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    All You Need is Love...and Sex
    Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD posted:
    Even if you feel emotionally close with your partner, you can still suffer from a lack of sexual desire. Barry McCarthy, author of Rekindling Desire , recently gave a talk, sharing some important concepts for revitalizing your libido. These are:

    The "goal" of sex is pleasurable touch, not orgasm.

    Regular sexual experiences are essential in keeping your desire alive.

    Sex must be given freely as a gift, not forced or used as a reward or punishment

    It is essential to respect your partner's style of arousal.

    Both partners are responsible for sexual satisfaction in their relationship.

    As with all other aspects of a relationship, good communication is essential to sexual satisfaction.

    What do you do to keep your sexual desire alive in your relationship?

    If you would like to read more in detail about this topic in my The Art of Relationships blog, click here.

    Dr. Becker-Phelps's discussions and her responses in those discussions are for general educational purposes only. If you need help for an emotional or behavioral problem, please seek the assistance of a psychologist or other qualified mental health professional.
    root65beerfloat responded:
    Hello Dr Leslie;
    Well I am back. Still not much good to report on the relationship front- still on the back burner in the importance department with my husband.
    You talked about "
    " As with all other aspects of a relationship, good communication is essential to sexual satisfaction."
    How about just good communication period?
    Hubby is still work driven and barely has time for me, let alone my needs . He is literally driving my desire to have sex out of me.
    I am at a complete lose - aside from just flat out leaving the house for good- on how to help in correcting this issue.
    My origional post from May of 2013 still stands. No real difference in his behaivor, he tells me I am the love of his life ....and get nothing ( except a few kisses per day) from him to make me believe this.
    After 28 years of marriage I deserve more than this !!

    How am I going to achieve this?? And I don't see the time for counceling magically appearing if there is no time or engery for me.
    Any other thoughts??
    dfromspencer replied to root65beerfloat's response:
    Well hi Rootbeer, long time no see?! So, hubby is still the same as he always was, eh? If I remember right, you were the only one in your relationship who truly wants him to change, he doesn't want to? After all those years, he has grown comfortable in his daily actions. He no longer sees you as a sexual being, no, now he sees you as something familiar, and comfortable. I honestly believe you will have to leave him, in order to change his priorities back to you, his wife?

    Hubby is no longer thinking of you as his number one priority, witch you should be, no, now he is thinking more and more about retirement? He wants to make sure you guys have enough money saved up, in order to enjoy that retirement.

    This is just so sad. Instead of working himself into an early death, he should be more relaxed, and concentrating on his marriage, not work. All marriages require work, you have to work at keeping that spark alive, not let it grow cold, as your heart probably is right now?! He has a mistress, and her name is "work"! Hubby needs to learn some facts, he needs to know there are other ways to please his wife, than just straight intercourse! Until he lets go of his mistress, I don't see you being very happy, until he retires, anyway?!

    I wish you only the best of luck with this!!!

    Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to root65beerfloat's response:
    Unfortunately, there are only so many ways that people can handle situations like yours. They can express their unhappiness and ask their partner to work with them to change things; do something different to help engage their partner; tenter couple therapy; wait it out, hoping for change at some point (such as retirement); accept their situation as it is and make the best of it; or they can leave (either permanently or as a trial separation). You can also seek individual therapy to help you work on this. The question at this point is there that you can still try that you haven't tried or haven't tried well enough; and are willing to try?

    You say "I don't see the time for counceling magically appearing if there is no time or engery for me." But have you asked strongly for this?

    I'm sorry for your distress and wish I had some other magical advice to make this better. I do wish you well.
    sluggo45692 replied to root65beerfloat's response:
    What good is a retirement if you don't enjoy your life getting to retirement? Is a retirement going to change who you are? I myself had to answer these type of questions with my ex-wife.

    My questions were: Why am I putting in 60-80 hours a week working and not having sex or getting to enjoy of my family? Why am I working 2 full time jobs and my (ex)wife not working, helping or putting out? What good is money if you don't get to enjoy it?

    I was married for 19 years. At the 10 year mark, we had just gone through a 2 year stretch of no sex. We did counceling. In counceling, as at home, I told her all I wanted to be happy was some physical contact to show me she cared about me. I told her and the counciler, I could put up with the work and the loss of time home if I got laid. I got a BJ that cost me 5 years more in a miserable marriage and another 3 years getting the divorce through.

    I know what your going through. My heart goes out to you. Would you like to know what she told the counciler at the sessions? She was sexually frustrated. I guess we just couldn't communicate our needs. I would touch her and she would push my hand away. I would go to kiss her and she'd turn her head. Quite frankly if a man is rubbing his wife breast and kissing her neck, I think that might mean he's in the mood. After a while of her turning you down, she might get a little frustrated. I know I was.

    I hope you can turn things around, before he drops dead from the work. If not, just tell him thanks. You and your boy toy will enjoy his retirement after he's gone. My ex will get 1/2 of 1/3 of my retirement check. Best money I ever spent. If she dies from the emphysema, diabetes, or other things she's doing, I get to keep it all. I don't want anything to happen to her, because of our son needs his mom. Quite frankly, there is no love loss between her and I.

    After 28 years, you do deserve more. I just hope you can get all you deserve. Yes, I am an A**hole when it come to my ex.

    Good Luck

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