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Stressed out
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lakiyaih posted:
I have been in a relationship with my husband for four years. We just got married last June, and already we are getting a divorce. The problems are many, but mainly it's about two things. My husband is the main bread winner and if he gets mad, he'll tell me to get out. It's been going on as long as we've been living together. My husband was very emotionally abusive in the past, I mean like not talking to me for weeks at a time, ignoring me and my feelings. Finally I got fed up with him and dumped him. He lasted two weeks and I told him no more. Well now things are going back that way. The most recent example is his dog. I cannot say anything negative about his dog. I just said how annoying it is when we are eating and the dog stares at you. He flips out and tells me his dog comes first and if I don't like I can leave. Also, we don't have sex. I mean in four years we've probably had sex less than 15 times. He has ED and refuses to take pills. When I bring it up he just changes subject or tells me to find another man. He ignored my birthday and we got into a big fight and he said who cares it's your bday. I tell him he hurts me, but just says I'm being dramatic. I can't afford to move, but I'm sick inside. I don't see things changing, but am embarrassed to tell anyone we're getting divorce. Can this marriage be saved. I don't want to live like this
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sluggo45692 responded:
I'm glad you have see the light. You got married, he didn't change. Marriage always makes a bad relationship worse. I'm sorry, but he has no respect for you. I lived with this type of person for the last 10 of the 19 years of my marriage. Sex was a chore and she didn't like to do chores. Her cigarettes and coffee was more important than me. I buy her flowers, I got "What the F*** is that for?" Not thank you.

He has to be in control and he has the check book. He doesn't want to change for you. Like you said the dog is more important.

Don't be embarressed about getting a divorce and moving out. You'll be suprised how many people seen it before you did. What other people think is NOT important. Do they sign your check, do they feed you, or do they have to put up with the crude your husband puts you through? NO. You'll find a lot of support out there, if your willing to work and be on your own.

When I'm in a relationship, I want sex. If he won't even try, it's time to go.

All in all, It's up to you. What do you want to live with or without?

Good Luck
 
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fcl responded:
"Can this marriage be saved"

My question is - "what is there to save?"

I can understand that you don't want to live like this. Who on earth would want to live with someone who treats you like dirt, who considers you to be less important than his dog, who refuses intimity with you, who is rude to you, who disrespects you, and who considers you to be disposable. This is not a marriage. This is not even a "relationship" in the positive sense of the word.

I don't understand the part about you dumping him. Did you actually leave or did he? You say he lasted for 2 weeks ... what do you mean "lasted"? Lasted at what? What happened after the two weeks?

You've known him for 4 years and (reading between the lines) things have always been like this. So what do you think is going to change? If you're getting a divorce then apparently he doesn't feel he wants to save your marriage. It takes two people to make a marriage work. You can't do it on your own. If I were you, I'd make an appointment with a counsellor who can help you sort out your issues and fix your priorities and goals. Being able to speak to someone on the outside can be incredibly helpful and comforting.

Picture your life in 10 years time. How do you see yourself? Personally, I would view a divorce as a release from this. When it's over you'll feel as if a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders and you'll wonder why you put so much effort into all of this.

The bottom line is that we all have the right to be happy but it's up to each and every one of us to find what it takes to be happy and go after it. We can't expect other people to make us happy - that's our responsability. What will it take for you to find your happiness?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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dfromspencer responded:
Can this "MARRIAGE"? be saved???


What marriage are you talking about? You don't have a marriage! No, what you have is an abusive ahole telling YOU how its going to be! You have an incredibly insensitive beast who thinks his animal is more important than you!


What marriage???


I agree with the first two posters, you are in a rotten situation, and YOU cannot change him, or this situation! GET OUT!!! NO ONE is going to give you any guff over this insensitive brute!!! They will probably cheer for you?! YEA, you finally dumped that loser!!! Yea, now lets go find a good time!!!


You are, like FCL said, responsible for your own happiness! YOU need to let go! If you ask me, it is you that is holding on to this, this, this I don't even know what to call this thing you are with?! Let it go!!! Pack your things and go!!!


You must have someone who can help you out, till you can get back on your feet again?! If not, then there has to be a women's shelter around? You may not have been beat with fists, or whatever comes to hand, but you have been emotionally battered?! Same thing!!! A shelter can help you in sooooo many ways!!! They can even help you find a job, or retrain for another job?! Counseling, yep, they have lots of that for you!!! Go, get out! There is NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING in that situation that is good for you!!!


You can't change him!!! No one can but him! He has proven to you several times now, that he will never change! GET OUT!!!


I hate to see any relationship dissolve, but this is no relationship! You have none of the things that makes a relationship work! Sorry, but I still say; GET OUT!!!


I hope you listen to the advice you are given, and GET OUT!!! WE will be here to support you!!!


Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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noquitters responded:
I believe there is a much deeper side of this relationship that either one or both are not dealing with. It is called laying all cards on table and lets get honest and discuss. Giving up, will just start a circle of continue same situations for both, until the circle is brokern. It is time to get some Coaching on how to communicate.
 
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lakiyaih replied to noquitters's response:
Thank you everyone for your tough love. I just want to let you know that I do realize that I need to get my life together without this toxic relationship. My problem was that my self esteem was low when I first met my husband. I was a struggling single mom with little help from my child's father. I sold my soul for what I thought would be a stable life for me and my daughter. It was anything but that. It was complete pain for me. Like I mentioned, my then boyfriend wouldn't talk to me for weeks at a time. I had to walk on eggshells with him. What I failed to mention was that he started traveling for work our second year together. That's when I moved in with him. It was nice when he was gone. I'd watch his dog, and pay the bills and take care of his house. Just last year he was gone for nine months straight. He would pay for me to come see him once a month. He was great. Like I said earlier in my post, I did dump him before he left for those nine months. I was turning 40 and sick of his crap. I stopped speaking with him and made plans to move out that month. He apologized and said he would change. Initially I did not want to marry him, but he convinced me things would get better. Well he's been home since September and things are horrible. I know people think I'm holding on for love, but I really have no one here. Plus my daughter would have to leave her school and be uprooted and live where? My car? I know the environment is not healthy for her, she now actually is real disrespectful to me as well. She tells me that this isn't my house its my husbands when I discipline her. Also, my husband will get mad at me, but will never help me with her. She's getting in trouble in school. She is only 11, but I need to nip that in the bud. I was under the impression he would help me with her. She listens to him and they are close. I'm left out in the cold. I know things right now are bad, and if I didnt have daughter I'd rather sleep in my car (I live in south florida) but I do. Just don't know how to get out. I have no one here and I don't make a lot of money. I do pay for all me and my daughters expenses, but don't have enough left to get decent apartment. I do have insurance (did I mention I just had both hips replaced at the same time in September?) so I will seek counseling.
 
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smiley2009 replied to lakiyaih's response:
Someone wise told me yesterday to create normalcy first for myself, then my husband and children. It starts with YOU. If you have low-self esteem then your daughter picks up on that and uses it against you. She learned this behavior from your husband. Daughters see how their father's treat their mothers and sometimes accept that as normal whether its good or bad.
In my post "what is he hiding?" it was mentioned that my children may think that what my husband did to me is acceptable behavior, if I don't hold him accountable. He cheated on me twice and I turned the other cheek...yes, my confidence has been damaged and the hurt is deep.
Think about your child, how she may view men and the way they should treat her when she gets older. You will become stronger with counseling and demonstrate that ALL women deserve respect. You are her mother and no one can destroy that bond. She needs to see you as the victor and not the victim.
Let's both become VICTORS together and not let anyone run over us. I wish you only the best in life...stay true to yourself.
 
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lakiyaih replied to sluggo45692's response:
Thank you. You're right. I knew deep down in my heart that this is not normal. I just needed to know that i wasn't crazy or weird like my husband says I am. I'm moving forward. Again, thank you.
 
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fcl replied to lakiyaih's response:
Find out where your local women's shelter is and go and talk to them. Explain your situation and ask them what resources are open to you. You might find that staying there is preferable to staying where you are and it would at least give you a starting point.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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dfromspencer replied to lakiyaih's response:
Hi again, PLEASE DO WHAT FCL. HAS ADVISED, AND DO IT QUICKLY!!! This man has been emotionally abusive to you (in the past) as you put it, the next logical step being physical, right? Right!


You need to think about yourself first, then your daughter!!! What is he starts that emotionally abusive crap with your daughter??? The next logical step being physical, what are you going to do?


Seek that counseling in the local women's shelter, please?!!!


Any man that can, and has put his animal in front of his Gf., is no good for any woman!!! This man is what I call a "Closet Bigot". He only uses his bigotry in small doses, so no one notices. Or, once he has someone, he can then use it at will!!! He has used it on you, why stay with someone who puts his animal in front of the one he professes to love???


I'm sorry, but stability does not cut it! He is an abuser, he is a user (he uses you as a dog/house sitter while he is gone), and not this nice guy you claim he is?! I see a totally different guy than you see?! I think the rest posting here does too?


Please, for your own sanity, and that of your daughter, go to a women's shelter? They will be happy to help you!!!


I hope you chose the right path, I know that, you know the right path!


Best of luck to you and your daughter!!!


Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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An_255110 responded:

Don't be embarrassed about getting a divorce, hell be embarrassed if you stay with him because the way he treats you is terrible. he WILL not change WITHOUT outside help so if he won't go then you go!!!! Give him that ultimatum.


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