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    Mens varying degrees of respect for women:
    dfromspencer posted:
    Quite by chance, and a while back, I discovered something I did, but never consciously knew I was doing? One girlfriend said to me, "you never give me enough respect". That got me to thinking about past relationships, and how I respected the women I was with, and if any, to what degree did I respect them?

    I found that I did in fact, respect women in varying degrees! I asked myself, "why is this"? I didn't know? Why was I giving any more, or any less respect to these ladies I was having intercourse with??? Did I feel each one had a certain respect level? Was I subconsciously rating these women? Giving each one a different level of respect?

    My question, especially to Dr. Leslie is, how can our subconscious allow us to do things like this, and not be aware of it? It took me conscious thought, just to figure this out?!

    Any ideas, Dr., or anyone who might know something I do not???

    I just know I did this, I make an effort now, to never do this again, to any woman!


    sluggo45692 responded:
    Hi Dennis,

    I'm sure you give everyone a different level of respect. We all do. We are predisposed to judge people and the amount of respect we show them. Your not going to give a panhandler the same respect of a person in a business suite.

    With women, you'll give the respect that your predisposed to. For example: a well dressed large breasted woman in a bar compared to a well dressed small breasted woman in the same bar. You'll ignore one and be a servant to the other. I'm not saying you'll treat either any different, but it's your predispostion that will make you appear disrespectful.

    With our spouse/gf/signifcant other, we can take them for granted and that is disrespectful. It might be what your ex picked up on.

    All we can ever do is respect people as we want to be respected. Respect yourself and you'll project more respect to others.

    Good Luck
    fcl responded:
    No offence intended, Dennis, but I've noticed that the men who treat all women in the same manner are those who do not consider them to be of a different species
    There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
    dfromspencer replied to sluggo45692's response:
    Thanks Sluggo!!!

    I suppose you are right? But I do not, and I do make a conscious decision not to, disrespect a beggar, or show more respect to a well dressed business man! Everyone is the same to me, or they are supposed to be!? I look at everyone as a human being first, and foremost! THAT, is why I am having a bad time with these thoughts of disrespect to women, and at different levels, too?!

    I haven't even thought of this in years, but another poster got me to thinking about this again, and since I am here, I thought I would ask for a little help?

    Again, I thank you for your excellent answers!!!

    Take care, Sluggo my friend!!!!

    dfromspencer replied to fcl's response:
    Hi FCL!!!

    No offence taken! I asked, didn't I? WHAAAT??? Are you telling me that, WOMEN are a different SPECIES??? NO WAY!!! I have heard that women come from Venus, and men from Mars, but I never believed that? At least, not till now?!

    Well no wonder I had it all screwed up? All this time I thought we were all human beings and I was wrong?! We are a different species? Hmm, I think I might like that idea? It could be a very good excuse, eh? Maybe it will keep me from getting slapped??? Hmmm?

    Thanks FCL!!! I knew I could count on you!!! What you said, makes perfect sense when you think about it??? LOL!!!

    Take good care FCL, my friend!!!

    Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
    Dennis: I have no answer for you, but I do have a couple of questions:

    What is it about some women that leads you to respect them a lot? And, what is it about some women that leads you to respect them less?
    dfromspencer replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
    Hi Dr. Leslie,

    Well, that's just it! I don't know why I feel differently over different women? I was taught to respect everyone as a human being first, and then make my own assessments from there? I love women! I have loved them since I was 13?! I love everything about them, except the way they feel that us guys should just get them, if we loved them?! That will never happen, I'm afraid? I wish I could just get them!!! Another thing is their ability to read body language, and I cannot read theirs!

    I never even knew I was doing this, till one lady told me in no uncertain terms, that I didn't respect her enough! What is enough, or too little? How do "I" make these judgments? I just don't know? When you already respect women more than your own self, how can one make any judgments as to how one is worthier than another? THAT is where I have a problem, I don't know how I make these judgments? It has to be a subconscious thing? Right???

    This is driving me batty just thinking about it?!!! How is one woman more important, more valuable to me than others??? I give up! I don't know??? My mind is hurting over this, and so is my heart!!! Now, I wish I had just left it alone!!!

    Sorry Dr. Leslie, I have let you down!!!

    smiley2009 responded:
    Hey Dennis,

    I truly hope you find the peace you deserve on this subject. Maybe the answers will come over time, but don't stress about it. Examine your heart and truly ask questions that may reveal certain truths. There are books and articles that will work your brain. I'm not sure if I can share titles on this site?
    Sometimes we may never understand certain things in life, but we must keep moving forward. I hope you have a restful day!
    rohvannyn replied to dfromspencer's response:
    It sounds like you were respecting her plenty, but for whatever reason that wasn't coming through to that lady. Sometimes high respect can actually seem like disrespect to a person without enough sense of her own self. I will try to give an example:

    Say I have a hypothetical situation where I am dating a man. He has high respect and regard for me so he likes to do things for me, make suggestions on the best procedure to do things so I don't have to have as much trouble, maybe he fixes little things around the house all the time too. It's easy to see that he is caring for me in the best way he knows how, if you look at it from his perspective.

    Now, in this hypothetical situation, say I have low self esteem. I feel like I can't ever do anything right. So when this man does nice things for me, I think "of course he is going to take over and do everything for me, he knows I can't do anything right, he has no respect for me." And I think that too, every time he fixes something, or gives advice. There is that little voice in my head saying "he doesn't respect me." But it's not HIS problem, it's MY problem, because the root is my own insecurity! So then I might say to him "You don't have any respect for me!" when really he has nothing but respect.

    So maybe your amount of respect isn't at issue, but the way you communicated it to her, and this is important, the way she saw it through her own personal filters.

    Also, regarding judgement: I think there is a difference between being judgemental and just discerning the difference between them so we can continue to exist safely. We judge people's behaviors constantly, we have to. That's why I seperate it out by thinking of it as "judgement vs. discernment." If I see someone in a very snazzy suit with slicked back hair, a crushing handshake and an oily smile, insisting that this car is the VERY BEST car money can buy, and said car has an obvious puddle of radiator fluid under it, I am going to judge that he could be a shyster and be cautious in my dealings. He might prove me wrong, but my gut is going to give me certain information that I should listen to in order to avoid losing my shirt.

    What this all boils down to is, go easy on yourself Dennis. It's good that you are asking these questions. But keep in mind that everybody is seeing things from a different perspective and you might not be as bad as you think.

    'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
    fcl replied to dfromspencer's response:
    Have you ever considered that perhaps the problem lay with the woman? That she had an unrealistic expectations about what respect actually was? That you treat all women differently but that you treat them all with respect nevertheless?
    There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
    dfromspencer replied to smiley2009's response:
    Thanks Smiley! You are right, we have to keep slogging along!

    Thanks again!

    dfromspencer replied to rohvannyn's response:
    Roh, you never cease to amaze me with your intelligence!!! What you say sounds exactly right! I try to respect every woman the same, as I expect to be treated the same?! I do, I keep forgetting that there are some with different interpretations of what my style of respect is? When I am with a woman, any woman, weather we are in a relationship or not, I give them my utmost respect, always!!! To me, women are the most important, I don't want to use this word, I can't think of a replacement, tho, so, I believe women are the most important thing on this planet?!!! Without them, our species could not, would not go on?! Of course, it takes a man, also! LOL!!! But men are rugged, and our ladies are, to me at least, very delicate?!!! They need our love and protection! Just as it was in the beginning, so shall it be again, very soon, I think? Women used to be in charge of the clan, and I think we will have a woman for President very soon?! There are now women Governors, and Mayors, it won't be long now, I may not see it, but we as a species are coming back around to the way it is supposed to be?! Where the woman is valued as the most important thing, and then things will be right in this world, once again!!! I truly believe that!!!

    Your analogy is just perfect, Roh, thank you soooo much for pointing this out to me! This makes perfect sense, now I won't have to be in an agony of introspection!

    Thank you, Roh, thanks for being here!!!

    dfromspencer replied to fcl's response:
    I have now! Thanks to Smiley, Roh, and you, I now have an understanding of why she would say that to me!

    Thank you sooo much, FCL, for being here!!!

    dfromspencer replied to smiley2009's response:
    Hi, again, Smiley!

    I was answering on the other post, yours, and it dawned on me who you was, I am sooo sorry I didn't catch it the first time!!!

    Welcome to our FAMILY!!!! Now, go find you some other communities to become involved with, please? I know you are going to love it here!!!

    Welcome Smiley2009, WELCOME!!!

    Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to fcl's response:
    Dennis, I think Roh and fcl have some very good points. Maybe you'll find them helpful?

    Also, it concerns me that you say you have more respect for women than for yourself. You might want to think more about this. It's important to offer yourself the highest respect -- and if you don't or can't, then to work on understanding yourself better so that you can view yourself with acceptance and compassion. As Buddha or someone else (?) once said, " To understand all is to forgive all."

    Also, you say that you love women. But I'm sure there are some qualities you appreciate and admire in some women (or men, for that matter) that other women lack. So, while you might respect them both, your feelings are not the same. You might find it helpful to pay attention to these differences in opinion and feelings about women, not as a way of judging but as a way of being open to your different perceptions. (I believe this is in line with Roh's comments about discerning vs judging). Then maybe you can answer the question of whether you are really judging a particular woman or just being observant of, and responsive to, her. (I believe this gets to some of what fcl was saying)

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