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Should I be mad continued...
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Anon_149021 posted:
LIke 5-6 months ago I posted on here seeking the opinion and advice of others on her regarding something my mother had done.

My Previous Post: My mother recently started dating an online friend of mine from facebook. It's super awkward because the male used to talk to me for hours daily in the past. He even went so far as to tell my mom that I was into him. Which was not the case, I seen him in a completely platonic way. Anyways last year when they started talking and flirting I got upset with both of them, because I felt there was a complete disregard for my feeling on them getting together. It cooled off between them for like a year while my mom dated this other guy. With in the last three months they have started talking again and are now officially together. So basically last week I was in the hospital giving birth to my son and my grandparents, mother, and sister came to visit and stay in my apartment while I was in the hospital so they could visit me and the new baby and to also look after my two year old daughter. My grandparents ended up leaving the day before I left the hospital which was fine and all but that left my mother, sister, and my daughter at my apartment. Unbeknownst to me my mother had invited this guy over to spend the night at my place. And this really bothers me because she didn't even ask. In fact when I had talked to her and my sister on the phone that night there was no mention of him even being there. My mom only told me the next morning saying she hoped it was okay? Um hello couldn't you have told me that when I talked to you the night before or even asked since hey it's not your place or your daughter. Can I please mention also that I haven't met this guy in real life and she had only met him once. We have valuables in our place and most importantly I'm not too happy about someone I haven't met in person spending the night in my apartment while my child is there. And to top it off she said he slept on the couch, which I highly doubt since we had a blow up mattress and mine and my husbands bed. So my guess is they slept in mine and my husbands bed which would really upset me because this bed has only had me and my husband together in it in intimate ways, I feel it's like sacred to me and my husband. Am I blowing this out of proportion? Is it even worth addressing with my mother? I feel so disrespected.


Now: It is months later and she has broken up with said guy. She found out that while his Facebook profile was real and he was who he stated, he had created fake profiles in an attempt to make my mom jealous while she was with him and use it as leverage to make it seem like others were agreeing with him. It was just a really creepy situation over all. They fought constantly and were on and off like a light switch during the 5-6 months they were "together". Now with her uncovering all this about his "catfish" accounts. I feel like I am holding a resentment against her. I never got to bring it up how I was upset with her and how she invited him into my house while she was supposed to be watching my three year old. Probably because any other time I have tried to talk to her about something wrong she has done she lashes out. But my problem now is everything she does even if its not bad gets under my skin. I'm thinking it must be resentment. She is basically brushing the way she has treated for the last 4 years under the rug like it never happened. I did mention in a soft way to her how he could have been like a child molester and it wasn't cool to invite someone she just met into my place. But she kind of like brushed it off like it wasn't a big deal. So basically sorry for the book but is there someway I can effectively handle this whole situation? I'm seriously nervous to even approach her about it because she really comes with the claws out. But I love my mom and I want us to learn and move on. I can't hold all this anger/ resentment around forever.
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sluggo45692 responded:
Hi again,

Sorry you and your mom aren't getting along. Here is my suggestion.
You can't hold this in. It will destroy your relationship. No one can fix this but you two.
Invite her to a private meeting. If you have a pastor or a mutual good friend, ask them to be a monitor. Explain to her this is not an attack and she's to listen until you get it all out. Your friend/pastor is to explain it to her also. Here's the hard part. YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO HER SIDE.

Your angry about what happened. I was one of the people who agreed with you. My sister and mother had nit picked for about 4 years. Sis wouldn't talk to mom and mom got tired of trying to talk to her. Sis was cutting mom down on face book and I stepped in. My sister loves our mom very much, but something was said or done years ago. This was my mother's 68th birthday & mom called me in tears. She had heard about the stuff on Facebook. I called my sister and ripped her a new one. I also told her one of them had to step up and call the other.

I'm not saying it's perfect or anything will get resolved, but you have to release this anger. It's poison to you and your family. My nephew asked his mother on day why grandma hated them. My sister couldn't answer it. My mother loves all her 22 grandchildren and 8 great grand children. She can't buy for the all, but she calls and talks to all them she can. My sister wouldn't even pick up the phone and RTS mom's Christmas cards.

My sister called. A lot of stuff go discussed and a lot got "brushed under the rug." With family sometimes you have to forgive and forget. They are going on a red eye bus trip to NY tomorrow night.

Let your mom know you love her, but you can't let her endanger (in your view not her's) your children. It hurts when you can't talk to your own mother or father. I know. Don't let the pain stay with you. You have to try. Even if she doesn't want to, you know you tried.

Good Luck
 
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dfromspencer responded:
Hi again,

I also agreed with you the last time, and i still do! I like a lot of what Sluggo has said! You do need to get this off your chest, so to speak?! If this is something that bothers you this much, then it is important that you make her aware of it?! No, you cannot change who your mother is, but she is your mother, and therefore, you have to show her some respect also. What she did was wrong, and she needs to own up to that, so that she gets your bounderies!!! This is/was your apartment at that time, and when she came to stay, she was a guest in YOUR home, NOT HERS!!! Therefore, she is the one who stepped over YOUR boundery, and she should at the very least, apologize to you?!

You cannot keep going on like this, or it will eventually destroy what love you do have for your mother! Therefore, i feel it is imperative that you set your mom down, explain this to her, tell her how this has hurt you, and that she, as a guest in your home, has to abide by your rules/bounderies. And, when you are in her home, the same thing applies! Then, tell her you would like an apology for crossing those boundaries, and promise you she will not do that ever in the future!

I fear you are going to give yourself ulcers? Let it go in your own mind, it will only drive you mad! Seek your apology, but let it go for your own sake! Then, once you get that apology, all will be right in your world!

I hope something one of us says, will strike a chord in you, and help you out?!

I wish you luck!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
I only have one other thought to add to the above responses. You titled this "Should I be mad continued..." It's important that you know that this isn't about whether you "should" or "should not" be mad. Feelings are not right or wrong; they just are. So, you are mad. The question is really how best to deal with that. You know what holding it in is doing to you, and now you might want to consider an alternative, like what sluggo and dennis are suggesting. I wish you well with this and also invite you to "talk" it out further here, as necessary.
 
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rohvannyn replied to sluggo45692's response:
Agreeing with what the others are saying, particularly what Sluggo is suggesting as far as a game plan. Hard as it may be, your mother really needs to understand how big of a boundary she has stepped across. She'll probably resist that message, especially coming from someone who was once her child, but she needs to hear it and understand it if she's ever going to grow. She was behaving in an extremely selfish, childish way. I can completely understand being angry! I'd be surprised if you weren't! The key here is to figure out how to get the message across to her in such a way that will actually make sense to her. If she refuses to listen or care, you might have to enforce your rules another way such as "if you aren't going to own up to what you are doing, and if you continue to put my family in danger, then you can't visit your grandchild." If you pick a consequence, make sure it fits the circumstances. I wish you the best.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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sluggo45692 replied to sluggo45692's response:
Follow up on mom & sis's New York Trip. They had a ball. Mom complained about the walking, but love it all. Sis complained about mom complaining about the walking, but would take her back in a heart beat.
All the a** chewing I did with my sister was worth it. I love my sister and mother very much. It hurt all of us when the fighting was going on. So no matter what, if you love someone, you have to keep trying to get through. Release the poison that hurts you all.

Good Luck
 
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rohvannyn replied to sluggo45692's response:
Sounds like you managed to get through! That's awesome. I think maybe my default attitude is that it's impossible, or at least really difficult, to really get through to people and make them understand if they are hurting you. So I'm really happy you are making progress.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to sluggo45692's response:
Thanks for getting back to us about this. It's nice to hear when things go well, as well as when there are struggles. Hopefully, things will continue to go well, or you will feel self-assured enough to step in again when you are unhappy with what's going on.


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