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    Relationship issues with my wif
    watzmann posted:
    Hi All ,

    i'm married since 3 years and i'm facing issues with my wife on a daily base . most of them are related to the lifestyle and the daily activites.

    i tried to discuss my concerns with her but she is not convinced that she is wrong and that she should change her finaly we agreed to share our concenrs with you and you tell us what to do ,

    i'll start by telling you two example of the daily activites that we face together, at the begining my wife doesn't work she have some study to do but mostly she is at home .

    1- my wife get mad when i come back at the end of the day and knock the door , she asked me to stp that and to use my key instead >>>>> please let us know , is it normal ?

    2- my wife asked me to keep the bathroom clean after usage although that is time consuming in the morning and before going to work ? other wise she will never clean it .

    i really don't know why she is doing all of that although she is staying most of the time at home , please tell us what is your opinion .

    (this next part is written by (ME), the horrible wife,
    I don't work, I'm a house wife and I'm studying for my masters. I can't stand alot of things about my husbund but I'll try to stick to 2 things like he did.
    1. I have know idea how big is his paychick but he had never gave me money for the groceries. if he doesn't buy the groceries I will have nothing to cook.

    2. he doesn't do anything at home, he doesn't wash his own dish, he wants me to do every single thing for him, small or big.

    waiting for your feedback
    dfromspencer responded:
    Hi you TWO,

    Ok, first thing i see right from the get go is, both of you have realized the new has worn off, and now you clearly see each others doings as wrong?! You have a lack of communication!!!

    Both of you need to realize this is real life, not some soap opera! Sit down at the dinner table, or were ever you find most comfy. Now, take turns laying out what you see as wrong, or not right in your mind? Don't mince words, tell it like you see it. Do not speak in anger, if you get angry, take a break, and try again later. Now that you have laid out your gripe, let the other explain why they act this way, or feel it is wrong? Remember, you have to listen, and you have to respond with the truth, no lies, or saying it doesn't bother you if it does! Say it, mean it, and then listen, and try to find a compromise!

    It is all about communication!!!!! I cannot stress that enough!!! Ok, here is the second most important thing you both have to remember, YOU ARE BOTH A TEAM!!! This is what you are supposed to be, a team! Everything you guys do, has to be done as a team! 50/50 in everything, especially when it comes to money! He is the one working, you said it yourself, you are the housewife, you need to do the dishes if he doesn't want to help, then he is being a goose! Remember the 50/50? You should want to help your wife, at least sometimes?! You cannot, i repeat, you cannot treat her as a slave, either!!! And no, you cannot spend his hard earned money willy nilly!!! You are married now, you need to think about your future!

    I hope you guys listen to at least those two? Communication is the key to a long, happy relationship! And, a marriage is a partnership, 50/50!!! If you use at least those two things, your relationship should last a lifetime?!!!

    I want to wish you two a happy relationship!!!

    tmlmtlrl responded:
    It sounds like you two never discussed what her staying home was going to entail. But then you both had assumptions as to what it would mean. Now you're butting heads about it.

    My personal opinion is that husband thinks that wife is his personal maid. He says Yeah she's working on getting her Masters but... like it's no big thing. It's a very big thing and exhausting.

    Husband, do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?? Your #1 complaint that you don't want to use the key is almost childish BUT the answer is sooo simple that it makes me question your motives. Just. use. your. key. That's it. Simple. Problem solved.

    #2 (both of your #2) if everyone would always pick up after themselves the world would be a happier place! Hang up your towel, pick up dirty clothes, rinse your dishes - she's your wife, not your mother.

    Hiding your income from your wife is another power trip your pulling on her and it's rude and not fair at all. You are married. This is a union that you are in together. You should be partners, you are on the same team. Work together NOT against each other.

    Have you never heard the saying "Happy wife, happy life"? It doesn't mean you have to bow down and make yourself uncomfortable. It means these little complaints you have that you could spend 2 seconds fixing are worth fixing if it makes her happy because in turn she will want to do things for you to make you happy and then a circle of happiness ensues!

    For the record, I am a house wife. This works for my husband and I. It's definitely not for everyone.

    Your wife is working on getting her Masters which means she's not always going to be staying at home, so then what? You two need to sit down and discuss expectations and really LISTEN to each other and then decide what you're willing to give and take. Like maybe she's willing to answer the door when you come home if you're willing to clean up the kitchen after dinner.

    You are a team. Work together and your lives will go so much smoother you'll wonder what the heck you'd been doing all this time arguing.

    Good Luck
    tmlmtlrl replied to dfromspencer's response:
    Lol, we said the same thing Dennis I would only argue the 50/50.. as Dr. Phil put it it should be 100/100! Put your all into your marriage!!
    dfromspencer replied to tmlmtlrl's response:
    Hi tmlmtlrl,

    Long time no see? Where have you been hiding? We sure could use you around here?! But, you have your own life to live, if you can't spare the time, then that is all well and good!!! We give what we can, right?!

    LOL!!! You are soooo right!!! And yes, i had heard that, and i couldn't agree more!!! 100/100 and nothing less, well, if you are sick......

    Thanks again for coming back, tml!!!!!!

    rohvannyn responded:
    Hi there. The others are right, communication is key. Here's my opinion on the matter.

    You both need to talk and set expectations. It sounds to me like you are both starting to blame each other. I also hear just a bit of passive aggressiveness. That "this is me, the horrible wife" comment is a clear indicator of a problem. You both need to recognize and appreciate the other's efforts, and you both need to think of the other's needs a little more. That way, you both feel appreciated and loved.

    Respectfully, the husand needs to use his key if the wife wants it. Knocking first sends the message that he's not coming to his home, but to someone else's home. Also, it doesn't take much time or effort to clean up after yourself if you keep up with it. If you leave hair in the sink, it takes thirty seconds to pick it out. If you sprinkle on the toilet, it takes thirty seconds to wipe it up. If you drop your towel, it takes no time at all to pick it up. It only takes time if you have let it go too long. Same with rinsing a dinner dish. That's not hard to do either. It's only hard if there is a lot to do.

    Now, the wife needs to be appreciative and supportive if the husband helps out. And the husband needs to thank the wife for all she does at home. Living isn't free or easy, no matter what you do, and both partners deserve thanks and appreciation.

    Last of all, it sounds like neither partner have a clear idea of what the roles are. That means talking about it to negotiate a solution that seems appropriate. For a simple example, I go to work all day and earn the money. My spouse cooks dinner and does most of the cleaning. Does that mean I don't take out the garbage or do laundry now and then? No, I do it to help out, especially if she's not feeling well. So it is with everything. Both partners should aim to do a little more than half the work, that way the "favors" and good feelings keep building.

    Good luck to both of you.

    'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
    Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
    Most couples find that happiness doesn't come from resolving particular conflicts so much as learning how to really talk with each other and connect. So, as others have said, developing a healthy communication style between you is most essential. However, the purpose of this is to enable you to really connect with each other, meaning empathizing, having compassion for, and really loving each other. Toward this end, you might find some of my blogs helpful. For instance, you might want to read Repairing Relationship Problems and When You Fight: What Your Partner Really Wants from You .

    Clearly, your struggles can only be resolved with effort and as part of an ongoing process. So, please feel free to continue to talk with us about things.

    I wish you well.

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