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What is He Hiding?
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smiley2009 posted:
Hey guys, it's me again with more questions. With all your wisdom and experience PLEASE help me out with this one. Sorry to vent so long.

Over the weekend, my husband and I were doing normal things around the house, and then all of a sudden he said "i need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right out" and immediately I thought, "he's going to text her while in there". This was his habits in the past when he cheated. He would delete the text before he came out. While he was in there I went into action and went through his work bag. At first I only found old work schedules and was about to end my search when I found the document that changed everything.

His supervisor met with him and discussed his performance on the job. The current assessment was perceptions of the other employees that he gives his "female co-worker" (the one he cheated with) special privileges. The examples were using his office for personal use, hours that fit her schedule, and allowing her to leave early. My husband is in management so he is her supervisor. There's more...he doesn't help other employees if they're short of staff, but assist her when needed. These complaints were back in October!! He instructed him in November to correct this and my husband didn't. His supervisor warned that he treat all employees the same. There were other issues, with budget, etc, but this was the main focus.

I started to shake, the tears welled up in my eyes...I was beginning to heal and now this mess. I asked "WHAT IS HE HIDING?" Does his feeling go deeper than he letting on? He said that things happened with her recently, but now I have proof that it may have started three months ago!!

Get this, after the meeting with his supervisor the next day he was in the hospital!! I thought I caused his stress...it was the meeting that sent him there.

I didn't confront him, just continued to smile and be the 'GOOD WIFE'. I may need to watch that show, should have the first time he cheated. He said, "Baby, you don't want to watch that show, we are trying to move on." So I agreed with him and didn't watch it.

There's more guys...on Sunday he was called into work due to HER calling out. She called early that morning but it was a 'restricted number'. He didn't answer in front of me. This was a big deal, because she always was the ideal employee. I remember in the past him telling me he was training her to supervise when he wasn't there. Now, she was calling out, making his job difficult. Is she mad at him?

Due to our transportation issues he takes the bus, cab, or calls family to get to work. He told me a former male employee would bring him home. I said ok, but knew something was't right. The male employee doesn't work there anymore, and why would he go out of his way to bring him across town at 9pm on a Sunday? My husband didn't even have gas money on him to give...who would be that nice to give a ride?
It had to be her...
.... am I going over the edge and need to let all this go? I'm still investigating my husband and don't like what I'm discovering.
Reply
 
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dfromspencer responded:
Hi Smiley,


Well, it could be nothing, it could be something??? My gut instinct tells me he has not stopped with her??? He is only being sneakier with her now, than before you caught him! I am so sorry!!! I just hope my gut is just hungry, not right?


You have been through so much already, I don't know how you can hold it together like you do??? But listen, this is old paper work, so it could be nothing? But, isn't there always a but? He may be sneaking in the bathroom to text her? He may be getting rides from her, and this calling in on Sunday? And him telling you about this "Former Male Employee" willing to give him a free ride home??? All that does is, RAISE my suspicians? Does he think it would not raise yours? He doesn't think you are very smart, does he? Use that against him!!! I don't know how to, yet, but I may figure something out for you? Think on that yourself, you may come up with something before I do???


I don't know what to say? It is guys like this, that make me feel as if I have done something wrong!!! I hope you can understand how so many males can stray? Its something to do with our D.N.A. or something like? It makes the male of our species highly attracted to females for procreation reasons, which over our history has morphed into lusting after more than one woman. Some men are perfectly happy staying faithful to one woman. Other men, just cannot be faithful at all? Perhaps you married the latter???


Again, I fell so sorry for you! I wish I could help more, but I cannot! All I can do is say, "Watch your Back, and him"!!!


I wish you luck!!!


Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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smiley2009 replied to dfromspencer's response:
Thanks for all you do Dennis. I'm sure everyone on this site appreciates your friendship and advice. The paper work was done on 1.15.14. The current assessment gave dates of a previous meetings dating back to November. His Supervisor discussed his behavior with her at that time and was meeting to discuss it on 1.15.14 once more. So, in other words, he was giving her special treatment for awhile.
He must think I've let my guard down because he's not in the best health. Enough playing games with my heart. I deserve better than this.
I'll be okay Dennis...I am stronger than I realize and may have to confront him. I just needed to vent on this site. I haven't told anyone about this (family or friends). I feel they will judge him and hold it against him forever. If we stay together, their influence may cause harm. Have a blessed day!
 
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fcl replied to smiley2009's response:
This is going to sound brutal but ... if you have any hope of keeping your couple together he has to stop lying to you, he has to stop working with her, and you both need to make an appointment for counselling to get this out in the open with a third party and work through it. It's the only way you will ever be able to stop wondering and worrying. It is going to take a huge amount of work to get through this and I doubt you will be able to do it without a third party.

Make an appointment today and tell him you want him to go with you. If he won't go then go alone - it will help you sort through the issues and define your priorities. It might also make him realize what he stands to lose.

Good luck.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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smiley2009 replied to fcl's response:
Amen to that FCL! Thanks for telling it to me straight.


I did put in the terms that he is to seek counsel for a year and determine why he cheats. It doesn't add up? He always speaks highly of me to others, often promotes my business and says he's astonished of how I take care of the kids and work. What went wrong? He has to take that journey of self discovery and answer some tough questions. I need to look within myself and figure out why I stayed after he cheated the first time...I know my answer...it was the kids. No child should grow up in a broken home, but I've sacrificed so much by staying.

Thanks FCL.
 
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rohvannyn replied to smiley2009's response:
At the same time that no child should have to grow up in a broken home, no child should have to grow up thinking they have to allow their spouse to treat them poorly. It sounds like you are being proactive in this situation and that's great. It sounds also like you are committed to making this work. The question is, how does he become committed too? How does he internalize the reality that he can't just pretend and be sneakier so you don't notice? Maybe lay the papers you found on the coffee table? If he complains about you sneaking around and snooping, then confront him about being untrustworthy? Sounds like he needs to be swatted with the salmon of knowledge.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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smiley2009 replied to rohvannyn's response:
Wow, so true Roh...that statement about 'no child growing up thinking they have to allow their spouse to treat them poorly' shook me.
As a woman, I have to set an example for my daughter, who is a small child. When she gets older and dates, how can I offer advice if I allow my husband to treat me this way? My son is small as well, and I don't want him thinking that he can get away with cheating like his father. I was going to keep this a secret, never letting them know what their father did...but why cover for him? Why should I continue to protect him, when he hasn't done the same for me? The one person that should be loyal is your true love, especially when you're married.
I have to become tougher and let him know I'm smarter than he thinks. "take a bow" just like the song by Rihanna sings...I went searching for music that spoke to me. I don't normally listen to her, but this song was so true.
Thanks Roh.
 
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dfromspencer replied to smiley2009's response:
Hi Smiley,


I hope all this means you will be strong, at least for the children, if not yourself? If I were you, I would see a lawyer, get the divorce papers, and lay them on the coffee table for him to see!? Tell him, and make sure he gets it, tell him if you ever so much as suspect he is seeing this woman, or any other, or so much as talking to her, he will sign those papers, immediately!


Nothing like the fear of losing everything to wake a man up?


I hope for YOUR sake, he never has to sign them?!!!!!!!!!


D.
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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sluggo45692 replied to dfromspencer's response:
Hey Smiley,

I hope it's getting better. Be very careful about the other woman. Your husband was/is her supervisor. If she wants to get nasty, she can. Your husband is a complete idiot. A sexual harrasment law suite against him and the company he works for can ruin you. "He was my supervisor and told me that I had to have sex with him to keep my job." Does that sound like he was very smart. The company is covered with the evaluations and could fire him if he keeps it up.

When you confront him, make sure you have all the facts and paperwork in order. This started over 3 months ago. His stressor are going to increase if he doesn't change his ways. Remind him also, if he keeps the stressors coming, you'll enjoy his death benefits and his children will grow up with out a father. Even a cheating example of a father is better than no father. He just won't be living in the same house.

My mother told me, later in life, of the crap my father put her through. They divorced when I was 9. He would get drunk (drinking up his check) and whoring around the bars with his buddies. He's 74 years old, is still a drunk and would mount any woman who would have him. He's my father and I love him. I know I can't change him, but I know I won't be him. I'm very glad to still have him. He was an example of what I didn't want to be.

I hope this helps

Good Luck
 
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smiley2009 replied to sluggo45692's response:
Nice to hear from you Sluggo! Hope your week was great. Yo are right, my husband was not smart at all in this situation.

Update on my drama...we don't need to watch TV when you have this site, right? There's enough drama in real life.

I asked him general questions about his work environment, each time mixing it up with other topics but coming back to what I really needed to know. The goal was to know if he would simply open up to me without pressure.
I figured out something to do Dennis!

I didn't let on I already knew he had issues with work. He sugar coated all of it, didn't even mention that his staff had issues with his relationship with 'her'. I asked in different ways, "so the week you went into the hospital, did anything happen with your supervisor that caused your blood pressure to be high?" He just brushed it off, "no, not really, he's so immature and there's politics at work" kind of response. I asked four different times, and he told half truths. I asked, "how is your relationship with your staff, do they like you." The same sugar coated response, "they don't take their job seriously and call out a lot." Not fully giving info is still deception. I recorded the conversation on my phone for evidence later.
I will now resort to what Roh suggested and lay the papers out this weekend and see what he shares with me...In case we head for divorce (I truly hope it doesn't happen) I need to gather all this information for my lawyer. I gave him an opportunity to be honest without pressure and he failed. Like FCL said, he needs to stop lying to make this work.
He is determined to leave this job within the next three weeks and 'put his family first' he told me.
To be continued....have a great weekend everyone!
 
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dfromspencer replied to smiley2009's response:
Hi Smiley,


Thanks for the update!!! Sorry your hubby failed so miserably! You have given him chance after chance to prove himself, and he blows it off?! Wow! Well, at least you recorded it, and I hope you have copies of copies, in case he grabs those and tries to destroy the evidence?! (The copies of his report from work?) Always make copies of copies, and keep them somewhere secure, off premises would be great!!! Let someone know that; if anything should happen between the two of you, they should let him know of the copies?!


I am glad you are getting a lawyer, you will need one, it looks like? But, what is this he's going to quit his job in three weeks? I hope like all get out he has a backup? The job market is pretty bad, in case he hasn't noticed? I sure hope he has that covered, or you may end up paying some bills yourself??? With getting a lawyer, that could be bad, unless you have a nice nest egg to borrow from?!


So much negativity for you this Super Bowl Weekend? Sorry about that!!!


Smiley, I hope you have a great weekend, also!!!!


Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!


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