Hi all, it's me again! I just wanted to share some good news for a change, you know? After all the bad news, this is awesome news, for me, anyway!!!
Today, the 29th. of April, makes it one whole year now, that I have been smoke free. I am elated to the max, I have to say! I never thought I could do this a year ago? I wasn't all that steady at the time, but it was something I had wanted to do for my father, and I am glad I did, he passed away on Sept. 23 of 2013. He knew, I made sure he did! LOL!!! Both he and his wife thought I could never make it a year? Well, dad, wherever you are, I did it!!! I said I would, and I did it, mostly for you!
Well, I am looking forward to the next year, and the one after that, and etc. etc.!!! I will be smoke free till I die! That is not too far away, I have a feeling it is very close, now?! I am as ready as I will ever be, I suppose? One night, maybe a month or so ago, I felt an invisible hand grip my heart, not real tight, but tight enough. I thought I was a goner? I sat back in my easy chair, I smiled, told my pet rat goodbye, and kept on steadily breathing. I felt as if I couldn't catch my breath, I felt doomed! And in less than a half a minute, it let go. Ever since then, I feel as if I cannot fully catch my breath? My blood pressure and everything else checks out, I just don't feel like I get full breaths? So, I have made peace with myself, if I go, I won't be in misery from chronic pain anymore!!! I look forward to it! A complete end of pain? Oh yeah, I want some of that!!!
If for any reason I don't come back here, for say, a month or more? You can consider me gone. I just wanted to get that out there, just in case?! I also want all of you to know, I have enjoyed our friendships, our talks, our discussions, everything!!! I have enjoyed being here!
Please don't get the wrong idea, I am not dying right now! I have just felt compelled to get this out there, just for an incase kind of thing? I'm hoping to live long enough to give the nurses a hard time in the old folks home, you know???
Well, that's it, that is all I wanted to say, except to Dr. Leslie? Dr. Leslie, I want to ask you to look after Debbie/dem for me, should I be gone? All of you, please help her, as much as you possibly can, ok? I have known her long enough to think of her as my sister?!
Ok, everyone, you can go back to congratulating me, now!
Dennis: Great news about the smoking! Congratulations! And, it's great that you feel good about sharing it with us. However, I must admit I don't like the feeling of this as a kind of goodbye letter. It makes me wonder what's going on? As for Debbie/dem, you seem to be developing a really caring relationship with her. I hope that she feels the community as a whole is also here for her (just as it is for everyone else) and that she feels supported by it.
Congratulations, Dennis! I'm elated for you! You won a big battle, one some never win.
I'm not too wierded out, though. I appreciate what you had to say because I can see that you know how good life is, and how we all need to let other people know just how special they are just in case something happens. That feeling you had in your chest must have been a real scare. Normally I'd say "get thee to a doctor!" But you have. I hope they find what's wrong.
In the meantime, though, thank you for letting us know that you care. I care too and I know other people here do too! I for one will keep supporting Deb if you are gone, and if you are here. I hope you get to stay here for a good long time. But I also hope they find a way to help you with your pain.
You continue to be an inspiration to me, my friend!
Hi, Dennis. After reading Roh's post, I thought I should clarify something. I could also understand you connecting with how much you appreciate life. That said, I still had some concern that there could be some other less 'ok' or positive motivation with your post. And, as I see it, it's 'my job' to check those things out.
That said, again, congrats on your notable achievement!... one that I hope you get to build on for a very long time (both in terms of smoking and in terms of moving toward a healthier, happier life in general).
From one ex smoker to another. CONGRATS. Keep at it.
As for the episode from a month ago, everyone has those moments. I took it as my body telling me it's changing. I haven't felt like I have gotten a full breath on occasion for years. Mostly because I know I have slight COPD. 20 years of smoking doesn't do your lungs any good. Even a yawn takes 2 breaths to feel deep enough.
The worst is I can't hold my breath like I could. After about 5-10 seconds I need air. Swimming is a lot more difficult for me now. No matter how much I try to extend my lung capacity I can't.
I have to much wonderlust. I'm glad you can accept your mortality, but I can't. My chronic arthritis and neck bone spurs pain isn't as bad as your pain, but I won't give up. I have a brother with MS, a brother who died on the highway and was brought back,(he's disabled, but with us) and another brother who just had eye surgery (both retinas detached). They "do not got gentle into that good night" and won't give up.
We all have our blue moments. I have had my share of them. I could and would never accept death, because I see more out there. I'm going camping with the Boy Scouts this weekend. I'm bringing over 200 feet of extention cord for my C-pap and my meds. I'm not climbing towers or running races, but I'm making sure I see my boys have every advantage I can give them.
I hope you start thinking a little more my way. I'm getting older and it's more painful, but I refuse to have less life. I want to squeeze everything I can between work and sleep. Some days I succeed and some days I don't. Every day has an opportunity. Never accept that it doesn't.
I'm not judging you, Dennis or mayby I'm not understanding what your saying. I had to make my statement, because no matter what I like ya and you help folks. There is no greater feeling in our heart of hearts than the satifaction of helping to the best of your ability.
Oh no, I am sorry if I didn't get it out right?! I have no intentions of doing myself harm!!! It is just a feeling I have had since not just the one episode I told you about, but several. This has been going on for about a year, maybe? Every so often, I would get some kind of signal indicating a heart attack? The first was a sharp pain down my left arm, it lasted maybe twenty seconds? The second when I was in bed, I woke up and could not catch my breath, this one lasted about a half minute? And then there was the one I explained in the original post. I told my doctor about the first one, and she said my heart sounded healthy? So, since our appointments are 90 days apart, I have had to wait for over a month on this last on, and around two months on the second one?
I have an appointment on the 13th, and I am not going to take no for an answer, I want to take the stress test, I think that is what it is called? I want answers! This Albuterol she gave me, doesn't seem to do anything for me? I have been trying it for the last three months, now?! So, yes, I will definitely tell my doctor!!!
I am sorry for not explaining that better! I love my life, now!!! I have been clean and sober for many years now, with the exception of an occasional beer, or two with my brother every couple weeks, that's it! I love that fact, and now, the fact that I am also smoke free!!! I'm loving life, yes, I would like to share it with someone, but not going to rush into anything!!! If that never happens, so what? I can go saying I have lived a good life for a long time!!! I amended my crooked ways, and have been straight for a long, happy time!!! Life couldn't be sweeter to me, than right now!!! Or tomorrow, or the day after that, etc, ad infinitum!!! (I hope I said that right, Infinitum? Meaning endless, vast, etc.)
Don't worry about me Dr. Leslie, I will be around for a long time, I hope, so you will just have to put up with me! LOL!!!
Wow! Thanks for that! I hope they find something to kill my pain, too! This burning feeling is no joke! It is constant, it never seems to let up?! I take these pain pills, (Morphine, Lyrica, Oxycodone), it only feels like it deadens my mind against the pain, but not by much? What really hurts, is knowing I have to go through that fusion surgery all over, again?! And then, I suppose I will have to get that pain pump inserted into my body cavity? There is another surgery I don't relish having??? That last fusion, I felt like they each took turns beating me about the head and shoulders with viscous swings?! I have never hurt so bad!!! And the doctors nurse, his wife tells me, this next one will be from the back of the neck, and it will hurt worse than the last one??? Hurt worse? How??? I have to have it, my neck hurts so bad!
I do care for you guys here!!! We have been together for a long time, now! I feel close to every one of you guys!!! Some were fast friendships, others came along a little more slowly? But yes, I feel like you guys are my family?! I get to spend more time with all of you here, than I get to spend with my real family! I am so glad you are all here!!!
Thanks for understanding Roh! And if I am an inspiration to you, well, that's AWESOME news for me?!!! Thank you!!! I'm not sure how you get that, but if I can help in any way, you just holler!!!
Thanks for letting me see your awesome work! Take care, I will see you soon!!!
You smoked for twenty years??? Good, well, not good you smoked, but good you understand from a shared view point! I smoked for around 40 years? I started when I was 11, and sure, there was some quit times in there, one was over two years, and like a dummy, I went back to smoking!
Wonderlust? Yep, that is what it is, I still have that! I am far from ready to give up, I will never give up easily!!! I will fight for every minute I can get on this planet!!! But, conversely, I will also let go when the time is right, just like my father did?! He told us he was tired of the pain, and he looked like he meant it? So, when last I saw him, I gave him a hug, and said good bye dad, he said bye. I went home, and later on, his wife called to let me know he had passed. She said he tried to wait for my brother to get there, I could not go, but he died in the elevator on his way to a nursing home. She said he didn't make a sound, just closed his eyes. That's my dad, a Marine to the end!!!
Wow, a weekend camping trip, and I was not invited??? Oh well, I think I might pack up my truck, and head out myself, one of these weekends?! I love camping out under the stars, fishing for your meals, or trapping? Living free in the great outdoors, nothing better than that!!!
Sluggo, you are a good person, with a kind heart, and its people like you, that I want to call a friend?! So, keep up the good work here, we all appreciate you, and the help you give to us, and others!!!
I should have so many problems like having to put up with you! LOL. As I said before, I wasn't too worried, but I'd prefer to express concern and have you clarify than assume all is well and be wrong! So, I'm glad you are generally feeling happy and that you are going to follow up with your doctor. And, you take care as well.
Ah, Dennis old pal... you found the courage to forgive and free yourself of all that bitterness that was crippling you, you beat alcohol, you beat tobacco, you never seeem to pass up an opportunity to help others, you deal with severe chronic pain and yet you stay upbeat, and you wonder why I would consider you an inspiration? My goal in life is to be strong, like you. No, I'm not putting you up on a pedastal, or saying you are some paragon of perfection, but you have accomplished a lot and I admire that.
Hey, Dennis's heart, you'd better keep beating for a good long time!
Ahh yes, i am afraid you are stuck with me for a long time to come?! LOL!!! I intend to stick around here till the wheels fall off, or the internet dies? One or t'other, whichever comes first?!
I reread what i wrote, and i could have explained that much better, i am so sorry for that!!! I got caught up in writing, and wasn't paying too much attention (I always do that) to what i was writing?
I am indeed going to follow up with my Dr., i have to make her understand that it doesn't happen all the time, and so far, it hasn't happened while i have been in your office. But, i still want a stress test, i think that is what they call it?
Well, i have an appointment at the eye Dr.s this morning, so i have to hurry! Thank you, Dr. Leslie, for all of your compassion, and your careful, thoughtful help!!! We would be lost, without you!!!
I'm with Dr. Leslie on that one, Roh! I can relate to that, in a way?! When I was about 14?, my brother and I was enlisted by our landlord to paint their tool shed. So, we were painting away when the neighbor lady, who is also related to our landlords, came over and started bitching at us for not painting right? Really? Not painting right? I told her I had painted our family home twice, our garage once, and I have painted inside rooms for aunts, uncles, even my grandmother! So, please don't tell me how to paint, ok? She turned red as a beet, and grabbed my brothers paint brush, out of the gallon can, full of paint and then some, and started swing it at us. Oh, it got my brother and I, but what was funny was, she got the most of it, by the way she had swung it. So, my brother and I start cracking up, and this of course, made her madder! Now she is screeching at the top of her vocal range, and yes, it was awful, but now, she has her husbands attention, and my mothers! You don't want to make my mother mad, she is Irish to the hilt!!! Anyway, this lady is strutting around and around, swinging the paint brush at us, and she got my mother. I have seen my mother mad, but this lady opened her mouth, and told my mom that we were little basturds. My mother stood there, still as could be, when I swear, her eyes turned red, and she laid into this woman with my paint brush! No, I don't mean swinging it, she is slapping this woman on either side of her face! Which ever arm she raised to protect herself, my mother hit her on the other side! It was comical and my brother and I were laughing hysterically by now. Well, once my mother figured the lady had enough, she grabbed us by the arm, and she laid into us, for laughing!!! For laughing? Yep, it wasn't polite to laugh at an older lady getting white washed??? It seems not? LOL!!!
Anyway, I thought that story kind of fit in here?! I hope it makes you laugh as hard as we did?! Oh, an the whole time that lady was getting painted? Her husband stood there on the stoop and smiled! I guess he thought it was about time she got it?
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