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Online Dating Blues
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eagleboy7678 posted:
Hello, everybody, I hope I am in the right discussion board. Honestly i am tired of looking and i really need some help. About a month or two ago, I have started using a dating website called Speedate.com. At first I didn't get many hits, mostly the girls I have came across where cam models and site promoters. But I met this on girl who was a cam model. She was nice and she said she liked me. We started talking on a messenger, and we got to know each other. But things started to get a little weird. She at first wasn't going to tell me that she was a cam model, but when she did she wonder if I would join her site. I didn't mind at first But soon after, I started to question whether or not she was really who she said she was. I knew the model was real, but I wasn't sure that the person I was talking to was her. When I would ask her a question about herself it would take her a while to respond, on personal stuff like her pets name or her history. Plus she said that because of her contract, I would have to pay 100 dollars a day in order to see her.She said that she would love me forever would it would be the biggest regret of her life if she lost me I follow the model on twitter and tumblir. The model made a section that would allow her fans to ask her questions. I appeared as anonymous and ask if she was on facebook or used any messengers? She responded that she didnt. Then (again as anonymous). I said that I think I found someone who was impersonating her, she agreed that it sounded like someone was feeding me B.S. Once I confronted the person I was talking to on messenger, she changed her mood real quick and tried to comfort me. Then once I asked for proof, she served all communications with me( she hasn't replied back to anything I would say and this was over a week). After talking to other model that I have met, I have asked her about it in order to find some truths in my situation. She even said that this could have been a scam. But she also said that, I should have also talked to the person more about the situation before anything. I have tried contacting her again, but she wont respond to me.

So I guess what I am asking is what is all of your inputs on my situation. Honestly, I am so emotionally and mentally drained by this, that I can't even think straight. I am a college Student and this is starting to cut into my life in a bad way. I don't know if she told me what I wanted to hear or if she really meant it. How can I put this to rest or how can I move on. I dont like being alone, and I havent been in a true relationship ever, so this was a big hit on me. I just don't know what to think. I need help. I don't know what to do.
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sluggo45692 responded:
Hi Eagle,

First of all sorry you got suckered. When it starts costing you money to talk to the girls, it's not a dating site. It's like a old 900 number. The more you talk, the more it will cost you. She will love you as long as the money holds out.

I've been on a few dating sites. I have found quite a few are free and you talk to real women. Not a sex site worker. Legitimate dating site may cost you about $19-50 (US) a month. They will screen and match you with possible partners. I used 2 sites that cost me about $25 a month. I only used them about month and found at least 3-4 "friend with benefits" on each one. One I found my current and permanent partner.

If your looking for a "hook-up" or a permanent partner, on-line dating is a good option. Just be careful and think with the big head. $100 a day just to talk is foolish and wrong. "Oh, the model is hot for me." is the wrong way to look at these people. It's your wallet, their looking at. Hey for $100, you can find someone to take you "around the world." not just talk about it.

Good Luck
 
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eagleboy7678 replied to sluggo45692's response:
I guess i knew that in the back of my mind that it was too good to be true. But I really felt like for once, I wasn't truly alone in the world anymore, that i had someone to talk to and not hold back on. It felt good, and now that that I know that person is scamming me and has stopped talking to me, i miss it, the attention, and the feeling of being needed by someone else
 
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sluggo45692 replied to eagleboy7678's response:
If your still in college, you have got a lot of time. I didn't have a steady until I was 20 years old. I was stationed in Naples It. It lasted for 6 months. I still miss her on occasion, but I knew I had other things to do with my life. I have traveled the world and was 28 when I married. I had a more stable life to offer my wife.
Your in college. Enjoy being young. If you can't find a girlfriend, find something to keep your mind off of it. Opportunity knocks when you least expect it. I have found friends (bed partners) when I wasn't looking. When I was, I was trying to hard and scared them off. Or worse, they lead me around and I paid for everything and got nothing.
Be a gentleman, by opening doors, but go dutch on dates. You will be suprised on what happens when you treat a woman as a equal, not as her servant. They will see you as a man, not a toy. My opinion, if she sees you as a toy or wallet, then she's not worth it.

Good Luck
 
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dfromspencer responded:
Hi Eagle,


First, welcome to the site! Next, I agree wholeheartedly with Sluggo! What he says is so true, it hurts! Do not spend all your free time on dating sites, spend them where you like to hang out, or even at the campus library?! Who knows who you might meet?


Above all, don't get gaga over someone till you meet them in person, and have taken them on a date? One thing I find is quite alright is, to pay on your first date, if she doesn't bring it up?! But then, ask her out on a dutch date the second time, and see what she does? If she insists only gentlemen pay, then tell her its a no go, and don't bother with her any more!


Take your time, you are still young, you have your whole life ahead of you, don't blow it too quickly! Have some fun, go to parties, dances, whatever you like to do, and you will automatically find girlfriends!!!


Good luck, have fun!!!


Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
Hi, Eagle. I hope the folks here have helped you a bit, even though I know they can't take away the hurt. Also, please feel free to continue posting here in this community. I don't mean to suggest that it's the same as finding a woman who likes you, but the regulars here have been a wonderful support for each other and for others who drop in. So, you might find that these are people who you can open up to and feel connected with. Whatever you do, I wish you well.
 
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eagleboy7678 replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
Thank you all, Leslie, dformspencer, and of course, Sluggo. I appreciate all of your support on this matter. I still hurts all of it does, really much and i wouldn't be lying if i said that this matter has taken alot of energy from me. I hate that this happened to me, and all that the other did was tell me what I wanted to hear. I have alot of other personal problems in my life. Truth is, it felt good final have someone other then my parents to share my problems with. I think thats why it hurts the most, like I said I am not in a relationship at the moment. So i guess thats why I was hooked in so badly. In a weird way, I miss the attention and feeling of being needed by someone. I just don't know how to put this to rest, and leave it behind.
 
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dfromspencer replied to eagleboy7678's response:
Hi again,


I can relate to your last sentence! I too had this problem, for a very long time, and it ate me up! I dwelled on it for so long, it was like I had never given it up? And I had not given it up! One of Dr. Leslies coworkers had a line that really helped me. It goes something like this; You can't change the past, no matter how hard you try, forgive that person who hurt you, forgive yourself, then move on"


It is much easier to hold onto that hurt, and nurture it into hate, I know, I have been there/done that! Don't let that happen to you! Forgive them for the deceit, and forgive yourself for falling for it, and keep moving forward!


If I could do it, you can too! Keep your chin up, look proud to be who you are, and the girls will fall over themselves wanting you! Ok, so maybe that might not happen? But, a confident man always gets the girl!


I wish you lots of success!!!


Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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eagleboy7678 replied to dfromspencer's response:
Forgive that person who hurt you, forgive yourself, then move on eh? hmm, interesting words. I suppose that is how it has to be, I don't want to dwell into the past, and I hate that this is affecting my as such. But these are good words to live by and thank you for them. I know I am still young with much ahead of me to look forward too. I just hate waiting for someone to rely on, I feel like I have waited long enough. But i guess its not.
 
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dfromspencer replied to eagleboy7678's response:
Hi again,


No need to thank me, I was just repeating what I heard. If you want to thank someone, that should be Dr. Becker-Phelps!


You still sound pretty down on all of this? I hope you can see that you don't have to be? If you would just go out and do those things you love, or are interested in, you are going to meet people with a like mind?!


Sit down one night, soon, and mentally make a list of all those things you like to do, or would like to learn? Then, write that list on a piece of paper, then, in your spare time, go do them, one at a time, of course. LOL!!!


You might be amazed at how fast you meet new friends? Even girlfriends! I don't know if you live in a dorm, or stay at home, but I guess it really doesn't matter, as long as you get out there?! If no one see's you, no one is who you will meet. Its all about exposure! If you are not very good with the ladies, there are books, and c.d.'s on dating that are very good. Go to the library to find them, if you live on campus, go there, if you live at home, go to your local library, the object is to get exposure!!! Like minds will connect!!! Hey, I just made that up!!! LOL!!! "Like minds will connect"? Hmm, I think I am on to something here??? LOL!!!


Eagle, I hope you find what you are looking for, if not, you can always come back here, and we can sit an commiserate with each other! LOL!


I wish you tons of success!!!


Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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sluggo45692 replied to dfromspencer's response:
Dude,


You just made 2 friends here. Yea, we're not women, but we do have a lot of experience. Michelle and the other women may step in also.
I know we're older and a lot has changed. We will try to guide you on the right path. The main thing is be comfortable with yourself. That confidence will carry you a long way.


Good Luck
 
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bigred53 replied to sluggo45692's response:
Eagle, I know exactly how you feel. I didn't get hooked on anyone through a dating site or anything like that. What happened to me was I emailed another facility as I needed information on one of my cases. Well, through emailing this man and I really hit it off. He was fun and flirty and we emailed each other almost every day. After about six months we decided to meet. It didn't go as well as either one of us wanted it to, kind of awkward. We continued emailing and having fun that way and I thought we were becoming good friend, then all of a sudden, it seemed to me, he told me not to email him anymore and that he wasn't going to email me. He'd had this fantasy in his mind of what he thought our relationship might become and it didn't turn out that way for him. Needless to say I was devistated and I cried for days. This was a year and a half ago and I've forgiven him and moved on although it does still give me a few twinges when I think about it, like now.

Sweetie, there will be someone out there for you. Since you are young there will probably be many someones. Be open to new opportunities and experiences and try to keep things casual until you get to know a woman. Heck, I'm 60 years old and I'm still looking and I'm not going to give up. I may never find the 'love of my life' but I know there are a lot of good men out there - I just have to be open to accepting someone into my life.

Sluggo is right about being comfortable with yourself. You've got to like and love yourself and that will give you confidence. Most women love a confident man. Sometimes you have to learn how to 'act' as if you are. You are worthy of having a loving relationship you just need to learn to separate the good women from the skanks.

Michelle
 
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rohvannyn responded:
Hi there! I'm one of the other women on the site. I'm nearly 35 so I'm a little closer to your age.

How can you get over these feelings? Work a little on self sufficiency, forgive yourself, and as much as it hurts, learn to wait for the right woman to come along. Sure, look for her, but I think you know deep down that you aren't going to find her on a model site or a cam site. Those girls are pretty but that's all they are. There's no substance, only fantasy. But that's understandable... it's alluring. You are worth more than that. You deserve a good, solid, real relationship.

Solution? Get out and just start meeting people. People of all kinds. Make friends who have shared interests. If you like a certain TV show or game or sport, go hang out with other people who like that same thing. Talk to everybody, or just a few people at first then branch out. People want to be with someone who has interests and is enjoying life.

Guys that interested me when I was dating had passions and interests of their own, were interested in what I wanted to say, but weren't slavish to me. I liked to be treated nicely, and in a gentlemanly way, but also I liked to be treated as an equal. I wish I'd taken my own advice when I was young. You are in a prime place for meeting people so take advantage of it! Just get out there and live, spend some extra time OFF the internet, and meet people face to face.

Also, rememer this: somewhere, out there, Mrs. Right is dreaming of someone, he's her special person, he's her dream guy, and he has your face. Time to show her he's out there.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to rohvannyn's response:
I just have to say that it makes me feel good to read all of these responses to eagle's post. I can feel the caring from this community and that makes me feel gratified and proud to be part of it. Eagle, I hope you can feel the caring and that you choose to stick around a while to take in all of this caring feedback. Sharing and getting support from each other is what this community does best!


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