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    Includes Expert Content
    Low sex drive
    An_255136 posted:
    I have trouble having sex as I have very little desire. My husband had ED & blames me because I have low sex drive. How can I increase the desire
    dfromspencer responded:
    Have you always had a low sex drive? If not, have you asked your doctor, or GYN.??? You could have an hormonal imbalance? It could be a lot of things, and only a doctor can help you?!

    Just because your hubby gets E.D. does not mean it was YOUR fault!!! It is NOT!!! Surly he must know this? If not, he needs help?

    Does your hubby give you any foreplay? Is it satisfactory? Does it drive you wild, and make you wet? It should! Could it be Hubby's fault??? For some reason, I think it is???

    My advice, first, go see the doctor, and the gyn.! Then, you need to communicate with the hubby! You guys need to set down and talk to each other!!! I even suggest you get a counselor!!! A third party could see things from a different angle, and help you more than anything else???

    I wish you lots of luck!!!

    gd9900 responded:
    I went through something similar with my ex early in our marriage. It wasnt easy, I wanted sex with him and the sex was great but my desire to get there...he was there long before I was. It became a problem. I hadnt experienced this before. I asked him for more affection without ending in sex every time. This frustrated him and he requested my help getting him off so he could hold me after. Worked great for him but frustrated me. We had sex during this time period but it wasnt as often as he wanted. We started fighting over it and every time he would say dont worry its ok ill deal with it. I did a full work up at the drs office. Asked them to run any test where low libido might be a symptom. All tests were medical issues. I also went to counseling. No breakthroughs there aside from learning the pressure from our fighting most likely made things much more difficult to figure out or work on, on my end. I started shutting down because of it. I did ask him to stop making me feel guilty. Once he did, in time my sex drive improved. Desire was like it was before. Problem then became he resented me for not desiring him all that time, taking away from his feeling like a man. I'm pretty sure that is when he stopped loving me and one reason why he divorced me six years later. I dont wish you to be ill, but I hope your dr can help shed some light on this for you.
    Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
    To begin with, a man's problem with ED is never simply the result of a woman's low desire. If your husband's problem is related to your low desire, it may be that he struggles with feeling undesirable, but that's something he would need to work through -- though you could help him with that.

    There is a lot that needs to be assessed in a situation like yours. For instance, there's the question of what low desire means to you. Some people call wanting sex twice a week low desire while others think low desire is never really wanting sex. There's the possibility that your low desire is really a matter of mismatch in your libidos. There is also the issue of how men tend to feel aroused and so want sex while women more often want emotional intimacy that leads them to arousal and then finally to wanting sex. So, the problem could be a matter of clarifying expectations and adjusting how you proceed with sex. Finally, you can work together with your husband to increase your arousal. For instance, many women find it helpful to read "steamy" novels or watch romantic movies, enjoy sensual touch (e.g. a foot massage).

    You might also find it interesting to know that the partner most in control of how often a heterosexual couple has sex is the man. If the couple does not have sex often, it is often because he has pulled back and may initiate less. You might consider whether this applies to your marriage. Perhaps his ED is related somehow to you having sex less often?

    Given your struggle with this issue, you might want to seek help from a sex therapist, who can help you (and your husband) assess the problem and develop a plan to overcome it.
    queston replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
    This is a most interesting sentence...

    "You might also find it interesting to know that the partner most in control of how often a heterosexual couple has sex is the man."

    I'm sure you meant to say, "...most typically in control...," right?

    This certainly goes against conventional wisdom. Most married men I know (including myself) seem to believe that it is their wives who are the "deciders" in this regard.

    I've always figured that the lower-libido partner holds most of the cards in this negotiation.

    Could you expand a little what you mean by this?
    Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to queston's response:
    Yes, I did mean most 'typically' in control. Also, I did not mean 'control' as in being controlling. It's just that when men are less interested in sex, a couple's sex follow suit. For instance, it may be because of a lower or diminished libido, concern about sexual performance or issues like ED. Women are less likely than men to push for more sex; or when they do, men are more likely to still stay distant. There are certainly instances of women being less interested in sex, but when men pursue more physical intimacy, women are more likely to try to accommodate.

    By the way, I was also surprised when I learned this.
    rohvannyn responded:
    He's probably using the "use it or lose it" logic, that if a man has less sex he has a harder time getting a good erection? Don't feel bad about that if that's what he is saying. It's what nocturnal erections are for. Don't feel guilty at all, but at the same time it might be fun to get in touch with your body. Find out what pleases you, start exploring also what pleases him, and the others are right, a doctor and a counselor would help too.

    I've found that depression or overwork can cause low desire in both sexes. Stress does it too. So can feelings of shame. Guilt is a great way to kill libido. But you are asking how you can improve your desire.

    Learn what you like, start experimenting. Maybe do a little research. Get more comfortable with the subject of sex, if there is discomfort present. Talk about it with friends you trust, or with him if you can. Also, it doesn't hurt to look at your nutrition. Lack of certain nutrients can really affect desire, as can emotional distress. Desire is in the brain, first and foremost. Maybe your body just isn't used to that kind of pleasure. You can train yourself though, and explore different mindsets.

    All my best to you.

    'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ

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