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    lost love but not completly
    An_255140 posted:
    I am feeling lost because my wife says she loves me but not the same way she used too she says she does not want a divorce or seperation I cant seem too leave it alone witch is driving her further away! I try too leave things alone but I need help for me, I have trust issues since my first marrige. She is one who does not share her feelings unless pushed into anger then things are said out of anger. We used to be a great pair working together then grew away from each other. She is going through menopause and is on hormone therapy with testosterone Im lost feel depressed. She says she needs her space and by bugging her all the time about love and if we will stay together she pulls further away I need to know what to do, what should I do! We only make love about once a month and its good but I would like more like most men she is 51 and I`m 55, any help is appreciated.
    dfromspencer responded:
    This is NOT your first wife, TRUST her!!! Has this woman ever given you any reason to NOT trust her??? If that answer is no, then you ARE pushing her away! Stop it!!! Trust her!

    Why? Why does she have to share her emotions? If she is one of those private people, she will not? Those that do share, do! She is not one of those, right? So, leave her alone! When she wants to share her emotions, I am sure she will come to you!!!

    Give her some space! Don't you feel like you need your space, at least once in a while? Sure, we all need our space! Give her all she needs, she loves you, she is not going to run around! She chose, and is with you, right? So, let her go! Let her have her space!

    Now, what you need to do, and you had better get a move on is, you need to romance your wife!!! It sounds like you are not doing that much, and its the one thing us guys like to stop doing once we marry! We should NEVER stop romancing our wife, EVER!!! Start by a candle light dinner, you do all the work prior to her coming home, or while she is away?! Then do something totally off the cuff, like meet her at the door after work, wearing nothing but a smile? Start that day out with an early, at work text. Say something sweet, and give her a little clue. Say something like, I am going to meet you somewhere tonight! Keep that up throughout the day, but not too much!!! You know what to do, start being more romantic, and that should come back to you in spades?!!!

    I wish you lots of luck!!!

    Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
    What are your trust issues in this situation? Do you think she's seeing another man or looking? Or, do you just fear that she will leave you?

    People who struggle with trust issues can often help themselves by paying attention to what their partner is really doing (not just what they fear their partner might be doing). Then they can start to recognize how the fears in their head are not supported by what they are seeing or directly experiencing. If this is the case for you, you can follow up on this by finding ways to soothe your anxieties and ease your distress.

    You might also find it helpful to think not only about what you are not supposed to do (bug her all the time), but also about what it would be helpful to do. Are there things you enjoy doing alone (that would give her more space)? Then you could do those things and talk with her about your experiences. Are there things you used to do together that you both might enjoy doing again? Are there things that she says she would enjoy doing with you? If so, follow up on this. Are there things she would like to do -- even if she wants to do them alone-- that you could support or encourage somehow? If so, she would probably really appreciate your effort here.

    Finally, given that she is going through menopause, she might be struggling with biological changes in her body, accompanied by a developing new perspective about herself and her life. She might really appreciate it if you would be open to listening to her (without trying to fix). Instead of trying to pry her open with sharply focused questions, you might find it more helpful to ask softer, more open questions or just let her know you are listening. For instance, you might say things like: You seem like something is bothering you. Care to talk about it?; You were really happy about/upset about X yesterday (or last week),how are you doing with it today? If she does not want to talk about something, let it go. Give her the space to share when or if she is ready.

    If any of these suggestions make sense, try them out and please let us know how it goes. If they don't fit or you are unsure about this, please let us know that, too.
    bergy55 replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
    I really tried all the suggestions and things were working fine as a matter of fact really well. My inability to leave things alone and inability to trust and ask constintly who she is talking too or texting has put a rift in things! I know what to do but its the restraint and strength to do it is what I lack! How do I change how do I make this work without making things worse I dont want her to leave it would distroy me because she is the love of my life and allways will be! SPACE SPACE SPACE?!?!? She says I will never change but didnt say she was leaving or wanted a divorce I asked her if she wanted one and no reply except "WELL YOU KNOW!!!!!" It scared the hell out of me!
    dfromspencer replied to bergy55's response:
    Breathe!!! Relax, and take some deep breath's. The world will not end, today! And no, I don't think your wife wants a divorce?! What she wants is space, and you to listen, and be more open to change? Stopping bad habits takes time. Like quitting smoking, it may take several tries, but if you want it bad enough, you will succeed!!!

    Your wife doesn't want, or need you checking on her every move! SPACE!!! She doesn't want you asking a million questions! SPACE!!! Your wife wants to be treated as you would want to be treated?! TRUST HER!!! If she has done nothing to cause you to suspect her, then where is all this mistrust coming from??? If it is from your last marriage, perhaps your wife thinks you are comparing her to the first one? THAT, would cause anyone to be upset!!! No one wants to be compared to an ex-lover!!! TRUST HER!!! Unless, or until she gives you a reason to not, then TRUST HER!!!

    I really hope some of this is helping as you say?! Never stop romancing your wife, she will love you for it!!! Oh, and throw in some of those real long, real deep massages, can't go wrong there!!!

    I wish you great success in your marriage!!!

    pappajn replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
    John Mellencamp sings "life goes on after the living is gone". But life is too short to wait for your relationship to start living again. Some women seem to be content with a sexless relationship siting menopause as the reason. I don't think I could handle all that goes on with a woman's body! But if the roles were reversed or it was not sex but another activity that they both loved (maybe being with their children) just because he has some physical and emotional changes that EVERY man has. After 14 years without any show of affection or intimacy or human touch one can only want answers. If the male in a relationship would only talk about work and for years only kissed his partner 2--3 times a year and when asked about "us" he changed the subject or said nothing at all. Giving a person space means so much to different people. "Leave me the hell alone" is asking for space? I would write a note explaining your thoughts, worries, feelings, and needs asking her not to comment for a couple of days. In this note ask her on a date. You will get your true answer by her reply.
    pamsarris responded:
    Wish I knew some advice to share. I'm kind of in the same boat. Its not my husband who has lost the love and desires his space. His lack of attention or desire...I can't even talk to him unless its about his work and he's dominating the conversation then. He blows up if I try talking about our relationship. So, I quit. He only wants relations of any kind when he wants it, blows up at me or just ignores me if I try initiating. So, I quit that too. And it has pushed me away because I'm tired of licking my wounds. I feel like I'm suppose to be like a Stepford Wife and just take care of his kids and keep them out of his way and sit here and watch life pass me by. So in the course of all of this, I've put a wall around me and distance myself from him and in that token, its dampened much of my feelings for him. I know that doesn't help you.

    What I can offer is this. You stated she is in menopause. I have friends who have been married for almost fifty years, though I'm young enough to be their child. I love what the husband said about his experiences with his wife when she went through 'the change'. He said, "Yep, every year Betty got so mad at me, she would pack up and leave. That wasn't the problem. Problem was, she kept coming back"! Menopause for some of us women sends our hormones on an extended vacation and our minds and bodies go haywire and its hard to deal with. If you couldn't understand us during our childbearing years, its a whole other world now. So maybe, over time she'll come back around.

    I know my comment wasn't much of help. Just hoping you can find peace and strength at this time. You're lucky getting sex once a month, my husband says now he's scared because it makes him feel like all his energy is sapped so he refuses.
    An_255297 responded:
    You sound like a very sincere guy. Take it from another guy who was in the exact same situation about 25 yrs.ago. I'm now 64. i wasted about 2 years of my life trying everything I could to turn my 2nd.marriage around. It was a complete waste of time.i latered realized it wasn't worth an hour of my life to change her mind. For her to say the things she has said to you takes guts. Somewhere along the line you trained her & maybe others, that it is ok to take you for granted. That you'll just accept that it's all your fault & that you should be the one to make all the repairs. The woman you have described is spoiled & self centered. It sounds like you have gone the extra miles to repair this thing,& she resents it.
    The sooner you dump her & move on,I mean file for divorce,the sooner she will find out what the market & competition looks like. Often,thats when they wake up. That's also when they realize you have adjusted & moved on because you did all you could do when the time was right.
    Do yourself a favor & take the control away from her,she can't handle power & really doesn't want it. Once your back in charge you can decide whether you want her back in your life. My bet is you won't. Good Luck.
    dfromspencer replied to pamsarris's response:
    I'm sorry! On behalf of most males on this planet, I am very sorry!!! Most of us do not act this way, nor would we ever consider it!!! Most of us "REAL MEN", would never dream of hurting our significant other that way! A real man would recognize his love was in jeopardy, and do his best to correct that, if he was still in love?!

    It sounds to me as if your hubby wants a slave? He no longer desires you, he tells you what he wants, never asks! He doesn't want you to initiate sex? He tells you when he wants it? I hope you never give it to him?!!! He is such a spoiled snot, self centered ass! WOW!!! How do you stay with that? If he never wants to discuss the marriage, or any of your problems, then he doesn't deserve to have you!!! Someone else does!!! Someone who will love you, cherish you, support you, respect you, everything you!!!!

    If you ask me, your hubby is disgusting?! I never ever want to see a marriage dissolve, but in your case, I take exception?!!! Please do, before you lose all feelings of love?! You deserve so much more than you are getting! He is no 50/50 partner, he is 100% jerk, er, I mean domineering!!!

    I will tell you this, if he doesn't want to talk to you, make him talk to a counseller, or leave? You know it will only get worse! Take him for all he's got! (I would never say that, normally, but this is not normal!) Your situation, has made me very sad! I hate to see a woman, any woman, treated this way?! Its just,,, WRONG!!!! You are still young enough to find another, more suitable, partner?!!! Yep, if your hubby doesn't talk, to you, or a counselor, walk away, take the kids and go! Surly someone would help you?!

    (I secretly hope you leave this ass!)

    Wishing you all the luck in the world!!!

    dfromspencer replied to An_255297's response:
    Wow, what you say is absolutely the truth!!! I also hope he takes charge of the situation, and either leaves, or wakes her up?!

    Great advice, sorry about your marriage, tho!!!

    Good luck, or better luck next time!!!

    mrtim2500 responded:
    Having been together for 33 years and married for 32 of those years, dating a year prior to getting married. I still write my wife love letters..yep..sure do. My wife loves it, I'm not saying your wife will or wont, bey hey...worth a try. I am my wife's second husband, her first died at age 25 from an aneurism, there were a lot of similarities in her first an myself. We were both from northern Pa. me the north west, he from the north central, our birthdays were a year and 2 days apart, there were others, but you get the general idea.

    My wife was not very open with me at first, took a while, but now we are each others best friends. Like one post stated, give your wife some room, if she wants to open up....she will, if she wants you to listen she will make it known. I agree, ya gotta romance her, we do tend to forget that is how we got married in the first place, by romancing our girlfriends. I am I think more of a romantic than my wife is, I like writing letters to her, I just love being with her, yet we each have our own hobbies, she can go and do whatever, and even when I go out of town on one of my yearly excursions..I always call in the evening and talk to her. Just because your wife wants to do things without you, doesn't mean she doesn't love you. If she is doing things with her friends or whatever, let her. I enjoy my guy time, something that being disabled now, doesn't always let me do much of any more. So, when everyone is out of the house, that's my time. I try and get out, visit my best friend for coffee, my wife has her friends from work, she is a teacher assistant and her friends are not necessarily my friends. Not that I don't like her friends, I just don't have anything in common with them.

    Have you had any counseling for your trust issues? Maybe you need some counseling, just sayin. Trust your wife, if you've been married for any length of time, trust her, you will see things change, wont be overnight, but slowly thing will change.
    sluggo45692 replied to mrtim2500's response:
    MrTim, I like your view point.
    An_255297, I understand and appreciate your point of view.
    pamsarris I hope you can get him to return to your relationship or you get out of a bad relationship.
    Thank you Dr. Leslie. You gave this man a home run on advise.

    The OP's wife is going through the change of life. This is an all encompassing change. This will affect her physically and emotionally. He needs to be supportive and caring. Leave her flowers, notes, or gifts. Show her that he's there for her.

    Also if he thinks he's not going to be able to trust her, then they need to get in to some counceling. HIM first. His first marriage, he stated, was broken up due to trust issues. Just because she's not talking to him, doesn't mean she's cheating on him.

    I can also agree if he has tried everything and she still doesn't return his affection, GOOD BYE, A relationship has to have affection. Why be married if you can't get affection from your partner. Not just sex, but affection. Yes Sex Is Important. It really does a number on a man's ego, if the woman he loves, turns her head when he goes to kiss her or pulls her hand away from his.

    Mercy sex is even worse. "Hurry up, I have better things to do" is a really good turn, isn't guys. Your not just having sex by yourself. That's call masturbation. You want her to enjoy it, also. All in all, relationships/marriages are a 50/50, 2way road. Each has to want to be there.

    Good Luck
    dfromspencer replied to mrtim2500's response:
    Hi Mr.Tim,

    I like you! You are just like me, a huge romantic!!! I also did things like that, leave little notes for her to find, just saying I love you, or, have I told you lately just how beautiful you are? Yea, i'm a sap, and I don't care what others think? I learned from women, by watching them, everything we do, I'm watching for the reaction, and yes, you learn. Women are romantics, even if they swear they are not!

    I think your wife is one lucky lady?!!! If only every man would learn from us, eh? There would be a lot of happy women on this planet!!!

    But no, there are still some Neanderthals living amongst us, and they make the rest of us suffer, and their ladies suffer!

    The advice you gave, to the o.p., is awesome! Thanks for tuning in!!!

    purplejasmine responded:
    Being pushed away is usually a sign of disinterest.
    Unfortunately, she may be interested in someone else
    purplejasmine replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
    I had these issues with my husband.He seemed copecetic ,yet indifferent to me.Until I found him chasing a young woman with hearts in his eyes, did I finally see what I already invisioned.....He swears nothing physical happened.....never sW her again and seems to be back in love with me,,,,,,Why do we even consider staying in these situations?
    For me, I love him and cannot destroy my family because of his dalliance.
    However,there will never be the old confident trusting ,loving feelings from before...He ruined it for whatever excitement,sex,fun or love he chased......sad end to a beautiful love we had.

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