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The Next Step?
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smiley2009 posted:
Hey everyone, it's been awhile since I've had the chance to comment on this site. My husband has been home this week due to leaving his job. I've read comments from everyone and I'm glad most of you are doing well. Great job Roh on your break through! I read the post from "Happy President's Day."

My heart is breaking over and over again while my husband continues to lie. Remember that I wrote how I wanted my husband to give something from his heart on V-day? He gave me chocolate covered lips...that's not what hurt, it's that he didn't put thought into it, no e-card, poem or anything to go along with it. After what he's put me through you would think he would go all out? He did more for the kids and they were so happy. He apparently went to work that day, but didn't call me or anything. Came home late on V-day. I believe he was with her. Why not keep in touch? He informed me that was his last day at work. I thought we would have more time to prepare, and he could transition to another job. I think he was fired? Remember his poor work performance meeting with his supervisor?
That's what made me inform my family of what's been happening lately. I didn't tell them about the cheating, only that I don't trust his decisions. They are supporting me 100%. This helps make it easier now.
We had a great day Wednesday, I felt so close to him and he was very affectionate. It was too good to be true, but I fell for it. I love him so much. I feel foolish now, because he left yesterday morning at 9am and didn't call me until 6pm. He was working on a new job project with a company, but that shouldn't interfere with him calling me. I even asked him to keep in touch because I need to build my trust with him again. He said ok, but didn't honor that. When he got into the house, still catches the bus (I assume), he said his battery was going dead and he was so busy with the project. It was a stressful day, he said. I told him, the man I used to know would find a way to call me no matter what happened. I broke down in front of him, locked myself in the bathroom and cried so hard. That startled him, made him knock hard on the door. That was it for me everyone...I'm done with this marriage.
I latter checked his phone, knowing that he can wipe it clean before he gets home. There was nothing in the text or phone history. No surprise there. He even had the nerve to leave it out in plain sight while he slept. It was as if he was taunting me, "Go ahead and check it. You won't find out anything." I checked his photo gallery because usually he sends pics of where he is so that I know he's being honest. I look at the usual photos, but notice one that's strange. It was a pic he took from the internet, something he was doing for the other woman! YES! He took a pic of a website using her computer (I assume), they are doing business together. I know it was her, because her name was plastered on the page from a business site. He was getting a EIN number for her. He was with her yesterday and that's why he didn't call me. I guess he didn't think I would check his photos. This confirms why he didn't put thought into his gift to me on V-day...he probably told her he was getting something for the kids while she took him home. I took a pic of his cell with my phone, the evidence is building.
I didn't confront him about it, I don't want him to know what my next step is. I have to find a steady job, until my business income grows. I need to contact a lawyer and let me family know the full story. Can I keep up a front until all this happens? Pretend that I'm in the dark and smile when he says "I love you"? I may have to, I've been financially dependent on him for so long but I know I can make it on my own. I've never stop training and educating myself while I was at home with the kids.
How to prepare for a Divorce? I do have the terms he signed giving me rights. He can be very clever.
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fcl responded:
Smiley, I'm really sorry that you're going through this. It actually sounds as if he's pushing you towards a divorce. If I were you I'd consult a lawyer straight away to find out exactly where you stand. You might not have to put up a front for very long (I hope not anyway - you can't keep this kind of thing to yourself for very long or you'll explode). You need good, sound advice so you can prepare for your future.

(((((HUGS)))))

PS - document everything, absolutely everything. It can't hurt to have a paper trail ...
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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dfromspencer responded:
Hi Smiley,


Its nice to hear from you, but not like this! I am so sorry!!!! You should not be treated so shabbily by your hubby! He does NOT deserve you! Maybe he never has? With all the lying going on, he may have lied to you from the very beginning? Oh Smiley, I wish I could take away the pain, but this is life, and we all have to live it, no matter what?!


Do you know where this pic. was taken? Maybe you should go there, and see what you can find out? Even if all you can do is, get another picture of the place for future reference? I think you need to sneak down there, and see if you can catch them red handed? Remember to take a camera along, but take pics with both the camera, and your cell phone?! That way, if you get caught, you can give up the camera, and still have pics on the phone! If you really want to get him, and make him keep right on supporting you, you will have to catch them in the act?! Catch him kissing her, better would be to catch them in the act of, well, you know?! My biggest suggestion now would be, spy on him!!! CATCH HIM IN THE ACT!!! That is all the ammunition you will ever need!


Choc. lips, really? WOW!!! That is something you get from a gas station?! He forgot to get something for you, so, this is what he does? Choc. lips??? Better would have been some edible choc. panties, at least it would have been better for me? Sorry! This proves he no longer has a connection to you. No love, it would seem? This just breaks my heart!


Yes, you should keep the family informed! Everyone that knows about this now, can testify later, if need be? Let them know everything, you have done nothing wrong! This is all on his stupidity! And yes, you can keep up the charade! Think about the end game?! He will have to pay you so much, he won't have any to play with his new toy! You see? In the end, you will win, the bad thing is, he destroyed a wonderful love!


Don't worry, in time, you will want to love again! I did, and if I can, you can too?! I want love so bad, I think I can taste it?! You will to, just be patient, that's what everyone told/tells me?! So, when he says I love you, think of the wonderful love you will find again, and smile?!


I want to wish you great success in your business future!!!
And, I want to wish you great success in your future love!!! And don't worry, you will find something to hold you until that business is a success!


Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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sluggo45692 responded:
Hi Smiley,

Like everyone else here, I'm sorry he hasn't learned and is a total crud. Guess what? You want to know his phone history? Get your itemized cell phone bill. It has date, time and phone number of each call and text made from a cell number. This is the data tracking, digitized world. If you put it on the net, it's on the net forever.

Like you said, if he was going to win you over, he had to put some effort in it. Now that you have made your choice, stick by it. Don't back pedal. Nothing worse than dragging your kids through the muck and then turn around and take him back.

Your perception makes your reality. Your perception is he hasn't changed. He won't change. Now you need to change his perception of you. Your not a floor mat.

As for the papers and terms he signed, unless they are filed with the courts or county clerks office, they're useless. You can take them to your lawyer and show you made an effort, but they mean nothing to a court. If they were filed, you also must stand by your side of the agreement.

When talking to your lawyer, He/She will advise you to take everything. House, car, child/spousal support, take full custody, and he pays all the bills. They should also tell you to do a restraining order on him. Do it all. It's leverage in court. He cheated, you didn't. He pays. You still pay emotionally, but hurt him worse. I've been through a divorce. I'm a man who got custody of his son, because she showed she was a useless mother.

Like all the rest of the posters stated, talk to your family. They are your safety net and support net. Your friends will show their true colors, when things come out. Family usually stands by you, with friends who can tell. Don't be offended if you loss some. Some people just see what they want to. I hope you don't loss any, but expect some to see it his way.

No matter what you do, do it for you and your kids.

Good Luck
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
Hi, Smiley. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. But I'm glad you're able to share here. You have a difficult road ahead of you, but you also sound determined, which is great. Please continue to reach out to us so we can support you along the way. I hope you find others to support you, too -- a full support network is often very helpful in difficult circumstances like yours.
 
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smiley2009 replied to fcl's response:
Thanks FCL. Good to hear from you! I will make sure everything is documented. I have made the first step in contacting a lawyer and will wait for information from them. I have reached out to my family and a friend I trust.
 
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smiley2009 replied to dfromspencer's response:
Hey Dennis! I have cried most of the weekend, but I understand my tears will soon fade away and then the battle is on. On Friday, I lost it. I have never cried so loudly. This man has hurt me deeply. My kids continued to play in the other room.

I confronted him Dennis...I couldn't hold it in. He denied everything! He said she texted him the pic, and she took it. I asked him how did it get in his photo gallery? His response was he sent it to his photo gallery. He said the fingers in the photo could have belonged to any man?? REALLY??!! I know how his hands look. So he denies being with her that day, and never taking the pic with his phone. He continued to say that she just wanted him to know that she was getting her own business, but he told her that they couldn't talk anymore. I asked him, so you deleted the text and the calls? He said, "of course I did, I delete everything." I screamed at him that he should tell me everything, if she calls him and what they talk about. No matter what, he should be upfront. THERE SHOULD BE NO CONTACT at all in the first place.


I have a lot of fight in me. My husband has taken my calmness (when I first learned of cheating) as a sign of weakness. If he wants me to show another side, then I can show it. It's time to put on my armor and attack. The best way to attack is to become financially independent. My husband talked to our Pastor and he said we should go through marriage counseling. I think it's too late?
 
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smiley2009 replied to sluggo45692's response:
"Your perception makes your reality. Your perception is he hasn't changed. He won't change. Now you need to change his perception of you. Your not a floor mat. "


You are right Sluggo...thanks for being supportive. I know he will not change. How can a man continue to cheat after the wife finds out? If he truly loved me he would terminate all contact with the OW. If she continued to call him, he should change his number. There are no excuses!
Guess where is he right now, going on job interviews...I don't believe him anymore. He may go to one interview, but then go somewhere with her. Half truths. There is no trust left in me after finding those pics on his phone. He can tell me a bad storm is coming and I would have to watch the weather forecast to get the truth.
 
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smiley2009 replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
Thank you for the support! I have a question Dr. Leslie:

Should marriage counseling be put on hold until the "cheating" spouse stops his behavior? I believe he should have one-on-one sessions with our pastor before I attempt to attend couples counseling. He is clever and will put on a front just to continue his game. He knows what to say at the moment to get his way.
I'm so tired of trying...I have given him so many opportunities to change. Thanks in advance!
 
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fcl replied to smiley2009's response:
I wouldn't put it on hold. It will help you sort out your priorities and deal with your issues. However, I seem to remember that you've already been to counselling, right? And all he did was pay lip service. Counselling can only help if both are willing to do what it takes. I hate to say this but ... don't hold your breath.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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rohvannyn replied to fcl's response:
I know this question was for Dr. Leslie, but I agree. Marriage counseling should help give him the tools he needs to stop his bad behavior. That's the idea, anyway. Hopefully it will help convince him that he needs to change, instead of just being in denial or sneaking around.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to smiley2009's response:
Most couple therapists will not treat a couple in which one person is cheating. That said, if you are not ready to give up on the relationship, you might still want to go to therapy together and let the therapist guide you both. The therapist might suggest individual therapy for one or both of you or might have some advice that I would never be able to think of because I don't know all the particulars of your situation. Or, maybe you just want to start by sorting some of this out in individual therapy?

I wish I could offer more definitive advice, but I hope that helps.
 
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dfromspencer replied to smiley2009's response:
Hi Smiley,


No, do not put on that armor just yet!!! Keep him thinking you are weak, that way, he will not put up a bigger defense! Do not attack, keep him thinking he is winning. In the mean time, get that lawyer moving on the paperwork, and when all is said and done, then don that armor, and smash any defenses he may have, and you will come out the victor!!!


I know he has hurt you deeply! But, in the end, it is you that will hurt him more!!! So, keep up the duplicity, and he will pay!!! Remember, you have us on your side, there will be no mercy!!! He will wish he had acted faithfully, when all is done?!!!


Please don't cry any more, he simply is not worth it!


Keep your chin up!!!


D.
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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smiley2009 replied to rohvannyn's response:
Thank you FCL and ROH for that advice. I will endure counseling to one day say to my children, "I did everything I could to save this marriage." I'm one foot out the door and if he continues to lie in our sessions, then it's done. I appreciate your support during this difficult time.
 
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smiley2009 replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
I believe we should seek counsel individually and then together. We are both hurting, in different ways. I truly want happiness in his life, even if it means a life without me.


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