Can you share with us what you fight about; the trust issues? How often you break up? The more details we have it will help with how experts like Dennis, Sluggo, Roh, FCL, and more respond. They will give great advice, so please feel free to share with us. We will support you always. I'm in the same situation now, read my past post. I didn't hold back on the details and this site really helped me. Dr. Leslie Becker-Phelps commented as well. Let's talk!
Thanks Smiley for the vote of confidence. Without seeing the problem, here's a general note.
A good relationship has to have 3 things. Respect for each other, Trust of each other, and Security with each other. Out of the 2 sentences you posted, your in a bad relationship. If your not married, it may not even be worth saving.
Please don't be one of those people who keeps thinking "oh, they won't cheat on me again" or "they won't hit me again" or the really good one "they only do it when their high/drinking" They'll change if I (alone) keep trying to keep us together. It takes 2 to make a relationship work, no matter what the relationship is.
We fight about several things. He has two friends in an "open" marriage and it bothers me that he asks them for realtionship advice, There have been instances where I will wake up in the middle of the night and he will be on the phone with someone. He constantly watches pornography and is on sex websites. He always has some excuse or explanation, or turns it around like I am the crazy paranoid one. I guess I just feel that while if just one of these things were happening seperately it would be tolerable but all of them together makes me feel insecure. We fight about twice a month, broke up a few times in a little over a year.
Sound like the trust and the respect is gone. As for the advise he gets from his "open" marriage friends, they're married and your not. Their partners want to live that way, and you don't. What advise do they have that will benefit you. It's ok for them to sleep around. You don't want to have that kind of relationship.
There's no trust. You've caught him in the middle of the night on the phone. There's no respect. He constantly watches porn and I'm sure he's paying for the sites. Your fighting 2x a month and you've broken up a few (more than 3) times in over a year. Honey, I think it's time to move on. He wants an open relationship, then give it to him. Leave him.
He's broken 2 of my golden rules for a relationship. He doesn't respect you, You can't trust him, and he wants to see other people. He doesn't want to be there. If you work it out, great. If you don't, it's only be a year of your life. Live for you and your peace of mind, not stressed and worried. That's not love.
Thanks for sharing with us Lel! I knew you would start getting advice!
Sluggo is right...please walk away. Why do you stay? We both must ask ourselves this question? When someone mistreats us emotionally or physically, why would we accept that behavior? Is it a form of attachment? Dependency?
In my case, I feel I've become dependent on my husband. During my pregnancies, I was on bed-rest for 7 months (two times), and my family did everything for me. I believe a label was placed upon me, "she can't do it on her on, let me help." I was very independent before all that, but had to let that go and put my kids before myself. My kids wouldn't be here today if I didn't 'let go'. Now, I'm fighting to dismiss that label and it's hard. What labels have been placed upon you? Dig deep...the answers will come to the questions above. Read everyone's advice...they are experts.
So glad you came back, and shared some more! Like Sluggo and Smiley have said, your trust of this guy is pretty much non-existent, right? Well then, don't you think its time to cut this guy out of your life? You cannot have a decent life with someone you cannot trust!
Someone is guilty of something, when they turn things around on you?! Why else would they? That is one way a sneaker behaves! Once caught, they immediately turn it around on you, and try to make you feel guilty, when there is no reason for you to be! This guy is an manipulator! A user, an abuser! Get out, there is nothing you can do for him!!!
You know already, there is no way to change a person, when they don't want to change, right? Well, there's your answer! He will always do this to you, after you let him once, he will never stop!!! This is exactly how he wants you, INSECURE, that way, he can manipulate you easier!!!
Please, if you value yourself above being used, then move on?! Don't let yourself be manipulated by anyone, PLEASE? I think you already know this relationship is doomed? You wanted to hang in there, and make him change to fit your idea of a boyfriend. Sorry, he proved that is not happening!
Please, keep your dignity, and walk out of his useless life!!! I'm sure you have some family or friends that could help you, till you get back on your feet?! Its time for you to use them, that is why they are friends! They have probably used you one time or another? That's what friends do!!!
While I feel like I am beating a dead horse here, I guess here is my issue. If I left every relationship that there was no trust in, I would have no relationships whatsoever. It has always been an problem for me, and I don't know how to fix it. I am not close to anyone in my family and do not have any close friends. I have never had any good relationship role models in my life, so I am unsure as to what a "normal" relationship is supposed to be.
My boyfriend does not want to break up, never has, always says we just need to "work it out", but nothing ever gets worked out. I know the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, and that's what it feels like.
You feel the issues are with you and not with your bf. You say you have never had a trusting relationship with anyone. Identifing the problems are the first step in fixing them.
I don't know what your position is, but find someone close by to talk to. A councelor, a church leader, or a mental health professional. Find some one locally to help resolve your trust issues. It will make your life a lot easier. Look on line for some local help. Then get bf involved with it.
In any relationship, you have to work together. If only one of 2 are working, it will never get done.
Like Sluggo has said, you need help, and so does your B.f.! First, you have had no positive role model in relationships? Have you ever watched television, or love stories say in movies? They are probably a lot closer than you two are?! You also say you have a trust issue? That also needs worked on, before you will ever have a stable relationship?! Trust is one of the major biggies, it ranks right up there with Communication!!!
You need help, and we can't help you with that, you will have to see what you can find, locally?! Counselling is a must! You need it for relationship advice, and also some for your trust issue?! You may need two different counsellores??? You B.F. needs at least one, if not many?! He also needs to learn how to communicate, and not place blame on you, for what he does!!! Making you the guilty party is not right, it is actually a very rotten thing to do to someone you profess to love?! He needs to go to counseling with you, or call it off now, before he gets worse?!!!
Just remember this; you cannot change him, he has to want it! So, if he refuses counseling, then he is basically telling you to F.O.!!! I hope you know this?!
Ok, enough getting down on you, it is only to help open your eyes. I only wish you a happy, love and trust filled life!!!
Great articles Dr. Leslie! Please read them Lel...
I discovered how my husband's cheating caused changes in how I relate to him. I went from Secure Attachment to Fearful-Avoident Style. I felt 'safe' and secure with my husband, and that took time after he cheated the first time. Then after he cheated again, that was erased. When he says he loves me, I think "how can you say that and still cheat?" I have thoughts of, "what was missing from me that he sought it from someone else?" That can cause anyone to feel fearful-avoident. Cheating causes long-term damage.
In the second article about changing your attachment style, I have to document these thoughts and reactions to my husband. Keep a journal of progress made or if none was made at all. Having self-awareness is key.
Just to clarify, is the main reason why you can't trust your partner internal to you, or because of his behavior?
I ask because I have had difficulty learning to trust, not because of bad behavior of the partner, but because of a lack of confidence on my part. If you have a basic lack of trust regardless of his behavior, it can be really easy to misinterpret honorably intended actions. Not saying that you are wrong, it's just another factor to consider.
Roh, the articles I linked to give a basic explanation of attachment styles. Having an insecure attachment style can lead you to lack trust and fear being rejected -- even when your partner is not doing anything to cause this. Given what you are saying, you might find it helpful to learn more about attachment styles, consider how particular styles seem to describe you, and what you can do to help yourself nurture a healthier, more secure one. That said, I think that you will find that much of this information fits with what you've been learning in this community and what you've been doing to try to help yourself.
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