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Seperation
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mariarivey00 posted:
Dr. Becker-Phelps
I am having a hard time dealing with my recent separation from my partner. We were engaged and recently we have been arguing about a lot of issues, from me having a child, her not wanting to live in this state (MI), her missing her family and wanting to be near them. Fights have escalated into emotional and physical abuse. We both are guilty of this, I would try and discuss things with her for hours, to get her to see that these issues are fixable, that it takes time to adjust being away from family, it takes time to adjust to a new family and it takes time to adjust to a new state. I love her deeply and I miss her terribly. I am trying to deal with this the best way i can. she moved while i was at work on the 8th of may, i came home to an empty house. I mentioned once during one of our arguments that this was a big fear of mine, and now she made it come true. She is upset and stressed about this relationship and we are both seeking therapy. she keeps in contact with my mother, and from what I understand is that she is having a hard time dealing with how i treated her. she stated that she wants me to get the tools to deal with the separation, she is not at this point wanting to get back together. my love for her is the only thing that is keeping me from breaking down, she is the love of my life and i cant loose her to something that is fixable. I want her back, even through all of this agony and hurt from how things escalated I find myself and my heart and my love not changing.
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dfromspencer responded:
Hi Mariarivey00,

I can feel your anguish, your sense of loss! I wonder, is she still in the same state? You mentioned your mother is in contact with her, does this mean you can get a message to her?

I think you may need to reconcider your living arrangements? Maybe you could try getting a job in her neck of the woods, and then it will be you who suffers the loss of close family?! If that is something you could even think about?

You don't really say what you two argue about, except for the family closeness issue?! This makes it harder to give advice?! But, if you can get a message to her, perhaps you could get back together, if she accepts your willingness to move?! IF you are, willing, that is? It is a chance to at least talk about it, right?

You need to do something to get her back long enough to sit down, with a moderator, some non-involved person? And talk this out calmly, and rationally.

I can only wish you good luck, i think you will need it?!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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sluggo45692 responded:
Hello Mariarivey00,

I'm sorry about your separation. I guess I'm a A**Hole, but if your not married, fighting that is escalating to "emotional and physical abuse" and a child is being resented, you need to be separated. You are having heartache and pain now, but you need to move on. This relationship is poison.
What is your child seeing? It's parents fighting and hurting each other. The child is seeing it's being resented by the new partner. A parent should NEVER chose a new partner over their own child. I don't care how good a person you think they are. If they resent the child, it's poison to the relationship and they need to be gone.
Stress is the fight or flight reaction to a threat. There must be threat in the home, because your fighting then she flees to her home. You can try to work it out, but you have to look at all points of view. Your's, her's and your child's. Even a baby can feel resentment and hatred. Stress can make people do very bad things. I'm not saying she would, but look at the mom who tried to drive into the ocean with her children. Look at the murder/suicides in the news. I'm not saying don't try, but if it's hurting everyone to stay together, get apart.
It take 2 people working to have a relationship. If one of the two doesn't try or want it, then there is no relationship.

Good Luck
 
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mariarivey00 replied to dfromspencer's response:
I cant move from the state due to custody arrangements and the current custody battle that I am in. As for me being able to contact her that is now impossible. She has placed a protection order on me, but in response to my moms emails that was the only way she could get out of our current lease. We have discussed her leaving the lease because I was aware of the issues a month ago and we both were looking at the option on my mom taking her portion of the lease. She ended up just turning against me. her desire to leave was more and more everyday. At one point she told me that she misses her family in TX and that she needed to see them. She is coming back to School in the fall. But the statement she told me was "I will do anything to get out of this lease". I just didn't think she would go this far. I can have the ppo removed because the things that she reported are false. I have never in my life been through anything like this. She told my mom she needed a couple months break and then she will contact me to see how im doing and how therapy is going. She even told my mom that she would go to therapy if she starts to feel the love for me again after a couple months break. I just don't get it. I told her she could move, I know she wanted to see family and I was doing everything in my power to make this happen. I would have never attacked her like this. so what I don't understand is why she went this far to make sure she deleted herself out of my life, why would she contact me back in a few months and then be willing to go to therapy with me. I don't understand, it is breaking my heart. I am having a hard time coping
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to mariarivey00's response:
I have the sense that there is so much to what is going on that I don't have a good enough handle to offer specific advice beyond this: Talk with your therapist, who you are hopefully discussing the situation in depth with. Consider the feedback that her or she offers. Also, if it's correct that your partner will reconsider the relationship in a couple of months, you might want to respect her wishes, wait that out and use the time, again, to work in your own therapy. Try to gain a better understanding of what's happened in your relationship, what your part in the problems is, and your personal struggles. Hopefully, from these discussions, a wise way forward will emerge. I wish you well.
 
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dfromspencer replied to mariarivey00's response:
Hi again, Mariarivey00,

Well, with the new information you have supplied, i was going to say basically what Dr. Leslie said?! You need to accept this situation "as is", and do what your partner has asked. If, as she has stipulated, you do what she wants, hopefully you both will have gained knowledge of what a relationship needs to survive?

I also like what Sluggo has said about the child feeling this resentment? If she feels this way towards your child, then you need to end this relationship now! As a parent/grandparent, i can tell you kids know more than you think, and a lot earlier than you might think?! YOU as the MOTHER of this CHILD, have to do what is best for this child! Understand? I don't want to beat you up over this, you already hurt enough!

Think long and hard about this relationship, can it be better next time? Really? Can your therapy stop your abuse towards each other? I hope it can, if you both really do love each other, and that your child feels loved and accepted by both parents? Your child takes priority in all of your decisions, all of the time! That is your life now, as a mother!

I wish you well, and i wish you success in your relationship!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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mariarivey00 replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
I am going to therapy soon, It has been very difficult in our relationship. constant arguments over everything. I am trying to cope.
 
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mariarivey00 replied to dfromspencer's response:
the whole relationship was based on how she wanted it to be. from being so connected to the hip. She started out very attached and loving, and then the downward spiral began. We did everything together, and then all of a sudden she started to say that she was feeling like I was suffocating her. I didn't understand, then she would say things like why are you not being extra loving. I have all of these mixed thoughts. I love her so much but the up and down mood swings and her changing so quickly has scared me, it has made me a little distant. I know I need to seek therapy and I am currently in the process of making this happen. But have no idea how to approach a situation that has such history of love but only a few months of emotional and physical abuse.
 
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rohvannyn replied to mariarivey00's response:
Sorry you are having to go through this! I wonder if there is something going on with her too, like hormonal shifts or maybe a mood disorder? I ask this because my spouse takes hormone replacement therapy (early menopause) and she is COMPLETELY different if she doesn't have access to her estrogen. It can make a giant difference. If she doesn't have her estrogen, she has a really short temper, is really suspicious of everything, and tends to be really depressed. Now, she isn't abusive but I can tell she's suffering when her hormones are out of whack.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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mariarivey00 replied to rohvannyn's response:
I have mentioned this to her on several occasions and she would shrug it off, I think she more offended by me just mentioning it. Like I was thinking she was needing psychological help or I was being negative. I stated to keep track of her monthly cycle and that is how I noticed a pattern. She is also the type that was hesitant to move away from her mother. She is insanely close to her mother. we discussed the topic of having a baby together and she was excited and the arguments started, she would be all over the place with arguments, She would start with the issue at hand and then move on to an old argument that I thought we resolved and then move to my past relationship, always stating that I treated her better. then she would talk about being away from family and how she missed her little sister and that she raised her little sister and her sister feels like her daughter. she would continue the argument to go at me with hurtful things like, I cant live in this state because I cant have a baby and be away from my mom. Then she would reach just pure frustration and she would scream at me, I would try to calm her, she would tell me to leave her alone, so I would step out of the room for about 15 -30 mins and then I would go back and check on her. still no improvement. the arguments would get worse and that is when it became emotional abusive. she would curse at me, she told me I am a nobody, I am getting nowhere in this world, you are an idiot. then the physical started. she slapped me because I was trying to calm her. I couldn't believe it, I asked her why she did it and she stated because you wouldn't stop talking to me. then things would escalate more and more and then it was both physical and emotional abusive with every argument. I couldn't believe what I was seeing and feeling. I lost her. she would call her mom crying, she would always threaten me with calling her mom while we were talking. Then we would make up and she would apologize for her behavior and cry and stated that she was so sorry. I always would forgive her. Then when we were loving, I had to walk on egg shells. She would tell me, why are you not being loving. I would say I am being loving im here kissing you and holding you. She would say I need to be extra loving. She stopped saying I love you and I noticed after awhile that I was the only one saying it and that is when the extra loving comment kicked in. It makes no sense, I have read books, articles, I have talked to friends and family, I am lost to why she is doing this
 
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rohvannyn replied to mariarivey00's response:
Wow... it really sounds like she's got a lot of unresolved stuff going on. After being treated like that, you are definitely going to need either therapy or just someone to talk to about how you have been treated. From what I am reading, she seems to have some really serious issues and basically needs to learn how to have a normal relationship. It also sounds like she is coming at things from a really selfish perspective, because she's more interested in being with her family than being with you, and wants to get out of the lease more than she wants to treat you well.

I could be wrong, but she may be in a bad place mentally, a place where it feels like the whole world is against her and she she isn't getting what she wants or needs. Nobody can show her the way out of that place, not even a therapist, unless she is willing to change. It may involve some growing up and seperating from her family. The best thing you can do is strengthen yourself, seek to understand yourself and the situation, and get the help that you need.

One last thing - in this modern day, the validity of a protection order means NOTHING. It doesn't matter whether or not you did anything or are right, in the eyes of the law it usually only matters who made the first accusation. She just put a huge legal black mark on you. It would be wise to get some legal advice on how to proceed. I wish you the best.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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dfromspencer replied to mariarivey00's response:
Moody, isn't she? You have not said how old she is, it would be a guess, but i think she might be a bit childlike? Selfish is not a good trait to have in any relationship! A healthy relationship would be a 50/50 one, not a 90/10!!! You are on the bottom looking down. I don't honestly think she will change, not until she is somewhat older? Communication is a very MAJOR /ESSENTIAL key to a happy, healthy, long term relationship!!! When your communication breaks down, and you just can't seem to get a click, then it is probably a dud? Your relationship with this person is contaminated with her selfishness!

You sound as if you are a level headed person, to me? You seem sincere, and genuinely hurt by this?! I am sorry, but i still don't see why you are the one needing therapy? She seems to be the one with all the problems? Honestly, i feel as if you already know this relationship will not last?! If you really do think about it, even though you profess to love her, this relationship is over! I think you just needed to hear it from someone else?

If i'm wrong, i will apologize later, say in one year? If this lasts one year, i will salute you!!! I think you are deluding yourself, and you know it, deep down! You child even knows this! That is, if they can understand your words, your feelings, your emotions, any child old enough to hold their own bottle can tell how you, or anyone around you, feels towards them!!! This person you are with, or want to be with, does not like your child, and that child knows that!!! DO THE RIGHT THING FOR YOUR CHILD, LEAVE IT AS IS! ALONE! Have no fear, the right one for you will come along, and then, YOU will know what true loves is!!!

I hope you find the ONE for your family, soon, very soon!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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mariarivey00 replied to dfromspencer's response:
She is going on 28 and I just turned 36 on the 9th and she left on the 8th, so that is a huge impact on my heart. She does have some growing up to deal with, she has such passion for education as well. So she is going for her masters and now I am in the way somehow. I have always supported her on her education and all of her endeavors in life. I think another big issue that she has with me is my education. I have attended college but I left for the military 2 years in, so I never finished my college education. So a lot of our arguments are based on this as well. I am trying to go back to school, but money is a huge factor as well. She feels that I give up on things that I don't have any ambition to life. That I will always be at a dead end job. even though my job pays well enough it is not enough for her to be satisfied. I think she was looking to not work part time while she attended school. I told her I would take on two jobs while she was at school so she didn't feel any strain to her education but in the mist of all the emotional battles, she stated im not asking you to do that I'm just asking for you to find a better job. Either way I look at it, I think she just needed to get away. She is coming back to MI in the fall for school, she has been talking to my mother as well and stating that if she feels any love for me after months of healing then she would attend therapy with me. I would love to do that because I have been begging her since jan. to do this to help our relationship when we were together.
As for my son, they had an amazing relationship, then she went home for Christmas this past year and saw her little sister. I thought that this time with her family would help her depression she was going through at the time. We got engaged last april and she moved in with me in aug. so from aug to dec she suffered a lot of depression being away from family and I told her that maybe we should talk to someone, I tried to get her to contact her family more but this caused a lot anxiety, it made her miss them even more. Skype didn't, phone calls didn't help. So honestly I thought a flight to TX would. Long story short when she came back her attitude change. we hade long drawn out conversations about how it was hard for her to interact with my son. She explained that if she went to a music program, she felt like it wasn't fair because she wasn't doing this with her little sister. It made no sense to me, she treated her little sister who is 15 as her own daughter. so her connection started to diminish. She would still interact with my son and he never felt any sort of growing concern because she wouldn't express it to him our show any signs of this as well. She would only have arguments with me about this. So in the long run this played a huge part in this relationship. I think her being with her family during the summer months may help her gain insight but I cant guarantee this will change her perspective unless she is seeking counseling on her own. I still love her deeply and that feeling will not go away since she is the woman I asked to marry me. I told her I would stick by her side through thick and thin, that it didn't matter how hard things were I would approach things with love and understanding. I am trying to do this now but I am afraid that I am at a loss for this one.
 
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dfromspencer replied to mariarivey00's response:
Hey, don't feel all alone, i'm stumped, also!!! I do not get why she left, or her motivation for anything? She is an enigma!!! Now, with this much more info, i am more confused by her actions than before? I don't even want to venture a guess on her ideals?! Wow, this has never happened to me before, at least i don't think it has?

Wow, i'm sorry! I hope one of the ladies here can help? I'm no good at guessing what's on a woman's mind? And i can vouch for that! O.k., not so funny, sorry! I hope someone can help you figure this out! Good luck, i think you will need some?!

D.
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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mariarivey00 replied to dfromspencer's response:
Thank you, I know it is very confusing. I think that she is just stressed and she doesn't know how to handle her emotions very well. and she needed to be home for comfort. Im not sure how to approach anything anymore. It is a very delicate matter and it plays with our hearts. I am just breathing and barely functioning right now because I was blind sided by all of this. we have had trouble in the past and we have always been able to work things out. but this time im not sure what happened. but either way I hope that I can find answers


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