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Is it worth it?
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Anon_15098 posted:
I have been in my current relationship since October 2010. We have a beautiful daughter who just turned a year old. My SO (30) has always been irresponsible, selfish and immature. If I bring it up he'll change for a while but always goes back to these childish ways.

Currently we are living at my mom's house, but we are trying to get on our own. He is the only one employed as of right now, but I am looking for work and trying to get started selling books (through a company like Scentsy or Pampered Chef). He seems to think that if we can't make it right now then he might as well spend whatever money we do have.

Last week he bought some video games and my mom brought it to his attention (because obviously me bringing things up doesn't seem to have an impact) that we can't save for a place if he spends money on foolish things. He threw a fit and took them back (and was gone for 3-4 hours) and was in a mood the rest of the day. 2 days later on payday he went back to Best Buy and bought video games!

At this point I don't know what to do. I love him with all of my heart and I can't picture myself being with anyone else, but we have a daughter to think about and care for. I'm starting to wonder if we need to take a break or even just end things. His older daughter (5) is coming to visit April 5th until the 13th, so I wouldn't make any decisions until after she goes back home (because it wouldn't be fair to her to not be able to come or to have her time spoiled by a split).
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Anon_15098 responded:
I would like to add that he isn't nurturing at all. My daughter would rather go to just about anyone else in the household than him. It absolutely breaks my heart that she has little to no desire to play with him or give him much affection (she's a very affectionate baby).

He claims its because he's the only one in the house who works, but honestly I think its because he ignores her when he's home. He gets 3 days off and he doesn't spend any time with her whatsoever.

When we go see my dad or any of his parents she adores them and wants to play with them, but not much interest in playing with daddy. It's because those people interact and play with her and he does not.
 
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sluggo45692 replied to Anon_15098's response:
Here's a little dad advise. (you won't like it)
THROW THE BUM OUT. Go to child services and get child support from him and send him packing.
A good relationship had 3 elements in it. Love, respect, and trust.
You love him, but I don't see the love towards you and your child.
He doesn't respect you (because obviously me bringing things up doesn't seem to have an impact)
You can't trust him with money, because he blows it on what he WANTS. Not on what you need, like a home and future.

I'm sorry your in a relationship with a man-child, but you have one child already. Your mom sounds like a good woman. She took you both in and is helping to provide for you and your child. As long as you let him he will sponge off you and your's. Yea, he has a job, but where is the money going to? Obviously, not your future.

I'm sure there are other things going on other than buying some video games, but it's the tip of what's going on. Ask yourself what happened with his other baby momma? Was he the same way and now your not having fun anymore? There are a lot of people who see thing different after the children are born. Mostly the mom's.

I hope I didn't come off to A--hole like, but some times a person needs a kick in the pants to help themselves. I have a daughter who is like you bf. She won't wake up and wants someone else to take care of her. It hurts, but tough love is tough. I threw her out after 3 chances. Stealing, lying, and blowing the money she was suppost to save. I got her 5 jobs in a 1 year time and she threw them all away. She was 20 years old at the time.

Good Luck
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
I wish I had some miracle advice to make this situation better, but all I can offer is what I think you already know. You can communicate your displeasure, explain the effects of his behavior, and ask for a change. After that, it is up to him to change. If he doesn't, then you need to decide whether this is behavior you are willing to live with for the long haul.

Maybe there is a different way to communicate the problem?Such conversations will work best at a time when you are both calm, if you focus on the effects of his behaviors (i.e. how it makes you feel, what this means for your lives together), and if you steer clear of name-calling or attacking his character. These kinds of conversations also work best when the seriousness of the situation is made clear. It might also be helpful to begin with telling him what it is you love about him so that he gets a sense of connection, love, and that you really want this to work. All that said, it is still up to him to change his own behavior.
 
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dfromspencer replied to Anon_15098's response:
Hi,


First, let me say how sorry I am for you, and your child! You are living with a man/child, like Sluggo said. You will never get him to change! Face that fact right now!!! HE, is the only one who can change himself!


Now, you have to do what Dr. Becker-Phelps said! You need to start that conversation by telling him how you feel about him, you said "I love him with all of my heart", "and can't picture myself with anyone else"?! Let that sink in, then tell him how you see his behavior ruining your relationship, and how it has affected his own daughter. Gently remind him that this is a partnership, we must both worry about our future, and especially about our daughters!!! Let that sink in for a moment, then ask him how he could make this partnership, and his relationship with his daughter, better?


Once you ask him to help fix it, I hope he is man enough to want to try fixing it? Most men, are fixers by nature, we just want to fix things all the time. So, by your asking him to fix this, I hope for your sake, and your daughters sake, he is man enough to do just that, fix this?! If not, then you really need to sit down, and think about your future, and that of your daughters?!


There are many ways to get help in a local community, all you have to do is ask? Your parents may help out, or a women's shelter, someone will be more than glad, to help you and your beautiful daughter out!!! I hope you never have to find out! I hope your marriage works out!!!


I wish you the best of luck!!!!!


Dennis (Daddy extraordinaire)LOL!!!
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!


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