister finally came to the realization he would never change, and divorced him! She is living with a drunken loser now, she can sure pick em!!! Her self worth went out the door a long time ago!


I hope your hubby is nothing like that? If he ever exhibits angry tendencies like hitting you, or your child, run, run for all you are worth, get far away, worry about your things later!!!!!


Never be anyone's slave, or doormat! A partnership is 50/50, if he can't do his 50, and refuses to try, leave. You deserve better than 30/70!!! Demand fairness in all things of your marriage, never defer to his judgment only! Do it once, you may lose it, period?!


I wish you all the love, and happiness a life could bring, enjoy that little one now, she will grow and be gone before you can blink!!!!! Good luck!!!


Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!


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