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first time, his third
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greentealove87 posted:
For the last year and a half... I have been dating this guy who is a great guy. The first moment I meet him he just turned my world upside down and we had that connection that I'd only ever heard about but never felt. So we got to know one another and I come to find out he has two children from his last relationship. I'm 27 years old and he is 31 years. At first I was like "whoa, I've never dated anyone who has kids." But I took some time to think about it, to see if this was still something I wanted to pursue. To be fair for him, myself, and the kids (who are 3 and 4 years old) from what I understand he has a rocky relationship with the kids mother. For a while the children would go back and forth between both parents, but the last 9 months he has had the children and it doesn't look like the mother wants the kids back. He was the "dump-e" not the "dump-er" in that relationship so I wonder from time to time if he holds on to certain things. But I try to not get carried away with that idea. But lately the reality of everything has set in since we started getting more serious (i.e marriage, house, children of our own) That voice has been saying "he already has two children both a boy and a girl, whats left to give him? He's already done the 'first time parent' thing, so nothing new about another child for him."
A friend of ours just recently had a baby and we went to visit with his children of course and he started talking about when his children were born and his experiences in the hospital when the kids were born and of course I understand that he's proud of his kids and I love him for that. He has shown me that he is a man that is willing to step up to the plate and take care of his kids. But my fear is that everything I do will always be compared to what "she" did. That I will always be in her shadow and that I will never be the number one woman in his life that I'll always be number two. And it makes me wonder if I do have it in me to keep going with this relationship. Can I give up my first child experiences to someone who has already done this twice before?
Is there a way to get around this thinking? What do I do? Is this normal? I know that being with a man who has kids means that for the rest of our lives the children's mother will always be a part of lives in a way… but what is the right way to handle this? I'm starting wonder if I am really being fair to him by having these thoughts and I feel bad… any thoughts?
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bigred53 responded:
At your age it likely anyone you meet will have a history unless he's been living as a monk. Is he your first love?

If you do get married and have children your first child will still be his first with you. You need to stop obsessing about the 'what ifs' and appreciate what you have with this man.

Michelle
 
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greentealove87 replied to bigred53's response:
No he isnt my first love... just the first man Ive dated who has kids...
 
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bigred53 replied to greentealove87's response:
Ok. Turn it around. What if you were the one who had children. How do you think he would feel? How would you expect him to act? Jealous of your children and your past? Or excited at the prospect of having a family?

Michelle
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
I can understand your concerns and think it's great that you have shared them here. Have you talked with your boyfriend about your concerns? If not, you might want to do that. Many people find it helpful to hear their partner's side- it can perhaps open you to a new way of thinking (e.g. just how much he has yet to give as a father, how excited he is at the thought of having children with you) and it can help you to see if he will be compassionate to your struggles (an essential thing in happy relationships).

As for your last question,there is nothing wrong with having any particular concerns. The question is whether you are being fair to him if you don't share them with him, really listen to his responses, and make decisions without talking the issues through together.
 
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dfromspencer replied to greentealove87's response:
Hi,

My first thought was; WHY? Why was he married twice, and both marriages failed??? It makes me wonder what sort of man is he? Sure, he may be Dad of the Year, and still be a lousy husband?! If i were you, i would talk to his exes, see what they say about him, and then discard about half of that for exaggeration, and then you can make an educated guess as to what kind of husband he is?

I'm sorry f this seems a bit unfair, but hey, if you don't find out now, what will you do when you find out later he isn't at all what you expected??? I just hope you are not going into this blindly, you know? I've had the "Feeling" myself, that she is what i was meant to find, the love of my life? I couldn't eat, sleep, watch t. v., read a good book NOTHING!!! All i could think about was her! Each time i closed my eyes, there she was for a split second. I had all the classic symptoms of true love, only to find out later, she was married. Talk about crushed? I thought i would die for sure?! I moped around for a very long time. I still do! This was over about three years ago, now? And i still can't get her out of my heart, my head, or even my soul? Now that, is true love, sadly, it was all one sided?! I think you get the picture though, am i right?

Be sure, be absolutely sure he IS the ONE for YOU!!!

I wish you tons of luck! I hope you win this situation! If not, your true love is waiting for you!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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greentealove87 replied to dfromspencer's response:
I wish i could edit the title to this... I have no children, he has two, so if we were to have a child then that would be his 3rd child and my first... he hasnt been married twice before and the children both share the same mother and father. sorry for the confusion
 
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greentealove87 replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
Thank You hopefully ill post about what happens when i decide to talk to him...
 
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dfromspencer replied to greentealove87's response:
I am the one that is sorry! I did not phrase this very well, but i did mean his two "LOVES?" prior to you and him?! Yes, he has children with one of them, that's fine, but like Dr. Leslie says, find out first, how he feels towards you and him having a baby together? He may very well say you both cannot afford to raise another child? Besides, there are two already? In today's society, with the cost of everything skyrocketing upwards, i hope you both have jobs that, cannot be moved overseas, or shut down?

The biggest thing i see is, COMMUNICATION is the key to a happy, long lasting union!!! I must have missed it, maybe not, you told Dr. Leslie you would talk to him, when you decide to? Don't you think NOW would be a good time, before you get married, or tied down, at least? I don't fully know your situation, i probably never will, but honesty, and openness is also key to a happy union! Don't wait too long.

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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rohvannyn replied to dfromspencer's response:
If you do find that you are the ones for each other, you can take comfort in the fact that you can be his first GOOD wife. Or his first forever wife. Agreed with what the others have said about openness. Also, if you have a baby with him, you will come to appreciate his experience with babies. There are a lot of "first time parent" issues you will avoid. You can think of his prior experience as a resource, and if you show appreciation for that and view it as a good thing, you will see some benefit.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ


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