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smiley2009 posted:
2 Questions:

When a man in his early 40s says to his wife that sex isn't at the top of the list of priorities, what does that mean? (those were his exact words)

{I am in my mid 30s, so there is an age gap. We are raising young kids, chaotic work schedule, always bills to pay. Keep in mind, he cheated on me twice (emotional affair so he claims). His sex drive has always been stronger than mine until the last three months. He admitted that he had a 'thought' of being with the other woman sexually. I'm at the stage in my life where I want to be close to him; and he's doesn't initiate anymore. I'll flirt with him, and he'll just smile and say, "something is about to happen," and nothing does! He has health issues at the moment (high blood pressure; kidney), but that happened recently.}

The second question is...my husband says he loves me; but my love for him is obviously different because I'm faithful. How can a cheater say he/she loves their spouse, yet their actions speak louder?


Thanks in advance!
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dfromspencer responded:
First answer; he is at the age of reason. He now considers work, pay, promotions, job security, all those other things we sometimes take for granted? Sex just doesn't rank right up at the top anymore!


Second answer; A man, or woman, can still love someone more than anything else in the whole world, and still cheat?! So, saying "I love you" is just natural.


Sorry, I know you wanted to hear something else, but this is just the way it some times goes, especially for those in upper management positions?


I agree with you, faithful is what its all about, if you truly love someone?!!!


I hope you have a great day!!!


Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
You are obviously in a very painful situation, and I'm sorry for your pain. I can understand wanting some definite answers. However, when people have questions, like yours, about what their partners mean when they say something and struggle with issues of trust, usually the best solution is to increase their communication in a healthy way. This means talking through question and doubts and fears. It means finding a way to support each other through all of this.

In more direct answer to your questions:

What does he mean by sex not being at the top of his priorities? Well, it can means a number of things. Maybe he has a low libido, maybe his health is affecting his libido, maybe he is directing his energies more toward work, or -- as you fear, maybe he is having an affair. To truly find out the answer, you will need to learn more from him.

How can a cheer say he/she loves their souse, yet their actions speak louder? People have all kinds of motivations for cheating. They might be angry with their spouse, feel disconnected from their spouse, be bolstering their self-esteem with an extramarital affair, used extremely poor judgment in response to a strong temptation... you get the idea. But whatever the reason, their actions are not loving toward their spouse, and this is a big problem. So, again, to understand your husband's motivations and whether he really does love you and what that exactly means, you will need to talk with him.

You may find that these questions and concerns are too hard to effectively address alone, and so you might find that couple therapy is essential in moving forward in healing your marriage (if that's a direction you'd like to go in).
 
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smiley2009 replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
Thank you Dr. Leslie for the support. I am in a lot of pain, and know the steps I must take. I can seek answers from him, but he doesn't understand why he cheats. Either he is being dishonest or really doesn't know. He has always been loving and supportive of our family, so it baffles me that this is the direction he takes.
His words say one thing, but his actions say another.
He agreed to seek help with a counselor and I will also. The answers will come over time. I hope you have a great weekend.
 
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smiley2009 replied to dfromspencer's response:
Thanks Dennis. There are no more words to say, only that time will heal and the answers will come. I am now focused on my needs and how to prepare for the next step. If we stay married, counseling is very important to stay on track. If we divorce, I will be fine knowing I did everything to to save the marriage. Have a great weekend.
 
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An_255110 responded:
I think before you even step foot into a counselor's office you need to ask yourself a few questions 1. Is my marriage worth saving? 2. Does your husband want to make your marriage better? or is he just staying out of conviences? 3. What is your self worth? You need to answer these questions first. I understand the sex life is your concern but I believe that is just a surface issue to a much deeper problem in your marriage that your husband and you are both unaware of. Godd luck to you. I personally don't believe in divorce unless there are no other alternatives so I don hope you can work through this together.
 
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sluggo45692 responded:
Hi Smiley,

1) This man has a lot to answer for. I wouldn't be surprised if he put sex on the back burner. He cheated on you. I know you need loving, but he needs to work his way into your bed.

As you said, things are chaotic. His boss coming down on him for his actions at work, Lying to you, Keeping another person satisfied. Blood pressure meds now after being in the hospital. Sex might not be high priority because he might not have the energy or drive he had before. Yea, I'm throwing him under the bus, but he's a fool. He should want to show you how much he loves you, physically and emotionally. He also may feel his not worthy of you yet. (He isn't)

Check his meds to see if there are any sexual side effects. They may lower his pressure and he might no be able to function as well as before. He might be embarrassed he can't get it up.

2) He can still love you. Your the mother of his children, his life partner, and lover. You have faith he loves you and he has to prove it over and over to you for you to believe him. Just because he made a mistake, doesn't means he doesn't still love you. It means he's human. "To error is human, but to forgive is divine."

I can not say I still love my ex, because believe me I DON'T. I'm a very different person than you. I'm very cyinical in gerneral and not to forgiving toward her. Each of us have to decide what we are willing to forgive and what we're going to accept as love. I know you'll make the right decision for you. I also hope he sees you as the good woman and wife you are. No one is perfect, but it's something we must strive for every day.

Good Luck
 
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smiley2009 replied to An_255110's response:
Thanks, I agree with you. I have asked these questions over the last few weeks. I told him that he 'loves' me, but is not 'in love' with me. I told him that my love for him wouldn't even allow me to think of sharing intimate things with someone else. He keeps saying that he loves me. I told him, there is a difference, you can't tell me you love me and then text your co-worker intimate things seconds later. That is not true love.
You can't lay beside me in bed, knowing that you held hands with the other woman early that day. That is not true love.
I'm not too concerned with our 'sex' life at the moment because being with him will be different now. That response he gave reflected the the three months before I found out he was cheating. I asked him what happened to his sex drive, and he gave that answer.
I don't believe in divorce either, and gave him chance after chance to change. My kids and I deserve better and I want to be a role model that this behavior is not acceptable.
 
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smiley2009 replied to sluggo45692's response:
Hey Sluggo, he currently isn't taking medicine right now. His doc prescribed aspirin and that's all. I guess his doc believes he can maintain normal blood pressure through diet and low stress for the time being.
Sex at the moment is not my main concern, but it was during the months prior to knowledge of his cheating. That was the response he gave me when I questioned him about why he wasn't interested in me.
You are right in that he loves me because I'm the mother of his children, etc. As I mentioned in my other post, he loves me but is not in love with me. My love for this man runs deep, and is unconditional. He knows I love him this way, and that my love will not change no matter what he does. He says that he is in fear of loosing me each day, and that he's working hard to make things better.
I'm so tired...at the point that going through this journey of healing is not something I look forward to. I've been on this road before and healed over time. I don't look forward to checking his phone, wondering where he is, and if he's being honest. We should be at a different point in our marriage, and now we have went backwards. This is what you do when you're dating, getting to know someone...I'm so tired.
 
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dfromspencer replied to smiley2009's response:
Hi Smiley,


Again, sorry for the way you have been treated by your hubby! Thank goodness, not all men are created equal in behavior patterns, right? What a world that would be! I love the fact that we are all different! Makes for a more wonderful world!


Time!!! In time you will have forgiven him, and he will have changed for the better, you will once again make love with your husband! There is no doubt, we are a forgiving people! Yes, in good time, all in good time!


Allow for the little missteps, but never allow big mistakes! If he should change his behavior back to that of loving hubby, forgive him! If he does not, and continues to carry on with little reguard for you, or his family, get him!!! Get him for all you can!!! A cheater is not worth your time, or energy!


I hope you had a fine weekend?!


D.
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!


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